


let me save you, hold this rope

by IlanaNight



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Circus, Depression, Drug Use, Found Family, Genderfluid Mollymauk Tealeaf, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trans Caleb Widogast, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2020-11-26 23:50:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 56,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20938835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IlanaNight/pseuds/IlanaNight
Summary: Caleb Widogast wasn't a strong man, a hero, a person worth remembering. A night on an inn rooftop, a single misplaced step, and he would be gone forever. But fate has something else in mind for the wayward wizard. (Please read warnings and author's note!)





	1. summer's on its deathbed

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Please be forewarned, this chapter begins with suicide ideation, negative self-talk and thought patterns, and a suicide attempt. If you would like a summarized/shortened version of this chapter, please message me here or on tumblr (ilananight.tumblr.com).
> 
> Also, I use they/them pronouns for Mollymauk!

Living with what he’d done was unbearable. The asylum had been empty, dark, terrifying in its own ways. Constrictive, and with the constant knowledge that something was missing. But having his memories restored, seeing the world through clear eyes again, this was true torture. 

He’d killed them. He’d pushed a cart in front of his parents’ door and set the house aflame. And until he heard their screams, he was proud of it. 

_ Enemies of the Empire. Traitors. Worthless. Oathbreakers.  _

Trent’s voice echoed in his ears, his own parroting it back, believing his teacher blindly. Unaware and uncaring that his memories had been tampered with. 

He should have known. He should have realized what Trent was doing- to him, to Eodwulf, to Astrid. He should have stopped it, should have run away, should have done  _ something.  _ But he hadn’t. 

_ Coward. Waste. Ungrateful. Failure.  _

And if it wasn’t for that woman in the asylum, he would be none the wiser. So much for being the top of his class- so much for being so bright, the pride of his parents’ eye. So much for everything Bren had worked for.

Caleb was none of those things. Caleb was barely a person at all- a ghost, a shadow, an ashy mark on this plane. 

Tired feet took him from place to place, the once-great apprentice to the Archmage reduced to begging and sleeping in alleys and street corners. But it was what he deserved- he deserved to suffer every minute of his life, every minute and every breath he took when his parents no longer could. 

He should suffer for an eternity for what he had done. But Caleb didn’t claim to be a brave or strong person. No, far from it. Caleb knew just how weak he was, how much he was at the mercy of his basest natures. 

Caleb couldn’t survive an eternity of this torment. An eternity of nightmares, of memories, of screams and fire and smoke and laughter. An eternity of shivering cold and sweltering heat, of well-placed kicks to his ribs and nights spent in stocks. Caleb couldn’t even survive a human lifespan of it- or even a fraction of that. 

There were so many more heroic ways to do this. More ostentatious, more meaningful, more powerful. He could make a statement- he could take a stand against the Empire, a single statement was enough to warrant a hanging these days. He could take a job off a local posting, one he knew he had no hope of completing, and die in the service of another person. 

But those were all ends for people, ends to be remembered and sung about. Not ends for a shadow that no one knew. 

From the roof, Caleb could see over some of the city- the lower parts, at least. Lamps were lit here and there, but they were all beginning to snuff out. This wasn’t the sort of place that stayed awake at all hours. The brightest part of town was outside of it, actually- a series of tents set up just outside the city limits.

Some kind of festival maybe, or a travelling circus. Something that maybe would have once excited and intrigued him, but now just turned his stomach. 

His mother would never drop a penny into the cup of a traveling bard again. His father would never admire the work of the acrobats and dancers who came through town for the Harvest Close festival. 

Turning away from the lights with a sigh, Caleb touched the rock wall of the rooftop, coarse even under his calloused fingers. The inn’s roof wasn’t glamorous, nor was it the highest building in the area, but it would suit him just fine. 

When they found his body in the morning, it would be tossed into an unmarked grave where he belonged. 

A deep breath, forcing down the fear clawing at his chest, and Caleb hopped up onto the ledge. Even now, his cowardice threatened to stop him- he was almost too weak even for this, almost too weak to take the easy way out. 

But only almost. 

The wind was stronger up here, causing Caleb to sway, unbalanced. Not for the first time, he realized just how thin he was- thinner even than when he’d arrived at the Academy. Enough for a breeze to knock over. 

Eyes closed, Caleb took another breath, grimacing at the scent on the air. Smoke- likely from the fires of the festival and the dousing of the tavern chimneys as they closed shop. How fitting, that his last breaths would be filled with smoke- just like theirs. 

Shifting his weight from foot to foot, trying to find that last ounce of courage, blood rushing in his ears, Caleb slipped, catching his foot on the edge of a brick. With no purchase, nothing to hold on to, he fell forward, blackness rushing up to meet him.

* * *

  
  


“Stranger? Hey, friend, can you hear me? Look at me- do you speak Common? Something else? I’m lacking in the language department but I’ll work with whatever you need,” The voice was unfamiliar, lilting and lightly accented, and it was the first thing he was aware of as he came to.

Came to? Came to what? Was this the afterlife? 

His neck and back ached, and he felt as if he’d been tossed by his shirt, a tightness around his neck. He was sitting on… stone? Bricks? He couldn’t quite tell. He could still smell smoke- though not as thickly now. And it was dark, so dark he couldn’t quite see. Couldn’t make out much of the person kneeling in front of him, just see the green-silver reflection in their eyes, the tell-tale sign of darkvision. 

“ _ Was? Wo bin ich hier?”  _

Those near-glowing eyes blinked slowly, taking it in, “Alright. Maybe Common isn’t the best language, but it’s all I’ve got- unless you speak Infernal?” The next series of sounds from the stranger’s mouth were growls and snarls, something that ran down Caleb’s spine like a bucket of ice water. 

“No dice? Figured as much, to tell you the truth.” 

Still reeling, Caleb tried to put his thoughts together. He was alive- that much was obvious. Hell wouldn’t be like this, and he knew exactly what time it was. Only a few minutes after when he should have hit the ground. 

“ _ Nein-  _ no. I do not. Speak Infernal, that is.” 

“Oh! You understand me. That’s wonderful- fantastic news, actually. What the fuck were you thinking, standing up on that ledge?” 

The stranger’s forward attitude had Caleb stiffening, looking around again with confusion. Muttering under his breath, he cast Dancing Lights, the little orbs fluttering around them both, revealing the scene.

He was still on the roof, back up against the ledge he had just fallen off of- or, almost fallen off of? Should have fallen off of, certainly. And the person in front of him was revealed, a cacophony of colors and patterns. 

A purple tiefling was looking at him with incredulity and something else, something Caleb couldn’t quite read. Their horns were adorned with charms and jewels- probably worth more than anything Caleb had ever owned. And their coat was too much for Caleb to take in- something too beautiful and extravagant for him to even be looking at.

“Hey- you still with me, stranger? Breathe, slowly,” A hand came out to touch his shoulder, causing Caleb to recoil sharply before it was pulled back, the tiefling holding their hands out in front of them, “Sorry- no touching. But seriously- what were you doing up there? You could have died.” 

Deadpan, Caleb looked over at the stranger, “Well, ja, that was kind of the point, actually.”

A shadow passed over the tiefling’s face and Caleb couldn’t help but think that it didn’t belong there- that whoever this person was, they weren’t supposed to be so touched by the darkness of his life. 

But as soon as it was there, it was gone, and the stranger was smiling, “Well. Then I’m glad I came to have a smoke when I did. Nothing in this world is worth ending your life over, stranger.” 

“You have no idea who I am or what I’ve done. Dying was the only mercy I could afford myself- and everyone else. Don’t act like you did me a service.” The words were spat with a vicious sort or venom, mouth pulled into a thin sneer, but they didn’t appear to phase the tiefling.

Humming, they wrapped their tail around themself, tapping their chin with a finger, “Huh. Never met someone so simultaneously right and wrong in my life. True- I don’t know anything about you. But I also know that death isn’t the answer- it never is. And if you were supposed to die, I wouldn’t have been here in time to yank you back. But the moon was high tonight.” 

Before Caleb could wrestle up a response to that, the tiefling put their hand out, smiling that too-bright, too-friendly, too-real smile again, “The name’s Mollymauk- Molly to my friends. And I think we’re friends, given the circumstances, you seem like you could really use one.” 

Blinking, mind racing, shock still filling him, Caleb reached his own hand out on auto-pilot, taking the tiefling’s in his own. Unsure of what he was doing, certain only that he would surely regret this later, and that he should have been a moment faster, Caleb spoke with a shaky voice, “Caleb Widogast- and. I don’t think I’m the sort of friend you want, Mister Mollymauk.” 

“Just Mollymauk, if you  _ must,  _ and that’s not your decision to make. I think you’re a perfectly good sort. And I also think you’re gonna catch your death out here. We can talk in the morning- let’s get you back into a room, shall we?”

Caleb let himself be tugged to his feet, extinguishing the lights as Mollymauk opened the door back into the inn. He didn’t have a room here- he opened his mouth to tell the tiefling, but they were already unlocking a room and ushering him in. 

“I- no- this is your room- I can-.” 

Mollymauk’s finger pressed to his lips, effectively silencing Caleb through sheer shock. Blinking, Caleb looked down into all-red eyes, catching the little smirk that tugged at the tiefling’s lips, “I insist. Near-death experiences are exhausting and you’re dead on your feet, Mister Caleb. Boots off and off to bed.” 

A push to the back and Caleb was stumbling forward, catching himself on the bed and sitting down, toeing off his boots. Almost as if bidden, exhaustion washed over him and he found himself lying down, eyes going bleary. 

“Why….. Why are you doing this?” 

“We’ll talk in the morning, Caleb.” 

The last thing he remembered before he sank into the oblivion of sleep was Mollymauk sitting on the floor, pulling a deck of cards from one of his many pockets and laying them across the floor, fingers tracing their edges.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets better, I promise!
> 
> German translation: What? Where am I?


	2. the sun was in your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up to the lavender tiefling and their too-bright smiles, Caleb realizes it wasn't a dream after all. And that only made this all the more complicated.

Caleb woke up slowly, becoming more and more aware of his surroundings. It was 8:17, the sun was risen and heading up toward his zenith. The curtains were half drawn, light pooling in the center of the room but his bed still left in relative shadow. The window was open, a warm breeze carrying the scents of food up from carts on the street below. And there was a lavender tiefling sitting in the window ledge, looking out over the horizon.

“Am I- is this- are you real?” Caleb’s voice was rough, and when he sat up he reached for the pitcher of water on the bedside table, pouring a glass and drinking it slowly. 

His words caused the tiefling to turn back, tossing him a gleaming smile that threw him off balance. He remembered that from last night- the smile so bright it could rival the moon. That was what had made him certain it was a dream.

No one would look at him and make a face like that. 

“Flattered, Mister Caleb, that you think I’m too good to be true. But yes- this is all real. Good morning, breakfast will be ready downstairs soon, if you’re up to eating.” 

There was more mirth in Mollymauk’s tone now, the tiefling getting up from their perch on the windowsill and grabbing the coat draped over the chair at the desk. It was even more garish in the light of day, covered in embroidery and patchwork in more colors than seemed suited for a single garment.

But it didn’t look bad or out of place on Mollymauk, who, even in the short and dismal time Caleb had known them, gave off an ostentatious air. No one would be able to look anywhere  _ but  _ at Mollymauk if they were in the room, they commanded the space. 

It was intimidating, to say the least, especially when the full force of that much personality was turned to him with a smile and a question in their smile. 

“Ah- ja. I can eat. I suppose. But-uh- Mollymauk? About last night?” 

Fiddling with the ties on their coat sleeves, the tiefling shrugged, “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, Caleb. I’m not about to go asking after your secrets.” 

Caleb’s teeth dug into the dry, cracking skin of his lip, anxiety dancing along his nerves. He could already feel the voices and shadows creeping in again, reminding him of his failure. If he’d only been a minute faster, before Mollymauk wandered out onto the roof. A minute less a coward, a minute more decisive. 

Manicured talons cupped his chin, Mollymauk suddenly much closer to him than they had been, forcing him to look down into their eyes. And down at their face, at the tattoo that wandered across their face and down their neck into their shirt, and the scars that covered the skin there, how intriguing-.

“You still with me, Caleb? You’re looking a mite pale- well, paler than you already are, that is.” 

Nodding, Caleb pulled away, uncomfortable at the closeness, and tugged at the collar of his own jacket, pulling his scarf up to cover some of his face, hopefully concealing the flush that colored his cheeks when he was caught staring. 

“I’m fine, ja. Uhm. Well. I think maybe we should talk about it. But breakfast first. Maybe.” 

A couple of slow blinks and the tiefling shrugged again, gesturing to the door, “Fair enough. I’m sure near-death experiences leave you with a hell of an appetite. Breakfast comes with the room, so it’s on me. Let’s get something in you.” 

“Ah- right- how much was this? I can pay you back a little- considering I slept in your room and all and-”

Mollymauk cut him off with a swat of their tail across his leg, eyes narrowing for a moment, “Shut it- you don’t need to pay anything back. I can sleep basically anywhere, and I’ve had a pretty successful run in town thus far. Not worried about coin at the moment- just about strangers falling off rooftops.” 

“Aren’t we friends now? Or did I really hallucinate that part?” 

A bark of laughter escaped the tiefling, Mollymauk turning to him with incredulity painted across their face, but of an almost-impressed sort this time, “Was that a joke, Mister Caleb?”

“Nein. I don’t make jokes. Ever.” But there was the barest hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, the sensation one he’d almost forgotten. 

And a conspiratorial smile turned Mollymauk’s lips up in turn, a knowing sort of mischief in their expression as they glided down the stairs, “Oh, naturally, of course not.”

Caleb’s earlier assumption proved true as soon as they stepped down into the tavern on the first floor of the inn. He could have been wearing a coat spun of pure gold thread and no one would have spared him a second glance with Mollymauk just beside him. Several of the patrons raised their glasses to Mollymauk, and they bowed graciously in return.

A few others, Caleb noted, looked down their noses at the tiefling before turning pointedly away. Even Mollymauk couldn’t please everyone, it seemed. 

“Mornin’, Mister Tealeaf- and your friend? Breakfast for the both of ya?” 

“Please, it’s Mollymauk. And yes- if it’s no trouble. Mister Caleb here had a late night- rough travel. A hearty breakfast and some sunlight are the only cure.” They flashed the tavern keeper a different smile- gods, did they have an endless supply? Caleb couldn’t remember the last time he’d met someone who smiled so often and in so many ways- and then made their way to an open table, graceful and jovial. 

The patrons of the tavern mostly turned back to their meals, but a young child wandered away from his parents to come up to Mollymauk, tugging at the edge of their coat with wide eyes. Caleb stayed back, nervous all over again, not sure what to do about this- was the child pick-pocketing Mollymauk? Was something wrong? Was he scared of a tiefling in the tavern?

“Are you going back to the circus? Mama says you juggle! I’m not sick anymore, so I can come to the circus tonight too!” 

A laugh bubbled past Mollymauk’s lips and they ruffled the child’s hair, nodding, “I will be, yes. I’m just taking some time off to walk the town with my friend. I’ll see you tonight at the circus, little one- now run along back, don’t want to worry your parents.” 

And Caleb watched with surprise as the tiefling produced a coin, seemingly from nowhere, and pulled it out from behind the child’s ear, placing it in his hand before shooing him off, the child elatedly running back to his parents. 

“Take a seat, Caleb. The chairs don’t bite, I tested last night.” 

Suddenly reminded of how out of place he was, how much he didn’t deserve this- how different a person Mollymauk Tealeaf was from him, Caleb sat down in the chair silently, picking at the bandages wrapped around his hands. Caught between wanting to run, to leave the tavern and never look back and take another ungrateful step in his life, and the deep, selfish want to stay here, to bask in the light that seemed to radiate off of Mollymauk, Caleb stared down at the table, fishing for a conversation topic to ground himself.

“You-ah. The boy said you work for the circus? The one outside of the city walls?” 

Leant back in their chair and sipping their ale, Mollymauk nodded, that mischievous light in their eyes again, “I’m a frontman for the circus, Mister Caleb. I work there- but I also work here, and in the next tavern, and in every town we pass through- I’m a people person, I know what gets people in seats. But I’ve got an act of two of my own as well- I read fortunes, juggle. Bit of sword work on the side.” 

That explained the amicable nature, at least. Caleb could only imagine how charismatic one had to be to convince ornery townsfolk to go see the circus. Especially out in the more conservative parts of the Empire- where a face like Mollymauk’s wasn’t exactly welcome, and the very notion of a circus was threatening to the status quo. 

“Reading fortunes? Do you, ah, study divination? Or the like?” Mollymauk certainly hadn’t read like a wizard to Caleb, but maybe his senses were a little addled, with the events of the past twelve hours. And it had been a good while since he’d met another wizard, truly.

The scoff that Mollymauk gave was palpable, pupiless eyes still somehow managing to visibly roll in their sockets, “Nothing of the sort. You don’t have to go to school and use magic to read fortunes. Reading fortunes is all about reading people- and understanding what the cards have to say. I could read yours, if you don’t believe me.”

Not a wizard, then. Some tension Caleb hadn’t even realized he was holding released, and he let out a little breath. Shaking his head, he gave a tight lipped facsimile of a smile, hands out in front of him. “No thank you, Mollymauk. I don’t need cards to tell me my fate.” 

“You’d be surprised- people always are,” Mollymauk pulled the cards out of their pocket, shuffling them idly and flipping them between their fingers, not even looking at them. They flipped one over, giving it a glance and a hum before shuffling it back in, “Sometimes, they even surprise me.” 

Before Caleb could ask what the card was, the waiter set their food down in front of them both, and the wizard was suddenly aware of just how hungry he was. Mollymauk’s earlier joke came back to him- near-death experiences leaving you hungry- but genuinely, Caleb hadn’t seen or been in possession of this much food in months, let alone all for one meal. And digging in to breakfast meant not having to make conversation any longer and risk saying something that broke the illusion of this whole affair. 

That could wait until after breakfast, when he asked why Mollymauk had even bothered to stop him from falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't ask me how I wrote two chapters in two days I'm not sure myself.


	3. maybe i'll smile a bit, maybe the opposite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything about Mollymauk was confusing- but nothing more confusing than how adamant they seemed about helping him. It was suspicious, to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be warned for some PTSD flashbacks and hallucinations in this chapter- if that material is triggering for you, feel free to message me for a condensed version of this chapter!

If Caleb were capable of sinking through the floor, he surely would be doing so at the moment. As his fork scraped against the plate, finishing his meal, the anxiety began to consume him again. 

A minute longer and this illusion would break. A minute longer and Mollymauk would really look at him and realize what a failure he was. A minute longer and Mollymauk would disappear entirely, and he’d be looking up at Trent’s face, the Archmage laughing at him for his weakness, shoving him down to the rough stone floor of the dungeons in the bowels of the Soltryce Academy. 

_ Do you really think you’re worthy of being saved, Bren? Who would ever risk anything for a cretin like you?  _

His fork clattered to the floor, hands twitching and smoke curling up from under the bandages, unbidden and unwanted. Caleb’s eyes stared down at the bandages, seeing through them to the scars beneath, skin itching from the burning sensation that was trickling up his nerves, but he couldn’t bring himself to move- he wasn’t here, not really. 

_ Even your savior is a false idol- a circus  _ ** _freak. _ ** _ You could have been great- but now look what you’ve dreamt up for yourself? A friend? What kind of  _ ** _failure _ ** _ needs to dream up a friend to hide his weakness?  _

Caleb was looking into Trent’s eyes- they were more real than anything in this tavern, closer, brighter, and with flames reflected in the irises. 

Two quick taps of talons to his face brought Caleb out of the hallucination with a start. Mollymauk was leaning across the table, face too close to his, but it wasn’t Trent’s. It wasn’t Trent’s face, and it wasn’t Trent quietly talking to him- the words were still incomprehensible past the blood rushing in his ears, but it was grounding to hear anything but the insidious whispers in his head. 

“Let’s go for a walk, shall we? Sun’s out- some light might do you good, Mister Caleb,” For a second, feather light and so unbelievable Caleb was almost certain he dreamt it, Mollymauk’s lips pressed to his forehead. 

And then the tiefling was rising from their chair, tossing the coat on again and offering him a hand, as easy as breathing. Not once had Mollymauk flinched back from touching him, despite the layer of ash and dirt Caleb knew covered every inch of his skin. 

It was confusing, and it didn’t seem to be getting any easier to comprehend. 

Nonetheless, Caleb took the offered hand, pulling himself up and taking a moment to really ground himself back here, in the present. He’d been slipping up too often- outside, once this little interlude was over, those kinds of mistakes would get him robbed or killed or worse, taken into custody somewhere.

He needed to get a grip on himself before that happened. 

As soon as he was steady on his feet, Caleb let go of Mollymauk’s hand, content to follow along behind the tiefling again and hide in the shadow created by their light. If anyone had noticed his little meltdown, they showed no sign of it as the two made their way out of the tavern. Once again, all eyes were drawn to Mollymauk, jovial calls that they would see some of the patrons tonight and a couple of looks Caleb wished he had missed seeing.

But from Mollymauk’s winks and bows, the tiefling didn’t feel the same aversion to such flagrant flirting from strangers. 

“Yes, yes- please, by all means. I’d  _ love  _ to serve you all tonight- who knows what the cards have in store?” 

A laugh- not the same laugh as when Caleb had joked earlier, this one was almost rehearsed, as if Mollymauk could call it up on command. Not for the first time since waking, Caleb wondered just how much of Mollymauk’s sunny disposition was genuine.

Could a person truly be as carefree and light as Mollymauk appeared to be? 

The sun was indeed shining outside once they stepped out of the tavern- warm, but not uncomfortably so. Summer was coming to a close- fall would be chasing it away soon with chill breezes and early frosts, but for now, the weather was temperate enough that were Caleb less self-conscious, he might be tempted to remove his coat. 

“Been in town long, Mister Caleb? Long enough to know what’s fun to do here?” Mollymauk was turned to him, their mouth pulled up in a little smile again- the cordial one, not the showman’s grin they wore earlier. 

Feeling a pang in his stomach, certain his answer would disappoint, Caleb shook his head, slipping his hands into his pockets to stop himself from tugging at the bandages or tightening his scarf, “No- I. I haven’t been in town long. Couple of days. I don’t usually stop very long-  _ Entshuldigung Sie.”  _

“Well- that makes two of us, then! Perfect, we can find out together. And then you can come and see the show once the sun sets.” 

“Ah- I don’t know about that, Mollymauk. I can’t afford the entry fee and. Ah. The crowds. They would overwhelm me.” Truth be told, the notion of being in the middle of hundreds of people while acrobats and fire dancers performed was already giving him anxiety, and Caleb wasn’t sure how long he could handle being around Mollymauk, let alone a whole troupe of people like them. 

“I’ll spot you the fee- Gustav’ll bite my arse about it, but I can take it,” Mollymauk laughed, Caleb categorizing this sound too. This laugh was almost conspiratorial- like Caleb was being let in on a secret and should be thrilled by it, “And it’s really not as big as it looks- I promise. Once the show starts, everyone goes pretty quiet. And you don’t have to even go to the main tent if performances aren’t your deal- there’s lots of smaller booths to frequent.” 

Stopping in his tracks, Caleb turned to look at Mollymauk, leveling them with a stronger look than he’d been capable of up until now. For a moment, the person Caleb was before, the person he had the potential to be, under all of his scars and ghosts, shone through, “I would rather not be anymore in your debt, Mollymauk- I am already uncomfortable with how much I owe you.”

The tiefling’s hands came up immediately, a gesture of surrender. They whistled, shaking their head, but their expression was unreadable- closed off, “Mister Caleb, you don’t owe me anything. We’re friends- and I don’t hold debts over my friends. Or anyone, really. Not much of a believer in debts, if we’re being perfectly honest.” For a split second, something Caleb could maybe call hurt crossed Mollymauk’s face, but it was hidden behind the tiefling’s smile immediately, “So if you’re worried about that- don’t. I’m just trying to help- however I can.” 

“Why?” 

The question fell from Caleb’s lips before he could think about it and it fell with more than a little acid- not intended for Mollymauk, but rather a judgement on himself. But it was clear that the tiefling took it to heart- their face fell again, this time more perceptibly before that mask came up again, so cheerful and colorful. 

“Well, why not? I’m helping because I want to- because you look like you could use a bit of kindness, even more than the average person. Maybe I’m not the person you’d expect it from, but there’s a pretty common saying about books and covers, Mister Caleb.” 

Scrambling to apologize, to somehow fix this, to clutch at this bridge that Mollymauk had so graciously offered to save him from drowning, Caleb ran his fingers through his hair, teeth worrying at his lip, “Not… why you. Why  _ me?  _ Why do you think I’m worth… any of this? Worth saving, worth walking with, worth paying for?” 

“Why do you think you’re not?” The question came with a quirk of Mollymauk’s eyebrow, their tail swaying behind them curiously, as if it was also asking the question. 

And it was a question that left Caleb speechless- not for lack of words, but for an over-abundance of them. He could wax poetic about just how unworthy of all of this kindness he was, but so much of that was raw to speak of. So much of it wasn’t anything he could really explain or put words to- he hadn’t had the time to process any of it, let alone in a way that a near-stranger would understand. 

“I am not. Simple as that- I do not think it, I know it, Mister Mollymauk. I do not want to disappoint you along the line. You have been very kind thus far- and I appreciate it. But I will disappoint you if you keep this up.” 

Mollymauk snorted, leaning forward and grabbing him by the hand. Their grip was tight- not so tight that Caleb couldn’t pull free, but very present. And then they were dragging him through the streets, the fabric of their coat twirling around him. 

“Well then, I have very good news for you, Caleb- I can’t possibly be disappointed in you, because I think it’s ridiculous to have expectations of people. And if you don’t expect anything, you’re never disappointed. So you’re safe on that front. And I suspect you’re keen to sell yourself short- which is funny, considering how tall you are, might I add.” 

The sheer surprise of the statement was enough to make Caleb let out a bark of laughter, free hand coming up to cover his mouth, “Ja, well. I will work on being shorter, to match my perception of myself. How tall would you be, to match your self-worth, Mister Mollymauk? As high as the sky?” 

Making jokes was something Caleb had long since fallen out of the habit of, but he might try it more often if it got this reaction out of Mollymauk. The tiefling burst out into genuine laughter, doubling over at their waist, the charms and piercings jingling as their head shook back and forth, “Taller- to the moon, at least. But I’ll settle for something a little more compact. Easier to make my clothes.” 

“That is fair, I suppose. It would take a lot of fabric to make that coat so big.” 

“Right you are- speaking of fabric, half of why I ran away from the circus into town was to buy some new scraps. So let’s get that done, and any other errands you need before we head down- I am bringing you to the carnival, Caleb, and I won’t hear another protest. You’ll enjoy yourself, I promise.” 

Caleb had opened his mouth in protest several times, but sighed, staying silent and shaking his head. One more acquiescence, one more evening spent with the person who saved him, and then his life would go back to its old cycle. Maybe this would help, maybe it wouldn’t, but either way, he could stomach it. 

“Lead the way, then. No time to waste in buying shiny things.” 

A grin across Mollymauk’s face and they were tugging at his hand again- oh, gods, Caleb hadn’t realized Mollymauk was still holding his hand- pulling him into a bustling marketplace, eager to be surrounded by the sights and sounds of the city. And just as eager to bring Caleb along with him.

  
  



	4. when your passion's exhaltation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going shopping with- or rather, being taken shopping by- Mollymauk was an entirely unusual experience. Caleb had never known someone so enthralled with every possible store, no matter what they sold. Caleb had never known someone with so much zest for everything in life.

Shopping with Mollymauk Tealeaf was proving to be simultaneously one of the most exhausting and exhilarating experiences Caleb could remember having. The tiefling came upon every shop as if it was new to them, even when a store a block back was selling the same sorts of wares. But it was nice to be able to peruse without being asked any questions- every shopkeeper was eager to focus on Mollymauk the moment they stepped inside.

Some for unkinder reasons than others- Caleb didn’t miss the occasional dark glance thrown at Mollymauk’s outlandish appearance, and the careful way some of the sellers watched their tills. 

But Mollymauk was almost flawlessly kind to every single person, even the ones who spoke to them with unshielded acid. They bowed at the waist, flashed a smile, complimented the wares, and exited the shop with a flourish, happy to take their business elsewhere. 

And if Caleb caught sight of something more in their pockets after that, he certainly wasn’t going to say anything. He had done his fair share of stealing- it wouldn’t be right of him to be calling attention to Mollymauk doing the same. Though the tiefling seemed to only employ their deft fingers where their tongue didn’t win them a smile- they were happy to pay, and  _ overpay  _ at that everywhere else. 

They took a particularly long stop at a flower stand, Mollymauk looking at each bunch of flowers with intrigue and asking the florist what they were, and what they meant. It was sweet, Caleb supposed, given the little labels gave the plants names, that Mollymauk seemed invested enough in the old-fashioned language of flowers to strike up a conversation about them. 

Rather than buying a bouquet, Mollymauk carefully picked out a handful of individual flowers. Several of these, they tucked away into some secret inner pocket of their coat- Caleb still couldn’t quite wrap his head around exactly how Mollymauk’s coat worked, just that every time he looked at it, it appeared more decorated. The rest, forget-me-nots and poppies, they wove into their own hair, the florist delightedly giving them a hand in securing them. 

“You’ll be like a walking advertisement- the flowers suit you, ma’am- sir?” 

Mollymauk shrugged, giving a curtsy, “Whichever you please- neither and both and everything in between. But you can just call me Molly- we’re friends, after all,” And they winked, grinning and pulling a giggle and a flush out of the florist. 

They really were just that friendly with everyone, it seemed. Caleb felt more and more confused by the moment. 

“Take them, take them- you didn’t buy half enough for a bouquet! And it’s getting close to closing for me anyway, those would have been marked down.” 

“You’re a peach- I hope we stop in town again so I can come and see you,” And Mollymauk took her hand, kissing it before flouncing away, leaving Caleb to hurry after, just nodding his goodbye to the woman so he could keep up with Mollymauk’s dancer’s pace.

At the edge of his hearing, he heard the woman call after them, laughing, “Scoundrel! I’ll be sending flowers down to that carnival of yours!”

By the time Caleb caught up with Mollymauk, they were laughing excitably, that same conspiratorial grin on their face. Confused, Caleb looked back towards the florist’s booth, “What was that about?” 

“I slipped two gold into her sleeve when I kissed her hand- knew she wouldn’t notice until I was too far gone to fix it.” 

“Two gold? But she told you not to pay for the flowers?” And two gold seemed like an exorbitant amount for flowers- that would get a meal and a night at most of the inns in town, easily. 

“And she still has to bring home enough money to feed her children and take care of the garden that makes these plants. And people get to be happier when they aren’t worrying about keeping bread on the table- I like being a part of that. I can afford it right now- sometimes I can’t. But when I have the coin, I do what I can.”

That sentiment stopped Caleb in his tracks, and once again he was hit with an overwhelming wave of just how different he and Mollymauk were- how diametrically opposed. Mollymauk couldn’t be overly wealthy- they worked for and travelled with a circus, after all- and yet they spent and handed out money to people on the street like they had an endless supply. 

As he was contemplating that fact and the sheer selflessness behind it, Caleb watched Mollymauk grab a child by the hand, dancing with them to the melody of a fiddler in the square. Another sleight of hand trick- this one Caleb was watching close enough to notice- and they’d slipped a silver and a card for the carnival into the child’s cap before shooing them back over to their parents. 

It was too much for Caleb, really. He was a despicable excuse for a person- if Mollymauk had any idea what he had done, they would toss him aside, and with good reason. It felt like lying, following after Mollymauk and being allowed to bask in the glow that surrounded them. This was the sort of thing good people enjoyed- and he distinctly was not that. 

While Mollymauk pored over fabrics, Caleb’s eye was caught by a bookseller on the corner. Almost unbidden, as if magnetically drawn, his feet wandered over, quietly perusing the carts and shelves of books. Most of the books were plain- this town wasn’t exactly a beacon of upper-echelon learning, but it was nice to feel their weight in his hand, to leaf through the pages and see snippets of stories he remembered, of histories and of fairytales. 

One book felt particularly warm and heavy in his hand, and he focused in on it- a quiet mumble under his breath and a glow to his fingers all he needed to confirm his suspicions. It was a book of magic- not particularly advanced, certainly nothing illegal, but magic nonetheless.

Gods, how long had it been since he held a book of magic? Since he could really sit down and hone his skills again? He could barely remember the runes and rituals he spent years learning- whatever Trent had done and whatever the healer rebuilt in his brain had stolen that from him. But he itched to learn it again, to be strong enough to stand on his own two feet again. 

“Four gold for that one- don’t see many like it in these parts.” 

Jumping a bit, Caleb turned with wide eyes to meet the smile of the shopkeeper, immediately setting the book down, “Oh- ja. I was just browsing. Never- ah. Never seen one like those. Maybe I will come back later- my friend is probably looking for me. Thank you,  _ danke.”  _

And with that, he ducked out of the shop, flustered and a little disappointed. He hadn’t expected the book to be cheap, but four gold wasn’t any amount he could hope to spend right now, and certainly not on a book of magic. 

Mollymauk was seated in one of the little stores outside of the bookshop, flipping through what looked to be a book of local flora and fauna, but they quickly set it aside when Caleb reappeared, smiling. 

“Find anything in there?” 

“Oh- ah,  _ nein.  _ Nothing I can afford, at least. I’m not in a place to be shopping.” 

Mollymauk’s eyes narrowed, as if searching his face for a moment before shrugging and flashing another smile, “If you say so. Books are hard to carry on the road- we don’t keep many ourselves.”

“Makes sense. And I don’t suppose you have much time for reading when you work most nights and travel the rest.” 

“Not much time no- and we’re much better at telling stories than any book could be. On our off nights, we all just practice with each other- telling stories, building new acts, working a plot into our acts, that sort of thing.” Mollymauk smiled, that smaller, warmer smile that they reserved for more genuine situations. They liked the circus, that much was obvious even to Caleb. 

“Stories for the acts?”

“You’ll see tonight, Mister Caleb. It’s an entire event- you’ll like it, I promise. And if you don’t, you can hand it to me afterwards.” 

“I will keep that in mind, Molly.” 

Something shifted in the tiefling’s expression, a wider grin tugging their lips up at the corners, far enough to flash sharp canines. Caleb blinked, overwhelmed for a moment- that was the bright smile, the warm one, the genuine one. What had he done to earn that? Why was he being faced with the sheer overwhelming warmth of Molly’s affections? 

Ah. Right. Molly- how had he already gone to calling them the nickname, in a matter of hours? 

“How did I know I’d find you in the middle of the bazaar?” 

A soft, amused voice sounded from behind them, and Caleb jumped, turning on his heel with his palms stretched out. But Mollymauk seemed unphased, turning also and bowing at the waist. 

“You know me, Yash. I would live in a town square if you all let me.”   
  


The new stranger was tall- much taller than him, and tall enough to make Mollymauk look small. Or she would if they were anyone but Mollymauk- a person larger than life in a small body. She brushed a braid back behind her ear, rolling her eyes and immediately pulling Mollymauk into a tight hug, picking them up off the ground.

Caleb stood back, feeling immediately as if he was interrupting something important, something personal. He looked away, giving them their moment. When he looked back, Mollymauk was pulling the flowers out of their inner pocket, handing them to the stranger. She took them with a quiet reverence and a kiss to their forehead, placing them between the pages of a book before speaking again.

“Gustav was worried- he knew you went into town for some fun last night, but you’re usually home by mid-morning. So he sent me looking- thought you might have gotten into a fight again.” 

The tall woman put Mollymauk down, the tiefling staying next to her and laughing softly, tail wrapping around her waist companionably, “You get roped into a bar fight with a bigot  _ one time  _ and it ruins your reputation  _ forever.  _ Don’t be like me, Mister Caleb- don’t have your best friend sent after you like a detective when you spend a night and day on the town.” 

“Well. No one would be sent after me, I think- so I wouldn’t have to worry.” 

The joke fell flat- he had intended to get that laugh out of Mollymauk again, that surprised expression the tiefling made anytime he joked about something. But Molly only frowned for a moment before their expression went neutral again. 

“Then I guess it’s my job, if it ever happens. But first, introductions. Mister Caleb, this is Yasha- Yasha, this is Caleb. I’m taking him to the circus tonight.”

“Nice to meet you, Caleb- you’ll do fine at the circus if you’ve been putting up with Molly all morning. We’re nothing compared to Molly on a shopping spree.” 

Mollymauk elbowed the tall woman, but she didn’t even seem to react, only ruffling their hair and earning a disgruntled huff, the flowers dislodged from their hair. Caleb couldn’t muffle his chuckle at the comment, though, giving a small smile, “Ja? That is good to hear. I was worried you were all like this.”

“You are both mean to me and don’t appreciate the gift that my beauty and kindness is in your lives- I’m going back to the flower shop.” And with a grin that told Caleb that Mollymauk clearly wasn’t actually upset, they flounced off, back towards the thick of the shops. 

Left alone with Yasha, Caleb fell silent again, picking at the bandages on his hands. And it didn’t seem like Yasha was much of one for talking either- she settled against a post nearby, crossing her arms and looking out over the square.

“They’ll be back in a moment- they have to make dramatic entrances and exits several times a day or they will wither like summer grass.” 

Caleb looked over at her, confused, but there was a little smile on her face. Yasha wasn’t nearly as loud or readable as Mollymauk, but he was fairly certain she was joking. At the very least, he could tell they were close. An actual friend of Mollymauk’s- rather than the quick friends and acquaintances they seemed to make everywhere they went.

An actual friend, as opposed to whatever he was. 

And she proved to be right. A couple of minutes later, the fiddler on a different tune, Mollymauk returned, seemingly appearing out of nowhere to take Caleb’s arm. Surprised, Caleb let himself be pulled along, noting that Yasha fell comfortably into step a little behind them. An imposing presence, but still falling into the shadow Mollymauk left in their wake. 

“Come long, Mister Caleb. Let’s get back to the edge of town- before my charm tells you every terrible story about me and you decide we’re not friends.” 

Caleb let out a bark of laughter- covering his mouth with one hand. The sheer notion that  _ any  _ secret Mollymauk might be keeping would be enough to shock or scare  _ him  _ away was beyond laughable. Anything Yasha could say about Mollymauk would be droplets to the ocean of Caleb’s past. 

“Well, Yasha knows all of your stories and she seems to still be your friend. So I think we will be okay, ja?” 

“I hope so- you deserve some fun in your life, and I’m the most fun that’s ever happened to anyone.”   
  
  



	5. anticipation's on the other line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The carnival is more of a family and a city than just a circus, it's a little overwhelming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay! updates might come once a week ish now because the show i'm working on has kicked into gear and i've come down with my typical fall cold. thanks for understanding!

To Mollymauk’s benefit, they did everything in their power to not make Caleb feel like a fifth wheel on a carriage as they all made their way down through the city to the carnival. Mollymauk moved like water, sliding from Yasha’s side to Caleb’s and back with long, fluid strides, coat trailing along behind them as they went, never lingering for too long. The only difference in body language was the tail- Mollymauk’s tail always wrapped itself around towards Yasha, sometimes touching her side, sometimes coiling around her wrist, but never did anything of the sort with Caleb. 

Tieflings were fascinating creatures, really. He would have to look into finding a book about them sometime. Everything he had learnt at the Academy was suspect now- the way they spoke of anyone odd-born as an outsider had seemed so reasonable to him then, but now he could see just how gullible he had been.

Lost in thought, he only gave occasional hums in response to Mollymauk’s story- he got the sense that Yasha was only half-listening as well, her smile a little distant. But Mollymauk didn’t seem to need any real input- they were happy to spin a tale and live in their own world, it seemed. 

Something in Caleb ached at that- it was a light in which Caleb could not hope of ever seeing the world, always haunted by what he’d done. He didn’t know anything about Mollymauk, but he could tell they were light- unburdened. The kind of person Caleb couldn’t even begin to comprehend. 

“Are you allergic to anything, Mister Caleb?” Mollymauk’s voice cut through his thought process, the purple tiefling nudging their shoulder against his and startling him. 

Blinking, a little confused, Caleb looked down at them, stopping in his tracks, “Allergic? What do you mean, Mollymauk?” 

“You know, foods that make you itch, or swell up, or get sick? Stuff you can’t eat, that sort of thing.” 

“Oh. Ah- nein. Nothing I am allergic to, no. I prefer not to eat pork or shellfish, but sometimes I must break that- never know what food will be available, or affordable.” 

“Well, I promise, we won’t be cooking any sort of lobster- we’ve been making good money in town, but not that good,” Mollymauk laughed, bowing and gesturing for Caleb to step in front of them as they exited the town, stepping out towards the tents, “We’ll be eating dinner before we open the doors to the public- wanted to make sure you wouldn’t go dying on us before you got to see the show.” 

“Ah. Then no- we are fine in that regard. Are you sure there will be enough food? Your friends, they are not expecting another mouth to feed…” 

“We’re carnies, Mister Caleb. We’re always expecting an extra mouth or two- all of us wandered in hoping for a meal at some point or another. Everyone’s welcome at the fire- so long as you’re not grumpy about it.” 

The anxiety seeped back into Caleb’s bones as they stepped into camp- somehow, wrapped up in the festival that was Mollymauk and the quiet calm that was Yasha, he’d begun to feel almost comfortable, his worry about just how many people and how many sights and sounds were involved in a carnival momentarily abated. But now it was back in full force, only getting stronger as they passed the edge of the carnival, walking in amidst the tents. 

Yasha came up behind Mollymauk, placing a hand between their shoulderblades and whispering something to them before wandering off, disappearing into one of the tents. 

“She’ll be back- has to change into her uniform. I’m already wearing mine,” Mollymauk bowed again, lower this time, leg out in front of them. 

“Oh, is that why you wear that outrageous coat? I was thinking it was just your personality.” 

A surprised expression crossed Mollymauk’s face, red eyes widening for a second, and then they burst out into laughter, grabbing Caleb by the shoulders and pulling him closer, leaning on him as they laughed, “Joke more often, Mister Caleb- it’s wonderful when you do.” 

Overwhelmed, Caleb’s mouth gaped, not unlike a fish out of water, but before he could say anything, ask Molly any questions, an unfamiliar voice rang out in the clamor of the carnival.

“Molly- where have you been all day?” 

A jovial-looking if haggard man wandered up to Mollymauk, clapping them on the shoulder and pulling them in for a quick hug. Mollymauk returned the hug, winking and gesturing back the way they came, “Town, Gustav. Doing my job- publicity, scouting for customers, that sort of thing. And making friends.” 

With that, they gestured to Caleb, who immediately hid his face in his scarf. If hiding in Mollymauk’s shadow was soothing, behind the star of whatever story Mollymauk was weaving was an absolute terror. He raised one hand in greeting, hoping Gustav just looked him over, the way everyone else seemed to.

“Making friends indeed- and who might you be? The name’s Gustav- I run the show around here. It’s not often Mollymauk brings friends back to the circus after they’ve spent the night with ‘em.” 

A deep flush colored Caleb’s cheeks- that insinuation was something even he could understand, and he didn’t have the words to refute it, just shaking his head and stuttering, “Ah- no, it’s. Not like that- I. Uh. Schieße.” 

“Not that sort of friend, Gustav- just a friend. But I can tell you all about my evening friends after tonight’s show,” Mollymauk finished the statement with a wink, forked tongue coming out to lick their lips, and Caleb had to look away, still flustered by the prior conversation, “This is Caleb- he’s my guest to the show tonight. He’s never seen a circus like ours before.”

“Well, no one has. It’s a circus- every one of ‘em’s unique. But we’re happy to have an eager face in the crowd- don’t let Molly scare you off before you’ve seen the rest of the show.” Gustav’s hand came out to clap his shoulder, amicable, and Caleb flinched, shrinking down in on himself. 

Everyone with the circus was so touchy. 

“Ja, well. I am here. No reason to leave before I see everything.” And nowhere to go from here, really. Caleb hadn’t had time in this whirlwind of a day to sit down and think about where he was sleeping tonight, where he was going tomorrow, what his next destination was. He didn’t have the money for a room in town, and if the weather broke he’d be left out in the rain. 

Mollymauk tossed an arm around his shoulders, and Caleb only just stopped himself from pushing the tiefling off bodily, going stiff instead. But rather than pulling back, Mollymauk just leant into Caleb, grinning over his shoulder at Gustav, “We’re gonna get something to eat and then pick Mister Caleb here some seats. I’ll see you later, Gustav- come visit me at the door, it’s been ages since you had a reading done!”

With that, Caleb found himself being half-dragged towards the bonfire in the center of the circle of tents, stumbling after Mollymauk. For someone a good six inches shorter than him, the tiefling certainly had a grip. Mollymauk sat him down on a log, patting his shoulder before flouncing over to the fire genasi who was adding seasoning to a pot and taste testing it. From here, Caleb couldn’t quite overhear their conversation, but it ended in the genasi woman handing Mollymauk two bowls and the tiefling returning to sit with a smile.

“Stew- it’s beef, potatoes, and vegetables. Nothing in there to be worried about food wise- I checked.”

“Oh, thank you, Mollymauk. I would have eaten it either way- beggars do not get a choice, as they say.” 

“Only because no one thinks to offer them one,” Mollymauk shrugged, and dug into their food, eating it swiftly and shooting the genasi a grateful look, gesturing excitedly. Maybe they really liked it, or maybe they did it for the smile that spread across her face when she waved off the compliments, going back to cooking. 

Not wanting to get any deeper into that conversation, Caleb nodded and took a bite, surprised at the rich flavors that slid over his tongue. Gods, he hadn’t eaten anything this flavorful, this full tasting since the Academy- it was unexpected, for certain. Raising his voice, he lifted his spoon in thanks, “You’re a fabulous cook, Fräulein.”

“See, Ornna? I told you! Don’t worry about what the twins say, they just like being contrary,” Mollymauk turned their smile to Caleb, something almost grateful in their face as well- something Caleb wanted to ask about, but didn’t have the space to do so. He knew nothing about Mollymauk and Mollymauk knew nothing about him- asking about the thousand different smiles the tiefling seemed to possess was out of line. 

They finished eating in relative silence- even Mollymauk couldn’t keep conversation up while eating, it seemed. And Caleb was grateful- it was nice to get to try and settle into the atmosphere, to get used to the shouts from various tents, the people rushing this way and that to prepare for the opening of the show. By the time they were both done eating, the noises had faded to background, rather than each and every one being a new sensation to jump at. And when Mollymauk took his bowl, adding it to the water basin to be washed, Caleb felt comfortable enough to stand up and look around, to really take the carnival in for the first time.

The tents were large and colorful- gem tones that were reminiscent of Mollymauk’s coat, but without the symbolic embroidery and careful detailing. Some were larger and more decadent- presumably the show tents, while many of the other ones were smaller, simple and single colored- lodgings and storage, if Caleb had to guess. And while it seemed unruly, chaotic, the longer he looked the more he could see the structure to it. The paths between the tents- easy access to the show pavillion from the storage crates, a path from the living tents to this middle sort of meeting area. It was like a miniature city, with a small population but a lot of life.

Taking in a mental map of the place, Caleb followed after Mollymauk as the tiefling led him to the big pavillion tent. The seats were already set up, long benches up to the short fence that kept the stage area separate from the audience. Mollymauk led him front and center, sitting him down, “Here- the show’s set to start in about an hour, but I’ve gotta go run interference in the front tent. Yash and I will come sit with you once the show starts.” 

“It’s okay for me to be here? Without you?”

“Yeah? Everyone saw me bring you in. Plus there’s about to be a couple hundred strangers in here- we’re used to it. Just sit back and enjoy the silence while you have it.”

“Ja- I will do that. Has not been very silent since yesterday, can’t imagine why,” Caleb tossed a little half smirk at Mollymauk, but dropped the expression for one of flustered shock when Mollymauk winked back, bowing and tossing a bag down beside Caleb. 

“Save me a seat. The show never gets old.”


	6. welcome to the club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An entrancing performance, and compounded confusion as to Mollymauk's motives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently writing on dayquil means i can write 3000 words in a single day

The tent began filling up as Caleb sat there in the front row, and he found himself glad for Mollymauk’s bag filling the seat next to him. It meant he had a buffer between himself and whoever else wanted front-row seats. Granted, most of the people sharing the row with him were children and people of smaller stature- it seemed the circus had a way of reasoning that out, at least. 

Truthfully, he was surprised to see so many people here. Carnivals in Rexxentrum rarely garnered such good attendance- unless they were summoned by the Academy or the Empire, and then attendance was socially mandatory. But a group of near-vagabonds setting up tents outside of the city gates would never be so warmly received. 

The outer reaches of the Empire had their own issues- poverty, lack of infrastructure, attacks from enemies- but Caleb could say this, at least. They were allowed a lot more freedom- a lot more sunlight through the cracks of the Empire’s gloved grasp.

Someone like Mollymauk would be broken in the heart of the Empire, crushed by the Crownsguard, tossed out like a foreigner for being odd-born, or worst, taken in by the Academy for some sort of experiment. Their light would be snuffed out in a moment. 

And once upon a time, Caleb would have been gleeful to be a part of that very snuffing- anything for the Empire, anything for the Academy. 

Forcibly ripping himself from that thought process, Caleb picked at the bandages on his wrists, unwrapping them a bit and then rewrapping them tighter than before, something to do with his hands. As he came back to himself, he snapped his fingers, summoning Frumpkin into his lap- he hadn’t seen the familiar since before he walked up onto that rooftop last night.

Sure, the cat was a fey creature summoned by magic, but he couldn’t help but associate him with the cat from his childhood, and he couldn’t bear Frumpkin being around when he fell from that roof. And every moment since then had been far too busy for him to take a breath and bring Frumpkin back.

The cat mrowed a questioning sound, looking around the tent and then up at Caleb, back arching before he settled into Caleb’s lap.

“Ja, it’s a strange place. You’re right. But soon it will be just us again,  _ Schätzchen.  _ And I’ll figure out where we’re going next.” 

Seemingly satisfied, Frumpkin kneaded into his legs for a moment before getting up, arching up to rub his head against the scruff of Caleb’s beard. Turning and moving to find a good place to sit, Frumpkin finally settled half on Caleb’s lap and half up against his stomach, easily within reach for him to pet and scratch behind the cat’s ears. 

“Did the cat wander in and find you?” 

The quiet voice startled Caleb and he looked up to see Yasha standing behind him, in dark tattered clothing- her uniform, maybe?- and a little smile on her face. Shaking his head, he looked back down at Frumpkin.

“Ah-no. Not exactly. I summoned him. He is my cat, you see- well, cat shaped. It’s a long story. But he’s mine.” 

“He’s a beautiful cat- does he eat?” 

“ _ Ja.  _ He doesn’t need to, but he can, that is.” 

The tall woman reached into a pouch at her side, pulling out a piece of jerky and looking at him with a question in her eyes. Before he could even give permission, Frumpkin got up from his lap with a querying ‘mrrp’ and wandered up to Yasha, nudging against her hand and batting at the jerky.

“May I?”

“Go ahead- if you don’t he will get pouty now.” 

A little chuckle escaped the tall woman- she was quiet for her size, and Caleb appreciated it, really. Yasha was intimidating enough without a voice to match. She broke the jerky into little pieces, gently hand-feeding it to Frumpkin with a smile on her face, and then petting him once all the jerky was gone, cooing to the cat in a language Caleb couldn’t understand. A click of his tongue, releasing Frumpkin from the obligation of staying near him, and the cat was clambering up her arm, excited to be up so much higher than usual. 

“Do you want to watch the circus, kitten? I can sit here so you can watch.” 

And indeed, Yasha did sit down- not next to him, but on the other side of Mollymauk’s bag, which was still saving the tiefling’s place. Still petting Frumpkin, who was purring enthusiastically and settling across her broad shoulders, Yasha turned to Caleb with a warmer smile, “Molly won’t be much longer- they’re just counting up tickets and the coin from their readings.” 

“Readings?” 

“They do them on the way in- lots of people come to the circus and want the full experience, so they’ll toss Molly a few coppers or a silver to read the cards. They’re very good at it- and at reading people.” 

Remembering Molly shuffling the deck at the breakfast table this morning- gods, only this morning, and it seemed like ages ago- Caleb found himself wondering again if Mollymauk was more than he seemed, some practitioner of divination magic, or just another carnival hack. It almost tempted him to take the tiefling up on their offer of a reading- almost.

The cowardly part of Caleb was terrified of the prospects if Mollymauk really could read fortunes- the terrible things they would see in his. 

Speak of the devil and they shall appear, Mollymauk flounced down the aisle to hop the bench and settle between them with a smile. They handed a pouch to Yasha, who tried to force it back into their hand before Mollymauk leveled a stare at her and she took it with a sigh. 

“It all goes to the same place, Yash. You’d do the same for me.” That exchange apparently complete, Mollymauk turned back to Caleb with a grin, nearly vibrating, tail twitching excitedly, “Are you ready for the show, Mister Caleb?” 

“As ready as I will ever be- I think it might be very. Ah. Overwhelming for me.” 

Mollymauk leveled a look at Caleb that he couldn’t read before smiling and pulling the hood of their coat up, entirely covering their horns and spilling down into their face, “I understand. If you need to block things out, or take a step outside, that’s perfectly fine.” 

They pushed the hood back, carefully avoiding all the jewelry pierced through their ears and horns, and Caleb looked down at his hands, suddenly ashamed. Talking about the issues he had with sensory inputs and stimuli felt like an admission of weakness-  _ was  _ an admission of weakness, and yet Mollymauk was so quick to understand- to feel the same thing, even? 

Kindness and empathy and compassion were terrifying- Caleb couldn’t figure out Mollymauk’s motives, couldn’t get a read on why the tiefling was so insistent on being so nice to him and helping him, and that scared him. 

Everyone wanted something- what did Mollymauk want from him? What could he possibly have to offer to the person who seemed so content, blissful even in their life?

The lights in the carnival tent dimmed and Caleb took deep breaths to center himself- it didn’t matter. This show was the last thing holding him with Mollymauk, at the end of it the tiefling would send him on his way and he could stop wrapping himself in these confusing questions. 

Gustav appeared in a spotlight, in a much fancier Ringmaster uniform than the simple outfit he’d been wearing earlier, and began to weave a tapestry of words, telling the story of the circus and all of its acts. Despite himself, Caleb leant forward in his seat, desperate to consume this fairytale, to exist just for a couple of hours in the world Gustav and the circus was creating. 

And to the performers’ credit, they were enthralling. Their practiced routines and stage presence was enough for him to suspend his disbelief about whether their skills were really bestowed upon them by gods or ancient spirits. 

Caleb was so invested in the fantasy of the show that he didn’t realize the implications of Ornna taking volunteers from the audience until they were already gathered in the center of the staging area. Orna summoned fire, heat washing over the faces of everyone in the front row, and began wrapping it in a whirlwind around the group of people- mostly excitable children. 

Horrified, Caleb tossed a hand out, a counterspell already on his lips before Mollymauk reached out and stopped him, gesturing back towards Ornna. 

The genasi caused all of the fire to curl inward and then blow out with a flourish of light and heat, every person in the circle untouched and unharmed. A cacophony of cheers came from the crowd as the patrons returned to their seats, but it was all just noise to Caleb, blood rushing in his ears and screams ringing in the back of his mind. 

He knew it was imagined, but he could smell it too. Burning skin, burning hair, the horrifying knowledge that people didn’t smell all that different from animals while they cooked alive. 

Suddenly, the world was darker and smaller, a weight around his head and shoulders. The smell of burning flesh was forced from his nose by the scent of sandalwood and spice, and Caleb found himself cowering into the fabric that was swathed around him. He couldn’t see the stage with the hood pulled up over his eyes- couldn’t see anything. And the sounds from outside weren’t muffled very well, but the hood formed a placebo barrier- from here, he could hear himself think. 

It took a long moment for Caleb to push the memories back, counting on his fingers and tapping them against his legs. Somewhere in the middle of it, Frumpkin hopped down across from Yasha to settle in his lap again, allowing him to scritch and pet the familiar to keep himself grounded. 

By the time Caleb felt comfortable pulling the hood back, the show was over and people were filing out of the tent, following the path of lanterns back into town in the dark of night. Some people lingered, talking to the performers who came out to greet them or do little tricks for the children. 

Turning, Caleb noticed that Yasha was gone- he wasn’t sure how long ago she’d left. But Mollymauk was still sitting there, shuffling their cards between their hands and pulling one out every now and again, not looking at it before putting it back. This close, Caleb couldn’t help but notice the sheer number of scars that criss-crossed their neck, chest, and forearms, all of the exposed skin covered in raised scar tissue, some old and faded, others newer. 

Another mystery to file away about the fortune teller. 

Fully back in the present, Caleb realized that the reason he could see Molly’s scars so clearly was that the red coat wasn’t covering them- because it was draped over Caleb instead, resting on his shoulders like a cape with the hood within reach. Slowly, carefully, he pulled it off- the coat felt like a sacred object, something with this much color and life and personality wrapped up in it didn’t deserve to be dirtied by sitting on his shoulders.

“Here- sorry.  _ Danke.  _ You. You didn’t have to let me use your coat.” 

Mollymauk paused in their shuffling, a card slipping out and dropping to the floor. They bent down, picking it up and looking at it, setting it atop the deck before returning the cards to their fabric lined box and looking up at Caleb, shrugging, “It’s no trouble. The hood helped, right?” 

“Uh,  _ ja.  _ It did, actually. Thank you again.” 

“Don’t mention it- the coat’s mostly a statement, but it’s useful too.” Mollymauk took it back from him, folding it over their arm and slipping the deck of cards into one of the many pockets. They got up with grace, tail balancing them as they tossed the coat back on and slung their bag over their shoulder. “C’mon, tent’s gonna go dark soon enough and that’s spooky even for us regular carnies.”

Coaxing Frumpkin up onto his shoulders, Caleb got up to follow after Mollymauk, his legs still a little shaky. The tiefling led him out to the center bonfire again, which was burning much lower now, nothing cooking on it, just a pot of boiling water with fabric floating in it- laundry, presumably. Caleb turned to walk down the path, seeing where the last stragglers were wandering back to the city, and a hand at his wrist stopped him.

“Not gonna leave without saying goodbye, are you?” 

“Ah- right. That would be rude of me.” Caleb turned back to Mollymauk, whose other hand was behind their back, certainly suspicious. 

The tiefling released his hand, stepping closer, both hands behind their back now, curious, “Do you have somewhere to go, Mister Caleb- it’s going to get chilly tonight. And there might not be mysterious handsome people waiting to give you their beds this time.” 

“I-ah. No. But I can find myself accommodations. We’re used to fending for ourselves,” Caleb scratched behind Frumpkin’s ears, the cat making a disgruntled noise before resettling, not unlike a scarf. 

“It’s hard- living on your own like that. We’ve all done it- no one’s born a carnival kid. Well, there’s exceptions to that, I’m sure. But, most of us are wanderers, people who have no homes, people who’ve lost their homes.” 

Caleb’s fingers itched, he could see where Mollymauk’s train of thought was going, and it scared him all over again. Once again, he was overwhelmed with the fear of what Mollymauk wanted, what the tiefling expected in return for all of their kindness.

And this time there was no distraction, nothing to stop his tongue from letting the question roll off.

“What do you want from me, Mollymauk?” 

The tiefling blinked, genuine confusion across their face, and then they shrugged, stepping back and putting one hand out in a half-shrug, the other still hidden behind their back. 

“Nothing- I don’t want anything. Except for you to have a better chance at this whole life thing we’ve got going on. Seems like yours has been rough- I’ve been in your shoes, Mister Caleb. It’s easier with help- even if it’s hard to ask for that.” 

Slowly, they stepped forward, and the smile on their face was sad now, dyed orange by the dying firelight. They stopped a couple of feet from Caleb, taking their hands from behind their back. Outstretched, held out to him, was the book from the shop, the book of spells that Caleb had coveted, absolutely incapable of purchasing. 

“This is for you- you lied about not seeing anything you liked. But I could tell, and the bookseller was more than happy to tell me which one you wanted. So I picked it up.” 

Shaky, Caleb reached out and touched the book, letting Mollymauk leave it in his hands. The tiefling stepped back a bit then, allowing Caleb the space to hold the book gently in between his hands. Caleb opened it, tracing his fingers over the words, before looking back over at Mollymauk. The tiefling was just smiling, arms crossed over their chest. 

“You didn’t have to do this, Mollymauk- I cannot accept this. I cannot repay you for this.” 

Putting their hands out in front of them, Mollymauk shook their head, still smiling, “You don’t have to repay me. You don’t have to do anything. You wanted this, and I got it for you, because I could. Like I said earlier- I can’t always afford to give people things, but when I can, I do. All I want is to leave each place a little brighter than I left it- and that counts for people I meet as well.” 

Mollymauk turned to leave, bowing with a little flourish, “There’s space in the tent I normally share with Yasha- she’s off to meet the thunder that’s rolling in. You’re welcome to stay- and to come with us. You don’t have to be alone anymore. Or, you can leave- and take that book as a parting gift, for a good day spent with a friend. Good night, Mister Caleb.” 

And with that, Mollymauk flounced off, dancing past the coals of the bonfire and into a tent, the lantern inside lighting up as soon as they entered. 

Caleb stared after them, looking between the tent and the book in his hands. Holding the book by the spine, he reached up, scratching under Frumpkin’s chin.

“What do you think I should do, Frumpkin? Do you trust them?” 

Large, slit pupiled eyes blinked back at him before the fey cat stretched, resettling around his neck and purring. 

“Thanks for the input,  _ Schätzchen. _ Very informative.” 

Teeth worrying into his lower lip, Caleb clutched the book to his chest, sighing. He wasn’t a strong man- and this was the easier choice. Having a place to stay and people to stay with, people to hide behind should the need arise was safer than travelling alone. 

Stumbling footsteps took him past the fire to Mollymauk’s tent, but he lingered outside. Even with the offer, it seemed like an intrusion- this was different than sleeping in a rented room, this was Mollymauk’s home. 

A disgruntled noise sounded from within the tent and the door flapped open, Mollymauk’s hand sharply gesturing for him to enter. 

“It’s going to rain soon, Mister Caleb. I’d hate for you to get your new book wet.” 

Ducking into the tent, Caleb laid down amidst the nest of blankets and furrs on what he assumed was Yasha’s side of the tent, looking over at Mollymauk’s brightly colored, tapestry-laden side. The tiefling was wrapped up in a blanket, horns and hair the only visible parts of him, now bereft of their chains and charms. Their hand came out, closing the shade of the lantern to a slit, just enough to navigate by in the dark.

“Goodnight, Mollymauk.” 

“Goodnight, Caleb. Welcome to the circus.”


	7. cut me a silk tie tourniquet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An early awakening, and a rude one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how long this update took! Things get really busy for me around Halloween/early November. 
> 
> Also, there's canon-typical descriptions of violence in this chapter, as there is a battle partway through. If you get squeamish about blood and stabbing, get in touch with me for a censored version!

Caleb woke with the sun, at precisely 6:42 am. The light filtered in through the fabric of the tent, tinted red and purple. Slowly, he sat up, taking account of his surroundings. He could hear Frumpkin purring, but the cat wasn’t in his usual space atop Caleb’s chest. A moment’s more investigation and Caleb caught sight of the tabby’s tail, flicking from the nest of brightly colored blankets beside him. 

Tieflings were warmer than humans, he supposed. Better for cat napping- even when said cat was a fey creature, apparently. 

Not wanting to wake Mollymauk, Caleb carefully moved the furs and blankets he was wrapped in, trying to make a path to the door of the tent. But Yasha’s nest of furs was a bit cumbersome, and he found himself only being reburied, cursing under his breath.

Another couple minutes of struggling to rearrange the bedding, wanting to leave Yasha’s bed looking as he’d found it, and Caleb heard a soft, low chuckle.

“Just leave it- we’ll be packing up in the morning anyhow, Mister Caleb.” 

Mollymauk’s voice was muffled, the lilting accent stronger than he’d ever heard it. Looking over, he caught sight of the tiefling’s face peeking out from the blanket nest, horns uncovered and unadorned with their usual jewelry, red eyes blinking blearily. 

“It’s morning, Mollymauk. To be precise, it’s 6:57 in the morning.” 

Another bleary blink, confused, and then Mollymauk was laughing, the motion enough to startle Frumpkin and cause the cat to wander back over to Caleb with a disgruntled noise. Absently, Caleb reached over to pet him, glad to have the cat back within reach.

“It’s fascinating that you always know what time it is- very neat trick. But morning starts after eight- anything before that is the dawn hours and I like to be asleep for those, thank you kindly.” 

“Ah- well.  _ Verzeihung,  _ Mollymauk. I did not mean to wake you- I just wanted to leave your- to leave Yasha’s bed as I found it. For when she comes back.” 

Sitting up, they waved a hand, nonchalant. Their other hand came up to cover their mouth, stifling a yawn that filtered over into Mollymauk’s voice, “Like I said, we’ll be packing up into the wagons soon enough. And Yash won’t be back for at least a week, weather prevailing. The storms are picking up, after all.” 

The statement was made so matter-of-factly, so plainly, that Caleb didn’t know what to think of it. He couldn’t see any connection between the weather and Yasha’s absence- unless the tall woman couldn’t come back because of the storm? But in that case, wouldn’t Mollymauk be worried about her, not loaning her space out to almost-strangers?

Everything about this situation was confusing. 

Caleb could feel that anxiety seeping into his bones again, closing his throat and burning in his stomach. He couldn’t think of what to say, wasn’t sure if he  _ should  _ say anything or if he was just supposed to let Mollymauk go back to sleep. Or what he should be doing, if he should be helping anyone do anything- he could hear movement outside, surely someone else was awake this early that he could help.

_ Fwip.  _

A strip of fabric caught Caleb across the face, causing him to start. He reached up, catching the fabric and noting that it was a shirt, looking back over at Mollymauk with confusion.

“You were getting into your head again. Figured I’d stop you before you got too far in.”

“Oh- well. Ah. Thank you for that. Here-uh. This is yours,  _ ja?”  _

Caleb reached across the tent to offer the shirt back to Mollymauk, who had sat up and was half-unwrapped from their blanket cocoon. And shirtless- possibly more than that, but Caleb couldn’t exactly tell from this angle and wasn’t going to make an effort to change that.

Without a shirt or their coat on, Mollymauk’s torso was fully exposed, showing off a full sleeve tattoo that blossomed out from the peacock feathers down their face and neck. The feathers gave way to flowers, through which a snake wove its way around Mollymauk’s arm. And here and there, peppered and peeking out between the other tattoos, were red eyes that seemed to catch whatever little light filtered in through the tent. 

In the time it took Caleb to notice every detail of Mollymauk’s tattoos, the images burning into his perfect memory, Mollymauk took the shirt from him, shrugging it back over their head. 

“Guess I might as well be up now. Been talking too long to drift back off.”

“Sorry again for that- I was trying not to wake you up, actually.” 

“No skin off my back, Mister Caleb- we can go see who else is awake, help with the early breakdown. Faster we’re packed up, faster we can get to somewhere new. New town, new faces.” 

Mollymauk started up a little monologue, mostly to themself as they got ready. It was an intricate ritual, chains threading through the pierced holes in their horns and connected to their earrings, gold liquid carefully painted in sharp lines over their eyelids and out to points, hair brushed back out of their face. 

In the interest of not staring, Caleb made himself look busy, checking over his books in their holsters and tossing his coat back around his shoulders. He didn’t really have anything to pack or unpack- his possessions were limited to the clothes on his back, his rudimentary spellbooks, and what few spell components he’d been able to scrounge up. Extra outfits were a luxury he couldn’t imagine right now. 

A sharp shriek stopped Mollymauk’s little lilting one-sided talk, the tiefling freezing in the middle of putting their coat on. Caleb froze too, something cold coiling in the pit of his stomach.

Who was here? What was happening? Were they here for him? Did they finally find him? Would they burn this circus to the ground for hiding him? 

Caleb’s thoughts raced faster than he could keep up with, and he barely even registered Mollymauk standing up and darting to the back of the tent. The glint of glass in sunlight drew his attention back to the tiefling, who was drawing colorful glass blades out of a trunk in the back of the tent, unwrapping them from silk fabric. 

“Stay here.” 

There was something very different in Mollymauk’s posture, tense and poised- all of that whimsy and looseness wiped away in the face of whatever was happening outside. Caleb looked up into Mollymauk’s face and another chill went down his spine at the expression there- worried, scared, and determined- not the expression of someone intending to flee, but to fight.

“What’s happening, Mollymauk?” 

“I don’t know. But I’m going to find out, and fix it if I can. That came from nearby- that means someone’s hurt.” 

Before Caleb could ask anything else, another shriek sounded from the center of the circus tents, and Mollymauk sped out the flaps of the tent, coat twirling behind them. 

Caleb didn’t know what was going on- Caleb didn’t know who was hurt, or what was hurting them, or even exactly where the incident was taking place. He didn’t know anyone here, really- not even Mollymauk, beyond the surface knowledge he’d gleaned from the last day and a half. And he certainly didn’t have a vested interest in any of them, Caleb was still very much used to fending for himself and only himself.

For all intents and purposes, he should do just as Mollymauk instructed- stay in the tent and wait until the danger was passed. But he had no way of knowing when that danger was passed if Mollymauk didn’t come back, and the apprehension of waiting here unaware outweighed the fear of what could await him outside of the tent.

So Caleb gathered up his component bags, stuffing them into the pockets of his coat and the slots on his belt, and stumbled out of the tent. 

Caleb didn’t know his way around the carnival in the slightest, but he didn’t need directions to find the commotion. The shrieking had stopped, but there was a sound of metal striking on glass and shouting, easy enough to follow. As he hurried towards the sound, he caught sight of Orrna peeking out from the door of a tent, holding the young child he had seen in the show the night prior, who looked terrified. 

“Uh- Molly said-”

“Stay indoors. We know. You should stay too- you can come in here, before they see you.”

“Nein, no, I’m. I will go see what is happening- Mollymauk might need help.”

And waiting with them would only make him more anxious for what might happen if whoever was here was here for him. 

“Be careful- Mollymauk knows what they’re doing. It’s always them and Yasha, stopping the people who come into our camp.” 

“Maybe they could use some help- so they are not fighting alone.” 

Orrna nodded solemnly, hiding the dwarf child behind her again. From behind her knee, the child peeked out, eyes wide and scared, but Orrna closed the door of the tent, keeping her from seeing anything.

Quietly, as Caleb ducked down to hide behind the tent on his way to the fight, he heard Toya’s voice, much softer and rougher in speech than song, “Will Molly be okay without Yasha to help?” 

He didn’t stop to hear Orrna’s answer- he was sure it wouldn’t be meaningful anyway. There was no way the genasi woman wouldn’t reassure the child- no reason to make her any more frightened than she already was. 

Hidden behind one of the empty crates, Caleb sent Frumpkin forward to look ahead, getting closer and closer to the sound of clashing blades. Through the cat’s eyes, he saw exactly what Mollymauk was up against. 

Three armored figures stood around Mollymauk, the tiefling cornered between them, each of them wielding a halberd. The tiefling was gracefully avoiding their blades, but Caleb could tell it wasn’t a fair fight- even for a practiced swordsman, three on one was a bit of a stretch. And Mollymauk already had a couple of slices across their abdomen. 

Just as Caleb was about to go back to himself, he watched as Molly hopped up onto one of the logs around the smouldering ashes of the campfire, sliding their sword across their own arm and drawing blood, the blade shimmering with cold light before they thrust it into the space between the armor plates of one of the figures, ice splintering out along the wound. 

Startled, Caleb pulled Frumpkin back, hurrying closer to the center of the camp and stopping where he could actually see the battle firsthand. 

The time he’d spent rushing forward hadn’t worked in Mollymauk’s favor, from what he could see now. The guard he’d landed an icy hit on was looking roughed up, but the other two weren’t nearly as damaged, and all three of them were still more than capable of attacking the whirling purple tiefling. 

One of them raised its halberd to strike Mollymauk, but before the blade could even fall, blood spilled from a split vessel in Mollymauk’s neck, covering the tattoos in stark red as the guard swung wide, stumbling forward and tripping over an object directly in front of him, as if blinded. 

The other two seemed only more enraged by this, both of them striking at Mollymauk simultaneously. And the tiefling was fast- extremely quick on their feet for someone so decked out in fabric and jewels, but not fast enough to dodge two blades from two different directions. They ducked under the swing of one, but were caught by a swift stab from the spear-end of the other, metal piercing through their stomach and sliding a couple of inches in.

Red eyes went wide, a cut-off sound escaping Mollymauk’s lips. Caleb watched as they stretched a hand out, hissing and growling in Infernal at the guard whose halberd was still buried in their stomach, hellfire spouting up around the guard’s feet and scorching him, causing him to pull back, Mollymauk stumbling back and covering their stomach with one hand, still holding the glowing glass scimitar. 

“Mollymauk, get behind something!” 

Caleb leant out from behind the crate as he yelled, pointing a hand at each of the armored guards in turn. Rays of flame caught from his fingers, striking the guards and causing them to double over in pain, looking around for the source of the magic. 

Ducked back behind the crate, Caleb held his breath, hoping against hope that they hadn’t caught sight of him, that the armed men wouldn’t be heading his way in a matter of moments. If Mollymauk had been having trouble staving them off, he was hopeless- he had very little in the way of combat practice. 

A guttural sound came from the battleground, followed by the sound of armor crashing to the ground.

And then there was silence. 

Caleb stayed put with his eyes closed, curled up in the shadow of the crate, shaking. Shallow breaths, making himself as small as he could, anything to not be seen, anything to not be noticed. 

“You should have stayed put, Mister Caleb. I could have handled it.” 

Blue eyes opened slowly to see Mollymauk standing over him, a wry smile on their face. The blood on their neck was beginning to dry, whatever strange wound it had spurted forth from already healing. But the deep wound on their stomach wasn’t faring nearly as well- Mollymauk’s hand had a scrap of fabric from one of their sleeves pressed tight to the wound, but it was already dyed crimson with blood.

“I think you needed help. And I think now we are even, no?” 

“I told you- I wasn’t holding a debt. But if you say we’re even, we’re even, Caleb. Thank you- really helped in a pinch. One of those shades down and the other two just turned to dust. You sped the process along quite a bit, I appreciate it.” 

They made an attempt to laugh, or at least, that’s what it looked like. But the motion seemed to aggravate the wound on their stomach, blood seeping out from between their fingers and a choked out noise silencing their voice. 

Their skin paled to something almost blue, much cooler than the warm lavender it had been earlier, and Mollymauk stumbled backwards, sitting down with their back against a crate, cradling their hand against their stomach. 

“Seems I’ll be in your debt, Caleb. Would you mind fetching Orrna for me? She’ll be able to patch this up- usually Yasha does but. She knows how.” 

Staring for a moment longer, Caleb nodded, getting up and shaking the anxiety off, “Ja- ja I will go get her. Don’t move.” 

“Wasn’t planning on it. The floor’s great this time of year.” 

The tiefling flashed him another smile, that same sardonic look that Caleb needed to find a new category for in his growing folder of Mollymauk’s grins. Perhaps it would go in the same category as that cold determined expression from earlier- outliers against Mollymauk’s fun-loving, companionable persona. Relics of something darker. 

Orrna was already on her way out of the tent when Caleb reached it- word traveled fast in the circus, it seemed, and everyone was peeking out of doors now that the shadowy guards had been sent off. And she was all too happy to follow him to Mollymauk, kneeling down and tutting at them as she bound their wounds, leaving Caleb to linger behind her, picking at his bandages and wringing his hands.

He’d been worried about Mollymauk- he was still worried about Mollymauk, truth be told, the tiefling was injured pretty seriously. He wasn’t supposed to worry about other people- he didn’t even have the energy and space in his life to worry about himself. 

A day of having someone even just pretend to care for his well-being was ruining his perfect system. And he didn’t know what to do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your patience!


	8. and i would wait and watch the hours fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The worst part of stories is the part they never talk about- the waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter this weekend to make up for the fact that I'll probably be silent all week!

Caleb learnt very quickly just how urgently the circus could be pressed into motion when one of their own was hurt. There were no clerics in their midst- or at least, none that could heal. But Orrna and a couple of other people Caleb hadn’t met yet had carried Mollymauk into a tent, bringing clean cotton cloths, herbed hot water, and other supplies in to the tiefling. 

Unsure of what he should do, the wizard had sat down outside the tent, watching people come and go with swift feet, pouring out bloody water over the cool coals and refilling the bowls from the pot of water off to the side. Another person decked in clothes reminiscent of Mollymauk’s through sheer embroidery pushed their way through, carrying a set of needles and thread, and after that, there was a period of relative silence and hissed curses. 

Nonmagical medicine was a painful process. 

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting outside of the tent, or how long into his dissociative state he’d summoned Frumpkin, but the cat was curled up in his lap, purring and kneading his legs as he idly ran fingers through the ginger fur. His eyes kept sweeping over the central courtyard of the carnival where the piles of armor had been left untouched- everyone gave them a wide berth as they made their way through. 

Who had sent enchanted armor to an innocuous circus? Crownsguard if you’re unhappy with them being around town, sure, but some sort of shadowy armor? And what were they here for? 

Caleb wasn’t sure who they’d heard shrieking, who had drawn Mollymauk out to fight the armor. All of the whispers he had heard in passing were concerned with the tiefling- so it was at least safe to presume, he hoped, that no one else was hurt grievously. 

He wondered, briefly, if anyone was in danger in the first place. Or if someone had targeted Mollymauk. What was it Orrna had said? That the tiefling and their companion were the ones most likely to respond to an attack on the camp? And despite what they had said, it was clear that without Yasha, Mollymauk wouldn’t have been able to deal with all three of the suits of armor. 

But Caleb didn’t have any information, no pieces to the puzzle he was trying to solve, just more and more questions the longer he thought. And being left alone with his thoughts was never good for the wizard. 

Taking a few deep breaths, he tried to refocus himself, looking down at Frumpkin and scratching under the familiar’s chin, a sad smile on his face, “What did I get myself into, Frumpkin? What did I get us into?” 

The cat didn’t deign to give him an answer, just nuzzling against his hand and putting its front paws against his stomach to get better leverage, purring louder. 

“ _ Ja.  _ Thanks for the input,  _ Schatzchen.  _ Very good advice. You should be a fortune teller with all the help you give.” 

“We already have a fortune teller- and they’re very good at it!” The rough voice startled Caleb, and he turned to look over his shoulder at Toya. The young dwarf was clutching a cloth doll to her chest, and looked anxious, eyeing the tent out of the corner of her eyes, “Is Mollymauk okay, Mister Caleb?” 

If there was something Caleb was woefully underprepared for, it was reassuring children. But he couldn’t just ignore her- everyone else in this place who cared for her was running around trying to stitch up a tiefling and stop them from bleeding out in the middle of the circus. And so, he patted the seat next to him, scratching Frumpkin with the other hand. 

“They will be okay. But it might take a little while- would you ah. Like to sit with me and my cat? We are waiting to see them too.” 

The child looked between him and Frumpkin, eyes narrowed, clearly unsure whether to trust him or not. And he couldn’t blame her, really- he hadn’t exactly had time to endear himself to any of these people. Mollymauk had brought him along and declared him a part of this family, but he wasn’t properly indoctrinated yet, by any means. 

But something convinced her to step forward, slowly sitting down on the log next to him, and with a click of his tongue, Frumpkin walked over to bump his head against her, settling into her lap once she stated to pet him. 

“Mollymauk made jokes before they went into the tent- I think that means they will be fine,  _ ja?  _ They like to make jokes.” 

“Molly makes a lot of jokes, yeah. They also tell stories. I like their stories- they’re all real because Molly believes them.” 

That statement was confusing, but Caleb couldn’t really expect a child to explain what they meant on that front. He just filed it away for later- maybe he’d ask Mollymauk about it once they were feeling a bit better. 

“This will be a good story to tell, no? About fighting all of these dark knights and keeping you all safe?” 

Toya’s face suddenly scrunched up and she stopped petting Frumpkin, holding her doll close to her chest again. Caleb was shocked by the sudden shift, and even more shocked when she shook her head, stomping her foot, “No. Stories never go like this- the knight wins the fight and gets to go off on a horse. Not lay in bed while Miss Orrna takes care of them.” 

“Sometimes stories leave out the parts we don’t want to hear. And I’m sure Mollymauk will leave this part out of their story- but I think it’s still a good one. They’re a hero, aren’t they?” 

That seemed to win the child back over onto his side a bit, even if it bit into his tongue to say it. She set her doll back down next to Frumpkin, the cat nuzzling against it before rubbing his head against her hand again, “Molly keeps us safe. So does Miss Yasha. We try not to get into too many fights, but sometimes people come anyway. And they always make sure no one gets hurt.” 

Caleb lapsed into silence, unsure of what else to say. It was almost palpable, how much the child admired Mollymauk, and he couldn’t blame her. Mollymauk was an enigma to someone like him, someone who wanted to know the answers behind their masks and layers, but to Toya? They were a family member- maybe even a parent, Caleb couldn’t say- someone who told her stories and vanquished the monsters that came to scare her. 

And no one liked to know that their hero was fallable- that their protector and role model could be injured. That the stories they had been told were missing parts of the truth. 

Thankfully, Caleb was saved from continuing the conversation by the tent flap opening behind him, Orrna and the stranger smiling down at them. 

“Oh- Toya, I told you to stay with Bo. Are you alright?” 

“Mmhm. Molly’s new friend is weird, but not bad. He says Molly’s gonna have stories about them now.” Toya moved Frumpkin off her lap, abandoning her place at Caleb’s side to immediately cling to Orrna’s leg, trying to look around her into the tent. 

“Well, only if we tell the stories. But I think Molly likes to tell their own stories, so we’ll have to ask them once they wake up. And after you take a nap,” The genasi reached down, hefting the child up into her arms. Toya looked displeased by this change, feet kicking, but Orrna just maintained her grip, “We can come back as soon as Molly wakes up- I promise. But you need rest and so do they.” 

“Are they okay?” 

“Right as rain, Toya. Just tired- it takes a lot of work to fight like Mollymauk does, even when they have help,” Orrna’s eyes slid over to Caleb at that, and he couldn’t help but wince at the knowing look in her eyes, “We owe you a debt, wizard. But it was not one we were prepared for- Molly didn’t tell us you could do magic.” 

“Ah- well. I did not. Tell them. Either. So it was not them keeping secrets from you, I promise,” The last thing he wanted was the other carnival people thinking Mollymauk was hiding things from them- they were family to the tiefling, that much was obvious. But he would much rather have never them found out about his skills- especially not through this method. 

Shrugging her shoulders, Orrna readjusted Toya against her shoulder, the child already beginning to drift as the genasi rocked her from side to side, “It’s a useful skill. We don’t have many who can do things like that- not trained, at least. We all have our skills- you saw Molly’s, I’m sure. But wizards can do a lot more than any of us can individually. Thank you.” 

“Don’t… no need to thank me. I was only doing what I could. Mollymauk was the one in real danger.” 

“And you could have let them fall- you didn’t. For that, thank you. Losing them would have been a real hit for us, in more ways than you might think.” 

Orrna’s careful avoidance of using the word ‘death’ didn’t go past Caleb’s notice, and he nodded, quietly accepting the thanks, as much as he didn’t want to. He didn’t feel he deserved it- not when he had hidden behind a box the whole time, not when he still wasn’t sure that these armored guards weren’t looking for him in the first place. 

But Orrna had a child to think of right now, and Caleb just had his own thoughts to contend with. She had much more important things to do than talk around his issues. 

“You can go in and sit with them if you want- they’ll be out for a while longer. We patched them up, but they lost a lot of blood. Rest and food, that’s about all we can do from this point.” 

“I think I will. Thank you.” 

“It’s what they would want- Mollymauk prefers not to wake up alone.” 

Orrna gave that comment in lieu of a goodbye, walking back down the path to the tent she had peeked out from earlier that morning. Yet another piece of information Caleb had gained about Mollymauk that felt disjointed- a puzzle piece for the middle of the image when he hadn’t even found all of the edges. Nonetheless, he filed it away as another thing to think about when he had a moment.

Slowly stepping into the tent, Caleb pulled up one of the wooden chairs to Mollymauk’s bedside, looking at the tiefling. The peaceful, blank expression seemed out of place on their face, too empty, too lax, not laced with nearly enough exuberance. But then, Caleb couldn’t be sure that energy was natural and not just an act they put on. Truly unnatural was the pallor to their skin, now a paler lavender. A blanket was pulled up around them, covering most of their chest and arms, but it was obvious just from the skin of their hands and face how much blood Mollymauk had lost. 

Before he even realized he was doing it, Caleb reached out to gently pat the tiefling’s shoulder, not even enough to jostle them, and certainly not enough to get a reaction- Mollymauk seemed to be thoroughly unconscious, which Caleb could understand. Took a lot to heal from that sort of injury without magic. 

Tapping the empty space in the bed, Caleb coaxed Frumpkin up to curl up next to Mollymauk- the cat wasn’t as warm as Mollymauk was, but he could help, at least. And if this morning was any indicator, he was at least welcome to sleep curled up with the tiefling. 

Caleb looked back up to Mollymauk’s face, taking note of the bandage on their neck, not nearly as bloodied as the ones being washed out by the fire, covering a much shallower wound. He’d never seen anyone do what he’d witnessed then- slicing themself open and embuing their sword with some sort of magic, and then blinding the shade, all with their own blood? 

It was something he’d only read about vaguely at the Academy, in the historical annals and in the manuals for the ascending warmages. 

Elite warriors who could use their own blood to attack the enemy, never defenseless so long as they could open wounds in their own skin. But every single time he’d read mention of one, it had been in reference to the wars with Xhorhas- assassins and high-ranking soldiers. Or in much rarer cases, in reference to the gangs that bubbled under the surface in Rexxentrum- there had been whispers of several of the groups getting ahold of the rituals to turn people into these blood-killers. Whispers, but no confirmation. 

None of those depictions seemed to fit Mollymauk, the jovially guarded tiefling that tossed their swords through the air like juggling props much more often and willingly than they took them up for combat. The frontman for the circus who slipped coins into children’s hats and overpaid for flowers from strangers. The concerned stranger who pulled him back from the ledge of a roof and dragged him all the way to their home in an effort to keep them safe. 

Every single thing he learnt about Mollymauk seemed to contradict itself, and Caleb was beginning to grow frustrated with the incomplete puzzle. He had no right to Mollymauk’s secrets- gods knew he was keeping his own close to his chest- but he wanted to know. He wanted to know why Mollymauk could do what he did- and more importantly, he wanted to know how Mollymauk faced the world with a smile and a chest covered in more scars than Caleb could possibly count.

_ The fires of hell forge the strongest steel, Bren. And the same is true for people. Only through pain can you grow stronger.  _

Even as he shook off the memory, Caleb looked over Mollymauk's sleeping form, teeth worrying into his lower lip, questions swirling in his head.

“What made you like this, Mollymauk Tealeaf? What kind of fire forged you?” 

The question fell on deaf ears, the tiefling continuing to sleep peacefully as Caleb sat beside him, eventually pulling out his spellbook and beginning to read to copy down a spell to pass the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	9. i want to complicate you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every piece of the puzzle only makes it harder to solve.

Caleb was focused on updating the sigils in his book, plucking them out of his memory. Everything recent was clear as a bell, but all of his years of schooling were sluggish, covered in a film of ash and soot. The healer had given him his memory back, but his mind had not been prepared for that onslaught. 

Someday he’d be able to really do magic again. Someday he wouldn’t be so weak. Someday, the voices in his head would be wrong. 

Trying to push those thoughts aside, Caleb crumpled up the parchment he’d been practicing on, flame catching on the edges of it and burning it all the way through. He put the ashes in a pouch on his belt- never knew when something failed could come in handy later. 

“Neat parlor trick- do that on enough street corners and you’d make a finer pot than I do,” The lilting voice drew Caleb out of his musings, startled and jolting back. It took him a moment to realize who was speaking- he’d gotten too used to the silence. 

Turning, he looked over at Mollymauk, who was watching him through half-lidded eyes, a smirk turning up the corners of his face, “Good morning to you too, Mollymauk. I did not know I had an audience for my. Uh. Parlor trick, as you put it.” 

“Not everyone likes an audience-  _ I’m  _ a crowd pleaser but we can’t all be graced with my charms,” Mollymauk tossed him a wink, causing Caleb’s ears to burn as he looked away, “I really just woke up in time to see you set paper on fire. Fascinating, really.”

“Ja, well. I’m not much of a performer. My magic is ah. Not something I really advertise.” 

Caleb took a moment to recollect himself before looking back at Mollymauk. The tiefling was sitting up now, and for a brief second, Caleb watched them wince as they resettled into a new position.

“All the more reason for me to thank you, then. Helped me out of a squeeze and showed yourself to be a wizard. But I won’t say anything about it if you’d rather I didn’t- every person gets to keep their secrets.” 

Secrets, yes. Caleb supposed it made sense that Mollymauk wouldn’t press for secrets- the tiefling clearly had secrets of his own. But it didn’t really alleviate the tension in his stomach, the worry that came with anyone knowing what he could do- knowing he wasn’t just an average vagrant on the side of the road. 

“We are even- you went out of your way to pull me from the edge of a roof, I helped you kill some suits of armor. A fair trade, I think.” 

“Wasn’t out of my way- I was going out to the roof to smoke anyway. But I’m glad I went when I did- I think it turned out better for the both of us.” 

Mollymauk flashed a smile at that and Caleb couldn’t be sure if they were teasing him or being genuine. Idly, he wondered if it ever got easier to tell if Mollymauk was telling the truth- not that it mattered, really. He doubted he’d be around that long. 

Caleb was roused from his inner monologue by the tiefling’s sudden movement- they were swinging their legs around, sitting up in bed. Before he could overthink and stop himself, Caleb reached out to stop them, hand on their shoulder, “Mollymauk- what are you doing?”

“Getting up. I’ve been in bed all day, there’s probably something that needs doing out there.” 

“You were stabbed in the stomach this morning. The only thing you should be doing is laying in bed.” 

This time, Mollymauk’s grin was sharp, both figuratively and literally. Their teeth flashed from behind their lips, ivory against purple, and they let out a snort, “I’ve had worse than this before breakfast, Mister Caleb. But I appreciate the concern- it’s a good look on you.” 

That statement and a wink and they were hopping off the bed, this time wincing much more visibly, but refusing to turn back or sit down. Shirtless, still bound in bandages, Mollymauk sauntered out of the tent and was met with a chorus of cheers and shouts of concern. 

Odd, that very few of them had come in- and none had stayed to sit for long. They ducked their heads in every once in a while, asked Caleb how Mollymauk was doing. But none of the other carnival workers seemed to want to sit in a tent with their hurt friend- maybe it was depressing to see their dancer so out of joint. 

No matter the reason, the others were clearly happy to see Mollymauk back on their feet if the laughter from outside was any indicator. Steeling himself and preparing for what was surely a crowd, Caleb packed up his things and slid his book back into a holster in the small of his back before following Molly out of the tent. 

The tiefling was draped across the shoulders of the half orc- Bo, if Caleb’s memory served-, clearly having been picked up and held off their feet. But they didn’t seem terribly upset about the placement, almost lounging. 

“It’s nice up here- weather’s a bit warmer.” 

The people around them laughed, Bo rolling his eyes and promptly- but gently- dropping Mollymauk onto a nearby bench. Everyone around them began to ask questions, a cacophony of words that Caleb couldn’t quite parse, and he just settled somewhere on the edge of the circle, where he could see Mollymauk but not really hear what was happening. 

Molly’s first line of action was to pick Toya up and settle her in their lap, and Caleb couldn’t help but wonder how much strain that took, to not wince at all or show an ounce of pain or worry in front of the person it would scare most. And truly, Toya looked more at ease the instant she was in Mollymauk’s arms, leaning up against their chest and listening as they told what was clearly a flamboyant tale of the morning’s skirmish. 

Every good lie had a bit of the truth in it. 

Catching his eye, Mollymauk winked, not even interrupting the flow of their story, and Caleb had to look away, clenching his fists in his lap. It was embarrassing, how even the slightest of gestures could fluster him like that, catch him off guard. Mollymauk was an open person- Caleb wouldn’t even feel judgmental for calling them flirtatious- but Caleb didn’t see the point when the actions were directed at him.

At strangers, Mollymauk’s winks and casual touches and saucy remarks were a distraction and an advertisement- a flash of the tail to draw in customers, or to draw attention away while the tiefling’s hands slipped into pockets or onto shelves. Here, Caleb could only assume that the flirtations were reciprocated- he couldn’t quite tell how everyone here saw each other, but he would be surprised if Mollymauk wasn’t involved with at least a couple of them, not counting Yasha. 

But there was nothing to be gained from flirting with him- Caleb didn’t have anything of worth for Mollymauk to steal, and the tiefling had already dragged him here and convinced him to stay. So why the winks, why the sidelong glances? 

Caleb added a new arm to the web of questions brewing in his mind, the tiefling’s grinning face in the middle. Every moment spent with Mollymauk left him with more questions than answers, and it was just as intriguing as it was frustrating- he’d always liked puzzles, this one was just more complex than he’d done in a while. And the methods were different than all the ones he had been taught.

Well. Trent’s methods would surely work on Mollymauk as well as they’d worked on any of the prisoners in the Academy’s dungeons. But Caleb balked at the thought of that alone, the image of Mollymauk chained and blank-faced from one too many Charm or Modify Memory spells a horror that he never wanted to face again- and a horror he was sure his mind would supply amply in his coming nightmares. 

No- Mollymauk was a puzzle for gentler hands. Something to be carefully twisted and turned until the latch was found, not pulled apart. And if Caleb stayed, he would have a chance to begin twisting those pieces- maybe. He just had to be careful not to get too close- he’d have to leave the carnival eventually, after all. 

The noise died down slowly as Mollymauk finished their story, looking drained. There was a grin on their face, but something hollow in their eyes and in the way the skin of their cheeks looked drawn across their cheekbones. Most of the adults of the circus seemed to take the hint well enough, leaving Mollymauk with a pat to their shoulder or a kiss to their forehead, but Toya seemed intent on staying, whispering something in Molly’s ear. 

The tiefling shook his head with a laugh, kissing the top of her head and carefully handing her off to Orrna, who took her with a practiced hand. With less people talking, Caleb could make out the words of their conversation, “Sorry, munchkin. Even on exciting days we still have bedtime. Besides, we have to leave mighty early tomorrow to make up for not leaving today.” 

“Could have left today if  _ someone  _ didn’t get themself stabbed.” 

“Hmm. Should really talk to that person- sounds very inconsiderate of them. Maybe they deserve a time out.” 

The notion of an adult being put in timeout was apparently hilarious to Toya, who immediately reached out and bopped Molly’s head, nodding, “Time out for Molly!” She repeated the phrase as Orrna carried her back to their tent, giggling every now and then.

“Time out for Molly indeed,” The tiefling sagged a bit once Toya was out of sight, leaning their head in their hands and taking a few slow, deep breaths, “A change of bandages and then it’s off to bed- being a hero is exhausting.” The bravado brought the mask back up and Mollymauk was smiling up at Caleb again, eyebrow raised, “What about you, I’m sure today was a bit much, yeah?” 

“A bit. More than I was expecting- but not. Ah. Impossible to handle,” Not a burning-through-his-spells level conflict. But there was always the threat that it could be, “A night of sleep and I should be fine.” 

“Sleep it is then- say, do you know what Orrna did with my swords? I need to take them back to the tent- they have to go back in their ceremonial wrapping or they’ll get upset with me,” The words came so smooth Caleb was certain they had to be lies, but he didn’t have the words or the wherewithal to call Mollymauk’s bluff. 

“Oh, ja. They’re in the tent- we brought them in with you.” 

“Fantastic,” Gone in a swoosh of their tail and back in a flash, Mollymauk returned with their coat wrapped around their shoulders and their swords slung into loops on the belt of the coat. A little slower and a little less lilty than usual, the tiefling set off towards their tent, Caleb following quietly along behind. 

Once they were in the relative isolation of their tent, Caleb turned to Mollymauk, intent on asking the most pressing and least personal of the hundreds of questions swimming in his brain. He paused, though, as he watched Mollymauk unwrap the gauze from their stomach, revealing the angry red welt of a wound, stitched up with thread and cracking a bit with dried blood. He looked away immediately, reaching for a bowl of water and heating it with a cast of Prestidigitation. 

“You- you should wash that. Before you rewrap it.” 

“I’m a carnie, not a child, Caleb. I know,” But the tiefling took the bowl with a smile nonetheless, the glint in their eye hopefully meaning they hadn’t taken offense. 

Once the wound was cleaned, Caleb didn’t have such a hard time looking at it, watching as Mollymauk methodically wrapped the gauze around their entire abdomen. It was a practiced motion- and as Caleb looked deeper at the layers on layers of scar tissue covering their chest and arms, he didn’t have to think hard to imagine why. 

Deciding to save his question for when the tiefling was a little less preoccupied with keeping their wounds clean and dry, Caleb set about getting ready for bed. While all that really consisted of was taking off his boots and his coat, he was very careful about where he set his component pouches, checking each one in turn to be sure of their contents- every gram was precious, every grain of sand a spell he could or couldn’t cast in a pinch.

It was in the middle of Caleb’s careful inventory that Mollymauk began speaking under their breath in Infernal, a much more gentle cadence than they’d used when rebuking the armor earlier. In fact, Caleb could only recognize it as Infernal by the telltale weight the language gave to the air- even when it wasn’t being used for magic, the language of the nine hells was powerful. 

Glancing over at Mollymauk, Caleb watched with intrigue as he prayed over the swords, hands sliding down the length of the blades. All of the scratches and signs of ice from earlier were gone, leaving only the red-purple sheen of the carnival glass in the firelight. And as Mollymauk’s voice fell silent, that glint was snuffed out by the fabric that came to wrap around them, keeping them safe in their trunk.

“They’re a family heirloom- I try to make time to pray over ‘em as regularly as I can, but especially when they’ve been put to use.” 

“You… did not strike me as a religious sort of person, Mollymauk- forgive me for making that assumption.”

“I’m a fortune teller, Mister Caleb- I have to believe in something.” 

The statement was followed by the sly grin that Caleb hadn’t quite nailed down yet- the one that teased, as if they expected Caleb to ask more questions afterward. But Caleb didn’t have anything to ask- who was he to judge if Mollymauk asked their god to keep their swords safe? 

Religion was a touchy subject for anyone in the Empire- best not to broach it further. 

Clearing his throat, Caleb nodded, accepting Mollymauk’s explanation before finding the words to ask his earlier question, “Molly- was anyone… hurt this morning? What happened? You got there much faster than I did.”

A shadow passed over the tiefling’s face and they shook their head, “No one was hurt- thankfully. It was a trick. I don’t know what they came here for, but they wanted a fight- and they got one, I guess. Didn’t get a chance to ask who sent them- but they didn’t really seem like talkers, if I’m being honest.” 

The knot in Caleb’s stomach tightened- there was no peace to be gained in ignorance. If they didn’t know why the armor had been sent, they wouldn’t have a way to predict or stop it from happening again. 

“Well. I am glad no one was hurt- except for you. And hopefully whoever sent them just wanted to scare off the circus.”

It was a baseless hope and he knew it- that level of magic was beyond a common townsperson angry at the carnival’s presence. But it was the reassurance he needed right now, and he had a sneaking suspicion Mollymauk would be comforted as well- one that was confirmed by the bit of tension that left their shoulders. 

“Hopefully. No reason for them to bother us once we’re thirty leagues off tomorrow,” Mollymauk tossed a silk kerchief over the magically glowing lantern, dimming the light to something just barely discernible for Caleb’s eyes, “We’ve got an early start- best be off to bed. Good night, Mister Caleb.”

“Good night, Mollymauk.” 

The tiefling turned over, tail curled around themself, and within minutes their breathing evened out, deep and slow. Caleb lied down in the nest of furs, watching Molly’s shoulders rise and fall with each breath until he, too, was eventually lulled into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be warned, I might not be updating this coming weekend on my usual schedule- my show opens Thursday so we've got late nights every day this week! So it might be a little bit before the next chapter, but I'll try and get some writing done. In the meantime, feel free to hit me up on twitter or tumblr!


	10. i wanna be praised from a new perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Packing up and moving is a whole-day affair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Found a bit of free time to update, so there won't be as big of a pause between chapters due to my show!

The bustle of breakdown woke Caleb with a start, and he woke to an empty tent. A sharp contrast to the last time, when Mollymauk had seemed reluctant to get out of bed, it was clear that the tiefling had awoken and left quite some time ago, all of their things packed away and shoved into a trunk. Aside from the furs he’d been sleeping in, Yasha’s things were gone as well, presumably packed up with Mollymauk’s.

Something clenched in Caleb’s stomach at that, another reminder that he was a stranger in their space- that once Yasha returned from wherever she was, there would be less room for him in this colorful world. 

Getting up, Caleb brushed his hands through his hair, untucking his shirt and tucking it back into his pants, making some semblance of getting ready for the day. He really needed to get some new clothes- these ones were wearing thin and he didn’t get the chance to wash them nearly often enough. But new clothes cost money, and he wasn’t exactly in possession of much of that right now. 

He took a moment to adjust his bandages, tugging them down over his wrists and fingers before stepping out of the tent, blinking to let his eyes adjust to the light. All around him, the other tents of the circus were being torn down, rolled up, and tossed into the cart. People carried boxes and bags and barrels, anything they could hold, hollering over their shoulders to ask for help, or assure others that they had it handled. 

Overwhelming would be an understatement, easily.

Backed up against the tent, Caleb tried to get a read on the situation- to see anyone he recognized as more than a passing face in the circus crowd. Whatever Mollymauk was doing, they clearly weren’t nearby- Caleb had faith he could spot the tiefling from a mile away, even without their coat. But he caught sight of Gustav hurrying along a path, carrying a pile of flags, and raised a hand.

“Ah- good morning Mister Caleb, are your things packed? Once we’re done packing the carts we’ll be heading off.”

“Oh, ja. I don’t have many things. They fit in my pockets, mostly. And I think all of Mollymauk’s things are put away- they were not here when I woke.” 

“The only days Molly wakes up on time are moving days- they’re around somewhere. Helping tie knots or something- good with their hands. The heavy lifting takes a little longer without Yasha around but we’re making good time. Should be ready to cast off within the hour.” 

“Would- would an extra pair of hands be helpful with that?” Caleb tried to give a little smile, but he wasn’t sure if it came off successfully, hands splayed out in front of him in an offering.

The ringmaster looked him over, smiling back warmly and shifting the flags to one hand to clap him on the shoulder, “Anything’s faster with help. Why don’t you see if anyone needs help organizing the carts- not so much heavy lifting as it is math, getting everything to fit.” 

“ _ Danke,  _ heavy lifting is very much not my strong suit, you might have guessed.” 

“I made an educated assumption- most magic users don’t tend towards manual labor. But I didn’t want to rule that out entirely, if it was somethin’ you were interested in.” 

A voice called out from behind one of the half-collapsed tents and Gustav sighed, giving a little bow, “I’ll see you around, Mister Caleb. Pleasure to have you joining our little family.” 

_ Family.  _

The word echoed in his ears like a hammer pounding an anvil, leaving him reeling as Gustav scurried off, handing the flags off on his way to the tent. He could feel himself beginning to panic, fingertips heating up and smoke wisping from the bandages, and Caleb drew himself in, boxing the panic aside. 

He could have that breakdown later. Not in public. Not in the middle of this half-built carnival. Not where other people could get hurt if he lost control of himself. 

Shaking himself, Caleb hurried over to the carts, quietly greeting Bo and sliding in to helping the half-orc organize the carts. It wasn’t hard work, but it took a lot of thought, and that was what Caleb needed right now, anything to get his mind off of his own thoughts. Careful calculations of what needed to be placed on the bottom for structure, or the top for safety, and then analysis of the dimensions. Busy work to lose himself in, to lose time in.

Before Caleb knew it, all of the tents were packed away, along with everyone’s personal belongings, save what they were carrying in their packs. Bo patted his shoulder on his way to Orrna, flashing him a smile, “Appreciate the help. Always nice to have a fresh set of eyes.” 

Still a little shaky, Caleb could only smile and nod, immediately looking around for someone or something familiar, something to cling to. And maybe his gaze lingered a little longer when he saw horns, or a flash of purple, but he couldn’t seem to find anything he recognized- everyone he had met over the past couple of days was filtering out of the camp, hopping into carts or walking along beside them. 

Caleb turned around, looking at the town that the circus was leaving behind. He’d only just made his way here- granted, he never stayed in a place for long, but he could stay here longer. No one knew him well enough to kick him out on sight yet, and the people here seemed to keep to themselves. It wasn’t so bad, when he thought about it.

Not so bad, if he discounted the fact that the loneliness and the guilt had nearly thrown him off a roof less than a week ago, and he couldn’t say that he didn’t still feel the urge gnawing at him like a dog sucking marrow from a bone. 

But if he left, all of these people would be safe. The people who laughed and tossed balls and books and staffs up over the carts to each other as they walked, ducking around and under to see if their gifts had made it. The people who had welcomed him as easily as breathing, not asked a single question, even after he’d made it clear that he was a danger in their midst, a wizard hiding his magic. The people who called themselves a family, and who fiercely guarded their wounded with care clear on their faces.

This was a family- and that was far more than he deserved. No one guilty of what he’d done deserved a second chance at that, at feeling at home, at feeling safe and loved and cared for. 

Best to just leave, stay here in town. Don’t give anyone a chance to get attached and inevitably be hurt when he failed again. 

Just as he was steeling himself to spirit off back into town, an arm looped around his waist and he was tugged back to reality, blinking in surprise at Mollymauk, who’d seemingly materialized next to him after being notably absent all day. 

“You get lost in your head a lot- want me to hold your hand while we walk so you don’t wander off, Mister Caleb?” The question came with a wink, and Caleb felt his ears burn as he shirked under Mollymauk’s arm, shaking his head.

“Oh, no. You. You don’t have to do that. I was just thinking- I will keep focused on the road.” 

Mollymauk shrugged, pulling away and readjusting their coat around their shoulders, still grinning up at Caleb, “Offer’s open. Just in case you ever need it. But really, we should get going. Best to not end up at the back of the traveling party- unless you want to listen to Bo make shy passes at Orrna all day.” 

“I’ll… keep that in mind. Thank you, Mollymauk,” Flustered and more than a little guilty that he’d been about to leave without saying goodbye to the tiefling, Caleb tugged his scarf up to cover the bottom of his face, falling into step a little behind Mollymauk as the carts headed off. 

Caleb was beginning to realize that Mollymauk didn’t enjoy silence. They talked to the people in the cart ahead of them, the kids that wandered between the carts or ran through them, and sometimes Mollymauk even talked or sung quietly to themself, humming a tune or going over lists that Caleb could only half-hear over the rustling of carts. 

Every now and then the tiefling’s need for conversation turned to him, asking a question or posing a thought, and Caleb would answer, but he kept his distance. He was still fighting off the void in his stomach, threatening to eat him from the inside out.

_ You don’t deserve this. Failure. Traitor. Coward.  _

For what felt like the dozenth time that day, he shook the voice out of his head, looking around at their changing surroundings. The rolling hills had swallowed up the town behind them, and there was nothing new on the horizon and wouldn’t be for several days, if the snippets of conversation he had caught were to be believed. But he didn’t feel the same daunting concern he had on the way in to this town- the wide expanse of the outer Empire was marginally less threatening in groups. 

Turning back to Mollymauk, he almost stumbled in surprise when he noticed what the tiefling was doing. Apparently, talking and singing and entertaining the few circus children hadn’t been enough to keep them occupied, as they had taken out the glass scimitars and were tossing them from hand to hand. The blades swung through the air, glinting in the midday sunlight before falling back down, hilt over blade, to land back in Mollymauk’s hands before being tossed up again. 

“I- Why do you not do that as part of the circus? The sword throwing? That is a marketable performance, I’m sure?” 

Turning over their shoulder, Mollymauk still somehow managed to catch and throw the swords without looking directly at them, which sent a shiver down Caleb’s spine, though he couldn’t quite place what emotion was behind it. They shrugged, tossing one of the swords behind their back and up over their shoulder before catching them both and simply spinning them by their crossguards. 

“Haven’t thought up a good story for it yet. All of our acts have stories- a complete narrative. I’m just good at juggling- particularly swords, but I can juggle most anything if you hand it off to me.” 

“Well. It’s- ah. Very impressive, Mollymauk. But please look at the swords when you do it- I worry you are going to cut your hands off.” 

“Worry? Didn’t expect to have won you over that much yet- but I do appreciate it,” Another wink, and Caleb’s ears were burning all over again, so soon after he’d finally gotten them to stop, “But there’s nothing to worry about. I could juggle these with my eyes closed- I know these swords better than I know my own hands, and I know myself  _ very  _ well.” 

Caleb choked on a cough, covering his mouth with his hands and trying to hide the laugh that threatened to come up from his throat. But Mollymauk didn’t seem nearly so concerned, the tiefling letting out a bright, pealing laugh as they went back to tossing their swords between their hands. With the assurance that laughing wouldn’t offend the tiefling, Caleb let himself have a little chuckle, the sound quiet and hoarse.

“Maybe keep your eyes open- if you know your hands so well, I’m sure you’d be sad to lose one.” 

If Molly’s laugh had been bright before, this one was positively stunning, like sunlight to a lamp. “Had that one coming, didn’t I?” The tiefling bodily turned around, grinning at him and shaking their head as they resheathed their swords. “You should make jokes more often- you’re fuckin’ hilarious when you do, Mister Caleb. And smug mischief is a good look for you.” 

Something blossomed in his chest at that statement, and Caleb fell into silent step behind Mollymauk again, the surprise euphoria from the praise enough to momentarily keep his demons at bay, just on the edge of his bright little bubble. 

Enough to last him through the day, at least.


	11. unraveled words like moths upon old scarves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toya has a surprising request, and Caleb considers the implications of what it means to be raised in the circus.

When the circus stopped for the evening, it wasn’t nearly as large of a camp as their full-scale operation. All of the large tents were left on the carts, and so were most of the personal ones. Some people were simply laying bedrolls out by the fire pit Orrna had started the moment the carts stopped- it wasn’t cold enough to need protection from the elements just yet. 

Nights spent outside, exposed to the elements, weren’t new to Caleb. And this time, there’d be a fire going and other people keeping watch, not just Frumpkin. So he hadn’t complained when Mollymauk asked if their tent be left packed up.

He had, though, gotten tongue twisted at the tiefling referring to it as ‘our tent’- as if it was already partially his. As if he belonged here in any way. But thankfully, Mollymauk hadn’t seemed to notice. 

So now his meager pack of things was placed on a bedroll with a fur blanket from Yasha’s stash, next to Mollymauk’s brightly colored pile of tapestries and woven blankets. The tiefling ran hot- Caleb knew that from even the few brief touches they had shared and the fact that half of the blankets wound up kicked to the edge of the tent while Mollymauk slept, but they always started with a gem-toned nest. 

Mollymauk had disappeared shortly after dinner, a raucous affair with food passed around the fire, and Caleb had simply found his way back to his bedroll, contemplating going to bed early or risking straining his eyes to copy another spell into his book by firelight. But before he could act on either of those thoughts, a cough from behind him gained his attention. 

Behind him, at eye level with where he was sitting on the floor, was the young dwarf girl, Toya. Mollymauk was standing behind her, their hands on her shoulders and an encouraging smile on their face, but she looked nervous, hands clasped in front of her.

“Ah,  _ guten Abend, _ Miss Toya. Is everything alright?” 

It took her a moment to answer, looking up at Mollymauk, who only smiled bigger, their hands rubbing at her shoulders, and when she spoke, her voice was quiet and rough, “Hello, Mister Widogast. I was wondering- Molly says you’re good at reading?” 

Caleb looked up at Molly quizzically- he hadn’t exactly spent much time reading in front of the tiefling, it was an odd statement to be made.

“In my defense, I said you’re a wizard, and therefore probably better at reading than me. Just on principle.” 

“Ah-  _ ja.  _ That’s a fair assumption, I guess. I do have to do a lot of reading for magic. And I’m fast enough at it. Why do you ask?”

Again, it took Toya a while to answer, switching from foot to foot and looking down at her hands. A frown touched her lips, almost a pout, and then she sighed, looking up at Mollymauk with a little fire in her eyes. 

“I told you, munchkin- if you wanna ask, you gotta do it yourself. I can’t ask Mister Caleb a favor for you.”

“Do you- ah- would it help if I wasn’t looking at you? Less stressful? I know asking things can be… scary. Especially from strangers.” 

“You’re not a stranger, you’re Molly’s wizard friend.” But she bit her lip, only defiant for a moment before nodding and looking down, “Hard to ask questions, though.” 

Caleb made a show of looking off to the side, showing that he wasn’t looking at her, just glancing from the corner of his eye to be sure she noticed. Her posture relaxed a bit, though the girl was still leaning heavily on Mollymauk, who was back to rubbing her shoulders. 

“Will you teach me how to read?” 

Blinking in surprise, Caleb turned to Toya, immediately regretting it when she flinched back from him and he looked down again, giving her another moment to adjust to him looking at her, “Teach you how to read? Do you… not know how? Has no one taught you?” 

Toya’s eyes seemed too big for her face with how she was looking over at him, biting her lip. The dwarf child had looked old beyond her years during her performance, a stage presence that she lost all of once she was offstage. Now, Caleb couldn’t be sure of her age in the opposite direction- he didn’t know how young this girl actually was, how young she’d joined the circus.

Slowly, her head shook, and she looked up to Mollymauk again, who smiled and nodded to her, “No. No one knows how to teach me. A lot of us don’t read…” 

Caleb’s childhood had been difficult- though, now, it held the few bright memories he could allow himself to hold on to- but at least he’d been given the chance to read, to learn, to move himself forward. Being able to read was what had gotten him into the Academy- what was supposed to have given him and his family a chance to be more than subsistence farmers, to have real lives, to change the world. 

A lot of doors were left closed to you if you couldn’t read- Caleb hadn’t even considered the notion that some if not most of the carnival’s residents weren’t educated. His eyes flickered momentarily to Mollymauk, curious, but the tiefling wasn’t looking at him, still focused on keeping Toya calm in the face of what was obviously a big task. 

“Of course I can teach you- it might be a little challenging. It is hard to learn to read- like learning anything else. But we can do it.” 

The surprise and joy across her face was almost painful to look at- almost as if she’d expected him to deny her request. And a glance at Mollymauk caught the relief on the tiefling’s face, confirming Caleb’s suspicions. He supposed it was a reasonable response- he certainly couldn’t have asked a stranger to teach him anything at her age, he would have expected to get thrown out onto the street. 

“Thank you! I wanna be able to read my own stories. Molly’s are fine, but I think books might be better.”

“I’m giving you the tools of my own destruction, am I? Gonna make me obsolete, huh?” Mollymauk laughed, kissing the top of her head and pulling her in for a quick hug before letting her go. 

“No! Once Caleb teaches me, I’m gonna read to you!” 

“I look forward to it, Toya- we’ll have to start buying you books. I’ll look at the stores next time we’re in a town.” 

Her usually calm, shy demeanor dropped for a moment and she hugged Mollymauk before turning to Caleb, taking a step forward with her arms outstretched before stopping. Instead, she just held out a hand, an imitation of a professional mannerism.

A short chuckle bubbled up from his throat but he quieted it, not wanting to hurt her feelings. Reaching out, he shook her hand solemnly before ruffling her hair, earning him a disgruntled noise and a shove at his hand. 

“Old people are weird, why do you all want to mess up my hair?” 

“Payback for when other old people did it to us as kids.” Mollymauk’s hand followed the same path his had, twining through her curls and ruffling them before they set her free, laughing softly. 

Toya turned to them with her arms crossed, sticking her tongue out before turning back to Caleb, “I have to go to bed soon but. Can we start next time we stop? When it’s still light out?” 

“ _ Ja.  _ We can do that,  _ Mäuschen.”  _ He looked up at Mollymauk, directing the next question more at them than the child, “Do you know if we have any easy books? Starters?” 

“Tell ya the truth? Probably not. We don’t usually have kids as young as Toya along with us, so no one keeps that sorta stuff.” 

“That’s fine- I will just write sentences, once we get there. We have to start with the letters anyhow- and that will take some time.” 

“Like I said- I’ll look for kids books next time we’re in a city big enough to have them. So you’re not set making your own class material.” 

Caleb was interrupted from his response by a yawn from Toya, who was leaning against Mollymauk again, half hiding behind the tiefling’s legs. Seemingly instinctively, the tiefling’s tail was wrapped around her, tip flicking every now and then, protective. \

“Let’s get you back to Orrna, yeah? You’ve had a long day- I watched you chasing those dragonflies outside of the cart all afternoon.” 

Toya reached up, nodding and yawning again, and Mollymauk leant down to hoist her up, resting her against one of their hips. The pose came naturally to them, Toya settled comfortably against their chest, and Mollymauk pressed a kiss to the top of her head. 

“Goodnight, Mister Widogast. Thank you again,” Her words were muffled against Mollymauk’s coat, but Caleb caught them all the same, smiling and raising a hand in a wave.

“Good night- I am looking forward to our lessons.” 

With that, Mollymauk smiled and departed, carrying her off to one of the few tents that had been set up. It made sense, to keep the youngest and those who needed the most care inside, just in case. 

They were back before long, shedding their coat and sitting in amidst their nest of blankets. They flashed him a warm smile- the genuine one, the one Caleb had seen them give to Yasha and Toya and Gustav, the one that meant they were truly happy. 

“Thank you- I know she already said her piece, but I appreciate it. She’s been wanting to learn for months and none of us are really sure how to teach that. Even those of us that can read just kinda powered through it- can’t teach.” 

“Oh, well. It’s. It’s no trouble- least I can do for you all letting me stay with you and feeding me.” 

“You know you don’t have to do anything in return for that, right? We’re a family- and we’re always accepting new members. Even if there was nothing you could do that was ‘useful’ to us- you’re a part of this now. And we care for our own.” 

Caleb was dumbstruck into silence, looking down at his hands and picking at the bandages where they were beginning to unravel. He needed to get some new fabric- these were getting dingy, and when these got dirty it was much more unpleasant than his clothes.

Mollymauk seemed to take his silence for the end of the conversation, sitting back a bit and reaching over to grab their coat from where they’d tossed it. Humming to themself, they produced a needle and thread from one of their seemingly endless pockets and began stitching a little rip in the hem of the coat back together. Caleb looked over to see what the smooth movements were all about and found himself unable to look away. It was mesmerizing, watching their fingers deftly thread the needle through the fabric, making stitches so tiny they could be missed, even from this short distance. 

From here, Caleb could see the detailing on the coat much more clearly than he’d gotten a chance to before. All of the little designs were embroidered in shimmering threads, rich gem-tones with bright silvers and golds to accent here and there. And the sleeves were a patchwork, scraps of fabric held together with ties- somehow looking purposeful, even where it was clear they had been repaired with a new mismatched brocade. 

“Did you do all of the embroidery, Mollymauk?” 

The sudden question seemed to startle the tiefling, who dropped their needle and cursed under their breath before chuckling, “Didn’t realize you were watching. Yeah, all of it on the coat. Took me a long time, and it’s still a work in progress- I add new patterns when I feel inspired to.” 

“It’s beautiful. Did you used to be a tailor- the stitches, they’re very clean.” 

“Nope. Just good with my hands, like I said. I picked it up pretty naturally- but my first few attempts were shite. Didn’t keep those, except for scrap fabric.” 

“Well- you have certainly improved from that. It’s lovely.” 

“Thanks, Mister Caleb- I appreciate it,” They tossed him a wink, and Caleb was grateful for the darkness falling to cover his ears, flushed and warm. 

It took Mollymauk a moment to find their needle again, and then they looked over at Caleb, humming and tilting their head thoughtfully. Carefully, slowly, they reached over and touched the sleeve of his jacket. Caleb stiffened, unsure what Mollymauk wanted. 

“Do you want me to fix this? You’re going threadbare at the elbows, and the seams are looking a little worse for wear.”

“Oh-” Something like shame twisted in his stomach, and he picked at his bandages again, shrugging. “It’s. It’s fine. This is just an old coat- it’s still keeping me warm.” 

“May I?” Mollymauk was holding the needle in the other hand, an offering, and Caleb bit his lip, thinking for a moment before shrugging out of the coat. He felt naked without it- some days he even slept with the coat on, just an extra layer between him and the world. 

Mollymauk held it carefully, reverently, looking it over and clicking their tongue. Caleb was sure it smelled horrific to the tiefling, filled with spell components and covered in ash and mud, but they didn’t show any outward sign of it. 

Reaching into a bag, Mollymauk pulled out a spool of brown thread, comparing it to the coat and humming, appeased as they began quickly stitching around the fraying hem, marrying the edges back together and reinforcing them. Once they’d finished going around the holes in the seams, Mollymauk held it back out to Caleb with a smile.

“That’ll hold- I don’t have any patch fabric in your colors at the moment. Figure you don’t want ocean blue brocade at the elbows. But once I find some, I can patch up the holes for you- keep this keeping you warm.”

Taking his coat back, Caleb turned it over and over in his hands. The threads were almost invisible, only there because he knew what to look for. The worst of the fraying was repaired, the only signs of wear now the holes and parts where the fabric itself was dissolving. Throwing it on, he enjoyed the solid weight of it on his shoulders again, and took a moment to appreciate what it was like to not be tickled by loose threads or catch his fingers on the split seams. 

“Thank you- you didn’t have to do that.” 

“Don’t mention it, Caleb- we’re friends. I’m happy to help. Besides, it helps me wind down. So really, it’s a winner’s game.” 

Still running his fingers over the new stitching, Caleb nodded, giving Mollymauk a small smile. The tiefling went back to their own sewing project, humming quietly and leaving Caleb to his own devices. 

Wrapped in his coat, Caleb turned over and let the soft sound of Mollymauk’s song and the wafting smell of incense lull him to sleep.


	12. everything's gone missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teaching Toya to read is a rewarding experience- but something is amiss as they settle outside of the next town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some mild references to dermatillomania and anxiety-induced picking at skin/bandages in this chapter, if you'd like a version with these scenes removed, PM me!

Toya insisted on bringing Mollymauk along for her first reading lesson- quite literally dragging the tiefling by their hand to the mats Caleb had set up with paper and ink. He guessed this was in part because she wasn’t comfortable around him yet- and maybe in part because Mollymauk was less dry company.

The tiefling wasn’t really engaged in the lesson, though- they had brought fabric with them and were pricking at it with a needle- maybe embroidering again, Caleb couldn’t see from the angle they were sitting at. They’d tossed a couple of half-interested glances at the letters of the alphabet when Caleb wrote them out, but quickly given up the pretense once they were sure Toya was involved. 

And really, she was doing splendidly for someone with, Caleb was assuming, no formal schooling. A few run throughs of the alphabet and she could recognize the letters when he pointed at them randomly- not just their order, but what they looked like and how they sounded. And when he handed her the quill, she scratched careful, messy copies of the letters- shaky and large, but legible. 

Good progress for a first lesson, and Caleb made sure they were finished well before sundown- too much work could discourage her, and he didn’t want to be attempting to check her work in the lowlight of the fire. Besides, tonight was likely their last night before making camp outside of another town, and being a part of the circus was fun, certainly, but also a lot of work for one so young. Caleb wanted her to have as much of a night off as she could. 

Packing away the writing supplies and his sample cards, Caleb flashed Toya a smile, “Good work,  _ Mauschen. _ We can continue tomorrow?”

It took a moment, but a smile turned up the corners of her mouth as well and she nodded, “Tomorrow. Thank you, Mister Caleb.” 

“Of course, Miss Toya. Do you need to be walked home?” 

“It’s the big tent where Orrna and Bo and the other kids are- I think I can find it,” She rolled her eyes, sticking her tongue out at Caleb before waving and hurrying off, leaving Caleb in the dust with a little smile on his face.

“Oh. Well. Fair enough.” 

Mollymauk’s laugh bubbled up from where the tiefling was curled up with their sewing, putting the fabric down so they could grin over at Caleb, “If it makes you feel any better, that’s a lot of words out of Toya. She doesn’t talk much when she’s not performing. But she’s happy you’re doing this- a lot better than any of us would have, like I said.” 

“You weren’t paying enough attention to know how well I was teaching.” 

“I didn’t have to pay attention, because you were teaching. If you were fucking around, I would have gotten on your case about it. But I didn’t have to- and it’s good background noise.” 

“Well- you have my word that I won’t, Mollymauk. Life is hard if you can’t read- if my job here is helping Toya read, or anyone else that needs to, at least I’ll be paying my way. Easier to stay safe when you can read the notices up in town squares.” 

Something like surprise flashed across the tiefling’s face for a second before it disappeared behind a smile. Mollymauk got up, stowing the fabric they’d been working on into a pouch before offering Caleb a hand, “I told you- there’s no debt to pay. But if thinking that way makes you feel better, that’s fine, I guess.” 

Caleb took Molly’s hand, letting the tiefling help him up before letting go and dusting himself off. “It does.  _ Danke,  _ Molly.” 

“Nothing to thank me for. Catch you around, Caleb- I’ve got a delivery to make.” 

“Delivery?” 

Mollymauk grinned, as if they’d been hoping Caleb would ask, and they pulled the fabric back out of the pouch. He could see now that it was some sort of shawl or scarf with ornate beadwork in the shape of birds fluttering down by the hem. 

“It’s for Lyra. Not sure if you’ve met her yet- she’s a kenku and a little wary of strangers. I promised her I’d fix this- and I added some flair.” 

“Ah. Well, it’s lovely. You’re very good at all of that stuff,  _ ja?”  _

“Most sorts of sewing. But I can’t do jewelry work- never had the training. So all of the pieces you see are picked up,” They gestured to their horns and ears, the chains clinking as they shifted their head from side to side, “If we ever settle somewhere with a jewelry smith long enough for me to learn, I intend to. But until then I’ll make do.” 

Mollymauk put the fabric back in their bag, shrugging their coat on and dipping into a flourishing bow, waving and heading off down amidst the bed mats and little tents.

Idly, Caleb’s fingers slid over the bandages on the opposite hands, tracing them up his wrists. Catching his nails in the new stitching at the edges of his sleeves, he picked at that for a moment rather than the bandages, leaving those untouched. 

After a moment more of picking at the threads, Caleb shook himself from his reverie and finished cleaning up the supplies from Toya’s lesson, everything packed away in his bags and pockets.

* * *

The tiefling was notably absent from Toya’s second lesson. The dwarf girl had shown up alone and seemed surprised not to find Mollymauk already there, but hadn’t said anything, eager to continue with her lessons. 

It was rewarding, seeing her improve in tiny steps. She’d handed him a piece of parchment she’d worked on during the day in the cart- the letters were even shakier due to the bumps in the road, but she’d gotten most of the alphabet right from memory. Some of the letters were backwards or looped in the wrong place, but overall, a vast improvement. 

It was a good thing they were right outside of town- they’d be needing some easy reading books for her soon enough. Short words were already on her list- she’d picked up on the simplest of rules regarding consonants and vowels, and the excitement on her face when she got a word right or only needed to be corrected on pronounciation was enough to have Caleb smiling too. 

“Good work, Toya- I imagine we’ll be taking a break while we’re in town? So you can rest for your performances?” 

The girl looked at him with a furrowed brow, shaking her head, “No- we can still learn during the day! I just have to be ready by nighttime to sing. And I don’t talk much so I can save my voice.” 

“Maybe shorter lessons then- so you have time to rest.”

That compromise seemed to settle her, the frown leaving her face. She gave him back the slate and parchment, keeping a scrap to practice with later. Toya looked around again, her breath leaving her in a huff. 

“I wanted to show Molly that I can read letters now. But they’re not back still.”

“Not… back? Did Mollymauk go somewhere?” Toya’s little shrug stated that she knew nothing more than he did, and Caleb reached over, patting her shoulder, “When they come in, I’ll let them know. I’m sure they’ll be very proud of you.”

Nodding, Toya smiled and allowed the touch to linger for a moment before she opened the flap of the tent that Caleb was once again sharing with Mollymauk, waving, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Mister Caleb. Get some sleep! You look tired.” 

Caleb sighed, shaking his head and waving off her concern with a wry smile- she was right, he always looked tired. But no attempts at going to bed earlier or sleeping longer were liable to fix that. Rest simply didn’t come easy to him- it hadn’t for years. 

“Goodnight, Toya.” 

Settling back into the furs, Caleb looked over to Mollymauk’s side of the tent. The tiefling had splayed their tapestries and blankets out in their usual myriad array, but hadn’t touched anything since then. Caleb wasn’t sure where they’d gone- Gustav had taken them aside for a conversation just after the tents were set up and that had been the last Caleb saw of them. He presumed they were helping with other set up or something. 

But it was odd for them to not be back by now, nearing sundown. And it was clear that Toya had expected them to be here- she’d looked for them and looked up at every sound approaching the tent that could have been them. 

A knot of tension began building itself in Caleb’s gut and no amount of reassurances could untie it. Surely Mollymauk was just working on something somewhere else in the camp. Maybe Gustav needed an extra pair of ears to workshop some part of the narrative. Maybe someone’s costume had ripped and needed emergency fixes. 

Or maybe something had happened to them. 

Grumbling to himself, Caleb pulled his coat tighter around himself and opened the flap to the tent, letting his eyes adjust to the torch-lit half light of the carnival before walking down to the central fire. Bo was leant up against a log, looking into the fire with a wistful expression when Caleb sat down, clearing his throat. 

“Ah- Caleb. Didn’t see you there. Sorry- little out of it today. How’re you doing?” 

“Good- I’m good. Finished another lesson with Toya- she’s doing very well,” The statement was the right choice to make, Bo’s face softened into a warm smile at the mention of the young dwarf. 

“Glad to hear it- Molly told us you’d agreed to teach her. Orrna and I really appreciate it- I can sorta read, but it takes me ten minutes to get through a page. Not exactly the best kinda teacher.” 

“It’s no trouble- I’m happy to help. But ah- about Mollymauk. Have you seen them today? They were missing at Toya’s lesson and she seemed… put out about it.” 

Better to make it about her than about him- it would be odd if he was worried about Mollymauk. They were still only just brushing against acquaintances, really. 

Bo’s brow ruffled and for a moment he looked over towards the city, sighing, “They’re probably still up in town. Mollymauk scouts for us before we really start advertising- check and see how active the Crownsguard is here, check the general… atmosphere, of a town, if you catch my drift.” 

“Wouldn’t it be… ah. More prudent? To send someone like Gustav or even… myself? For that sort of thing? If the people here are… backwards, they’re more likely to be upset with Mollymauk, are they not?” 

A little deprecative snort escaped Bo and he nodded, something sad and angry all at once in his face, “If we sent Gustav, we wouldn’t know how they really react to people like Mollymauk, or Orrna, or me. Mollymauk volunteers to go because they really are the… loudest of us. If the townsfolk can handle Mollymauk, they’re less likely to come for the rest of us with pitchforks.” 

“And if they can’t?” 

“Mollymauk comes back and tells us, and we pack up before we can even start. Last thing we want is trouble- we’re just trying to move along and make our living.” 

Caleb nodded, sobered from his excitement of teaching Toya. He had more reason than most humans to fear and distrust the Crownsguard, but for odd born people, the stakes were always high.

“It’s… getting late,  _ ja?  _ They should be back soon?” 

“They’re usually back before sundown, if I’m being honest. But they probably just got caught up talking with someone friendly- that’s usually how this goes if they’re late. If folks are mean, Molly heads back pretty early.” 

Again, Caleb’s fingers sought out his bandages, picking at the folds as he worried teeth into his lower lip, “ _ Ja.  _ Molly likes to talk. You’re probably right- thank you for informing me, Bo. I will see you tomorrow.” 

A hand came down on his shoulder, causing Caleb to freeze in his compulsive picking and scratching, looking up at Bo. The half-orc had a small smile on his face, trying to be reassuring, “Molly’s a bit wild, but they’ve got their wits about them- they’ll get out of the city safe. Maybe just later than we expect.” 

“I suppose I will not have tea ready for them then, if they might be late,” The attempt at a joke fell flat, Bo just patting his shoulder again before sitting by the fire again. The knots in his stomach were no looser, though, as Caleb walked back to the tent, looking over the carnival at the city walls. 

The sun had set behind the city now, and the only lights visible from within were fires and lanterns in windows. If this city had a curfew, it was surely in place by now, and the later it got the more dangerous it would be for a stranger in town. 

Caleb was most of the way back to the tent when he stopped, sighing and running a hand through his hair. He checked his pockets, patting the spellbooks and the components to ensure that everything was in working order. This wasn’t the smartest idea he’d ever had, but it was this or staying awake all night feeling the acid of panic eat up his throat.

Either Mollymauk was fine and he’d run into them on their way out of town, or something was wrong, and the faster someone came looking for them the better. 


	13. a taste of what you paid for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb slips into town to find Mollymauk- but trouble seems to follow them like an autumn breeze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for misgendering via gendered language (it's not militant/intentional misgendering, but Mollymauk does get called a woman/man by various characters at separate points), canon-type slurs (Crick), dermatillomania, and mild self harm via dermatillomania. 
> 
> For a version of the chapter with these triggers removed/summarized, contact me here, on twitter, or on tumblr and I'll send you a link to a safer version!

Caleb was careful to avoid any of the circus folk on his way out of the group of tents. Something told him they would try and stop him- either because they believed Mollymauk would be fine, or because they didn’t want two people getting caught if Mollymauk was in trouble. And maybe those were valid points, but Caleb’s conscience wasn’t listening to those.

And for all of his years of schooling, Caleb was still prone to acts of imprudence.

Approaching the gate to the town, stopped around the bend from the guard station and cast Disguise Self, putting himself into a suit of armor. His face was unrecognizable, cheeks fuller and eyes brighter, hair a dusty sort of blonde and tied back to stick out from the hole in his helmet. 

Hopefully, generic enough to get him through the gates and let him navigate the streets until he could find Mollymauk. 

He raised a hand in greeting, the other two guards at the gate hailing him as he approached. 

“Find anything interesting down at the freakshow, mate?”

Letting his voice slip into something guttural, Caleb laughed and shook his head, “Nothing fun. Just a bunch of wanderers. Hear they’ve got a fire breather and some  _ great  _ dancers, though, if you’re looking for a good evening.” 

The other guards laughed with him, compounding the sickly taste on the back of his tongue as they opened the gates for him, “Maybe we’ll pay them a visit, then. See if they can pay their way for loitering outside our gates. See you back at the Watch House.” 

Caleb started walking through, before turning to look at them, “Did any of them come through here?”

“Y’know, yeah. Now that you mention it- odd lookin’ tiefling lady- big horns, long coat. Kinda expected her to have come back by now. Maybe someone took her in for the night, eh?” 

The two guards laughed and Caleb quickly joined in, chuckling despite himself so as to not give himself away, “Maybe. Guess I’ll keep an eye out, make sure there’s no trouble.” 

A hand clapped him on the back of his armor, the guard closest to him laughing, “You do that- and tell us if you find her, yeah? She looked like a good time- if you wanted something freaky, that is.” 

Caleb nodded, forcing a smile onto his face and pulling away, “Maybe I’ll tell you- if you buy me a round. Good night, boys.” 

“Night!”

Caleb ducked in through the gate, happy to be out of that conversation. Once he was out of sight and earshot, Caleb ducked into an alley, pressing himself up against a wall. Slipping through the illusion, he pulled at the bandages around his arms, feeling the scars beneath burning with phantom sensations. 

Not usually one for baths, Caleb felt like he needed one after that. Even facetiously, talking like that about Mollymauk and the other carnival folk made him feel slicked with oil. 

Catching his breath and coming down from the panic, Caleb checked his reflection in a window, making sure he was still in the guard’s form before heading back out onto the streets. He could only hope that Mollymauk hadn’t gotten captured and brought in- a generic guard could pass at the front gate, but certainly not the Watch House. 

He began taking a stroll around the city, checking the alleyways and peeking in the windows of taverns- Mollymauk wasn’t exactly a quiet person. Caleb was quite certain that if the tiefling was in one of the taverns, he would be able to tell. 

Unless, of course, Mollymauk had gotten a room for the night. Which was always a possibility. The tiefling had been staying in town the night they met, after all. 

Caleb was just rounding a corner when he heard raucous laughter, pressing himself up against the wall and staying in the shadow as he watched the door to a tavern open, someone tossed through the door. 

The firelight caught for just a moment across the figure and Caleb saw deep purple curls and the maroon folds of Mollymauk’s coat flying around them as Mollymauk fell to the ground, rolling to get back to their feet. 

“Long way from home, aren’t you, Crick? Didn’t anyone tell you? Your kind aren’t welcome up here.” 

A laugh curled up from Mollymauk’s lips- a different one than Caleb was used to. This one put a chill down his spine, half from how obviously fake it was, and half from the deep, musical tone they gave it. 

“Gentlemen, I’m  _ flattered.  _ Do you think I should change my marketing? A Xhorhasian spy instead of a simple fortune teller?” 

“No one from the Empire could have a face like yours, Crick. You’d better hurry home- it’s past dark. Wandering these streets could get you in trouble- and they pay good money for spies at the Watch House.” 

“I see you don’t have an interest in your futures- my sincerest apologies. I’ll take my business elsewhere,” Mollymauk made a show of bowing, coat billowing around them as they turned to leave, “Pity. We could have had a good time.” 

One of the men reached forward, grabbing Mollymauk’s shoulder and pulling them back, “Do you think you’re better than us, freak? You’re lucky we’re just kickin’ you outta our bar and not doing something worse.” 

Before Mollymauk could respond, Caleb stepped out of the shadow, clearing his throat, “We have a problem, gents?” 

All three of them turned to him, each with a modicum of respect and Mollymauk with a healthy amount of fear before the tiefling’s expression was schooled to blankness. 

“This tiefling was causin’ a ruckus, so we decided to see him outta the bar. That’s all, officer.” 

“Yeah. He’s causin’ trouble- gotta be some kinda rebel or somethin’. Not the kinda person we want hanging around here.” 

Nodding, Caleb stepped up, placing his hand on Mollymauk’s other shoulder. Through the illusion, he could feel how stiff the tiefling was, every muscle taut. Something in Caleb’s stomach felt vindicated- he was right to come. 

“Get back inside. I’ll see to it that the tiefling is dealt with. Thank you for your work, citizens.” 

Eager to wipe their hands of the situation, both of the men headed back inside, but not before spitting at Mollymauk, sneers on their face.

“Enjoy the stocks, freak.” 

Once he was sure the men were staying in their tavern, Caleb moved his hand down from Mollymauk’s shoulder to between their shoulderblades, guiding them toward the alleyway. 

“I won’t run- you don’t have to guide me. You have my word.” 

A gruff grunt was the only sound he made here, still in public view. But as soon as they were in the alleyway, under conceal of darkness, Caleb took his hand away, voice slipping back into its natural cadence, “Molly? Are you alright? You were supposed to be back by now, so I. Ah. I came looking.” 

Shock played across the tiefling’s face and Mollymauk jumped back, hand under their coat- on the hilt of a scimitar or knife, perhaps? Caleb couldn’t quite make it out in the half light. 

“Beg your pardon?” 

“Oh.  _ Ja.  _ The disguise. Right,” Caleb let the spell slip, feeling the drain of concentration leave the back of his mind, thoughts a little clearer, senses a little sharper. And his reward for dropping the spell was an incredulous smile spreading across Mollymauk’s face, teeth flashing white in the darkness.

“Caleb Widogast, you tricky bastard,” Taking their hand off their blade, Mollymauk rushed him, pulling him in for a hug that felt crushing- sudden warmth and arms around him and a sensation in his chest he couldn’t put words to, “I thought you were taking me to be killed- or worse. Didn’t know you took acting classes.”

Caleb’s hand came around to pat Mollymauk’s back, not feeling totally comfortable returning the hug but wanting to reciprocate in some way. Pulling away, he ran a hand through his hair, teeth worrying at his lower lip, “I’m not the best of actors. The magic helps- anyone believes you in a suit of armor.” 

“Did a pretty good job, if you ask me- if you ever wanna perform, I’d say you’d give Gustav a run for his money as a narrator. Or at least a piece of the story,” Mollymauk smiled, encouraging and genuine- a smile that touched his eyes.

_ Only if it’s a piece of yours.  _

The thought came to him unbidden and he bit his tongue before he could speak it aloud- that was something to examine with himself when he was alone. He didn’t even really know what it meant- and he certainly didn’t want to explain it to Mollymauk. 

“Well.  _ Danke,  _ Mollymauk. For the vote of confidence. But now we must get out of here- and it will not be as easy as getting in, not without my magic.” 

Mollymauk didn’t seem the slightest bit concerned about that, looking at Caleb with a glint in their eyes. Their tongue slipped out of their mouth, drawing his attention as it licked along their teeth and the seam of their lips before slinking back out of sight. 

Almost distantly, Caleb realized his mouth was dry, and his ears were burning.

“Don’t worry. I’ve always got a trick or two up my sleeve, Mister Caleb. All we have to do is get from here to the gates- I’ll take it from there.” 

Still a tad unfocused, Caleb nodded before shaking himself, trying to unscramble his thoughts, “Well. If you say so, Mollymauk. I did not see many guards on my way here- but we want to be careful about this, no?”

“Of course- can never be too careful.” 

With that, Mollymauk pulled their hood up, covering their horns and jewelry. The coat itself was still ostentatious, but at the very least, their face was imperceptible under the oversized hood. Caleb pulled up his own hood, wrapping the bottom half of his mouth in his scarf. The tattered beggar look generally meant people avoided looking at him, and he hoped that was the same even when he was accompanied by someone as bright as Mollymauk.

A quick, quiet pace brought them most of the way back through town, Mollymauk masterfully good at slinking from shadow to shadow. For someone who spent so much time putting themself in the spotlight, they also knew exactly how to avoid it. 

But the sound of measured, clanging steps around the corner had Caleb freezing, looking around for the source. Mollymauk paused too, looking toward the street corner and then back at Caleb. 

“Do you trust me?” 

The question caught Caleb off guard, and he started, staring at Mollymauk, “ _ Was?  _ Molly what do you mean by that?” 

“No time for questions, Mister Caleb.” And with that, the tiefling grabbed his hand, tugging him into a darkened alley just as the guards rounded the corner.

Unfamiliar voices filtered up the street, the footsteps stopping for a moment.

“Did you see that?”

Caleb’s first instinct was to slink deeper into the shadow and pray not to be seen, fingers itching to tug at his bandages and pick at the scars underneath. But Mollymauk still had a firm grasp on his hand, the tiefling’s head tilted as if they were listening closely. 

As the footsteps approached, Mollymauk seemed to make a decision, and before Caleb could question what was happening, the tiefling was pressing him up against the wall,sliding a hand into his hair to pull his face down to their level, “Trust me, just for this moment.” 

“Uh- well-  _ ja,  _ sure. I suppose. What do you mean-” 

Warm, soft lips pressed against his own, stifling his words and swallowing them whole. Caleb stopped speaking out of surprise- stopped breathing, even- his whole focus encompassed on Mollymauk’s mouth against his and Mollymauk’s hand in his hair and the other hand settled on his hip, holding him firm against the wall. 

“Well, well. What do we have here, huh? Lover’s tryst?” 

Mollymauk pulled away long enough to let Caleb breath, panting into the space between them. Their horns and a majority of their face was still covered by the hood of their coat, leaving them draped in shadow as they turned to face the guards. The almost-giggle, low and warm, that bubbled up from their chest had something in Caleb’s stomach flipping, and he was grateful for the darkness hiding the flush to his face and ears. 

“Sorry boys- if you want a piece of this, you’ll have to share in his fee. And a mouth this pretty doesn’t come cheap,” To emphasize their point, Mollymauk pressed their lips to the underside of his jaw, leaving a lipsticked mark. 

The guards both looked to each other, laughing and stepping back, “Not on duty, ma’am, but if you’ve got a card, maybe we’ll come calling. I’m sure you offer discounts to the men who work so hard to keep you safe?” 

“Oh, certainly- just not when I’m already on the clock with another client,” That same laugh again, voice dipping down into a purr. 

“Best get on that clock in a room- middle of town’s no place for this sorta business. You’re lucky we’re in a jovial mood this evening.” 

“ _ Thank you,  _ boys. I really do appreciate it.” 

Caleb was still trying to get his bearings when Mollymauk wrapped their arm around his waist, pulling him away from the wall and dragging him down the alley, away from the guards. They gave one last wave and blew the guards a kiss before giggling again and pulling him along with them, sticking to the shadows. 

The rest of the dash out of the city was just that- a mad dash. Caleb’s head was still reeling, his mouth and jaw felt like they’d been burned where Mollymauk kissed him, raw and alive with nerves, and he could feel the tacky gloss of Mollymauk’s lip varnish against his skin in the cool night air. The only other part of him that felt connected to the world was his hand, still gripped tight in Mollymauk’s as the tiefling ran him through town, the rest of him felt like he was floating on some distant cloud. 

“C’mon, Mister Caleb. Up and over- can’t take the front door at this hour.” 

Blinking to semi-consciousness, Caleb realized Mollymauk was offering him a boost up over the wall, and he took it, hopping up. He leant down to offer Mollymauk a hand, and the tiefling took it, but only for an instant as they basically ran up the wall, vaulting over the other ledge and landing on the ground, arms outstretched. 

“And now we jump- I promise I’ll catch you. I’ve made much harder catches.” 

At this point, Caleb was just rolling with the punches- every part of this night felt less real than the last and he hadn’t had a moment to run his usual checks. So when he jumped from the wall, he felt no real fear, just the rush of wind past his face for a split second before Mollymauk’s arms were around him, catching him and righting him on his feet. 

The tiefling looked around, eyes glinting like a cat’s in the dark, almost back-lit. Seemingly satisfied, their tail uncurled from its tense position, going back to its usual sway as they began walking at a much more leisurely pace down towards the tents. Caleb watched them for a moment, transfixed, before realizing that Mollymauk wasn’t holding his hand anymore and thus wasn’t pulling him along- he needed to catch up.

A short jog put him back in step with Mollymauk, who already seemed in better spirits, whistling a tune to themself as they walked. Every now and then, though, they looked back towards the town as if expecting guards to pour forth from the front gate.

This town likely wouldn’t be a place they were stopping for a show. 

As they entered the circle of tents, the lowlight from the dying bonfire threw Mollymauk’s face into momentary relief. Their lipstick was smeared at the edges, and there seemed to be a bit more light in their eyes than usual, though Caleb couldn’t quite tell- Mollymauk’s eyes were harder to read than a human’s, without the pupils to judge by. 

“Thank you, Mister Caleb.” 

The quiet voice interrupted Caleb’s inspection as they approached their tent, and he shook his head, “No, no. Don’t thank me. I was just acting on a hunch- I. Did not want to risk something happening. The circus needs you.” 

A grin tugged at Mollymauk’s lips at the statement and the tiefling bowed dramatically, opening the flap of the tent and gesturing Caleb in. “Well. Thank you for that too- and you’re right. The circus does need me. The circus needs everyone- we’re all integral. But that wasn’t what I was talking about.” 

Blinking slowly, Caleb sat down in the pile of furs, head tilted in confusion, “What? What did you mean, then? What else are you thanking me for?” 

“Trusting me.” 

The smile Mollymauk gave with that statement was almost blinding- not in how wide it was, but how genuine and warm. Like sunlight, not like fire. Caleb felt light-headed just looking at it, and his tongue couldn’t form words for the life of him. So he simply nodded, running a hand through his hair and pulling the collar of his coat up around him tighter. 

“ _ Nichts zu danken,  _ Molly. It was. Very quick thinking.” 

Chuckling, the tiefling placed their coat in the chest, wrapping their swords in it with careful reverence. 

“Let’s get some rest, huh? It’s been an eventful evening, to say the least.” 

Caleb nodded, still feeling a little bit like all of this had been a dream. Like he would wake up in the morning and Mollymauk would simply be there, having returned from town themself in the night while Caleb slept. 

“Goodnight, Molly.” 

“Night, Mister Caleb.” 

Mollymauk placed the dark sheet over the lantern, muting the light to something Caleb could only barely make out details through. They curled up in their nest of blankets, breathing slowing to the calm of sleep. Looking over at them, Caleb carefully ran through his reality checks, fingers pressing into the old scars on his arms until they burned as he counted down from ten. 

Real. All real. All down to the lipstick still smeared across his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (;


	14. if every night i go to sleep knowing that I gave everything that i had to give then it's all i could've asked for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's business as usual with the circus, moving along to a new city- but hasn't something changed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't find a reasonable place to split this chapter so it's just 4200 words long. Oops. 
> 
> trigger warning for some mild negative self talk, mentions of dissociation.

Low, musical laughter echoed in the dark, close space, coming from a warm mouth that was nearly pressed to his ear with how close it was. Caleb could feel the breath ghosting over his skin, all of his hair standing on end.

“Do you trust me?” 

His throat was tight, mouth dry, and he couldn’t find words if his life depended on it. But almost instinctively, he nodded, eyes slipping closed. That same laugh sounded, so close it was almost in his own head. And then lips were pressing to the corner of his jaw, kissing down that sharp line to his chin before catching his mouth. 

Caleb’s mouth fell open, the wizard melting back against the wall behind him, cold brick a distinct juxtaposition to the warm body pressed up against his. He felt more than heard the noise they made in response, a purr that made his lips tingle and something in his stomach flip. 

A forked tongue flicked over his bottom lip, slipping into his mouth and causing his eyes to open, pupils wide with arousal and the utter lack of light. The only thing he could see was the backlit, reflective quality to Mollymauk’s eyes, like a cat’s in the dark, and the slightest glint of metal from the charms on their horns. 

_ “Scheiße,  _ Mollymauk,” Caleb slid a hand up into the tiefling’s hair, curls catching around his fingers. They made that soft purring sound again, and their teeth were white enough to flash visibly in the lowlight of the alley, a bright grin on their face. But only for a moment before Mollymauk’s mouth was pressing open mouthed kisses down his neck, his mind going blank and silent, words sapped from him as his eyes slid closed again.

Teeth scraped gently against his pulse point and Caleb gasped, eyes opening. His pulse rang in his ears, his skin hot, his breaths short and sharp. It took him a moment to get his bearings, snapping his fingers and summoning Frumpkin so he could run his fingers through the familiar’s fur while he took in the surroundings.

Dark. Not sunrise yet, but close. And swathed in furs that were too warm for his oversensitive skin. A glance to his left revealed the lump in the blankets that showed Mollymauk was here and still sleeping, if the gentle twitching of their tail was any indicator. 

Once his thought process caught up with reality, Caleb buried his face in his hands, shaking. The heat curling in his stomach was extinguished by the mortifying experience of waking from a very personal dream mere feet away from its subject. 

At the very least, the fates were kind enough not to wake Mollymauk. Or perhaps the tiefling was just that heavy of a sleeper- they seemed pretty content in their nest. 

Frumpkin turned around himself a couple of times in Caleb’s lap before resettling, pushing his head against the wizard’s stomach. 

“ _ Ja,  _ it’s early. You’re right, Frumpkin. Sorry for waking you,” His voice was whisper quiet, fingers still carding through Frumpkin’s fur. It was the only thing stopping him from peeling the bandages off of his fingers and picking at his skin. 

The only response from the cat was a soft ‘mrrp’ and another nuzzle of his head before he settled completely, eyes closed, contentedly purring while Caleb scratched behind his ears and fluffed his fur. 

While the sun slowly rose, Caleb focused on the sensation of Frumpkin in his lap, pushing all memories of his dream into a box in the back of his mind. Nothing to visit or think about- it was a fantasy based in stress. The night prior was still heavy on his mind, and it was no real surprise that the events would play in his dreams.

Caleb’s mind was particularly good at tormenting him with his own memories. 

Only after the sun was well above the horizon and the sounds of the camp were filtering in through the tent did Mollymauk stir and rouse Caleb from his mindless scritching. The tiefling sat up slowly, rolling their shoulders with a series of popping sounds and then turning to flash him a smile. 

“Morning- it’s still morning, right?” 

“9:27,  _ ja.  _ It’s morning.” 

Mollymauk blinked, smile widening into a grin as they let out a little laugh, “Still odd, that you always know what time it is. Bet it’s useful- I just let time happen to me for the most part.” 

“It ah. Helps when you know what time the guard shifts are. When you can be out on the street and when you need to be hiding. Amidst other things.” 

An understanding nod was Mollymauk’s only real response, the tiefling getting up and going over to their little chest, slipping out of their nightgown as they did. Caleb’s ears burned again and he certainly didn’t stare a little too long at the moon and sun across Mollymauk’s shoulderblades, the red eye staring out from directly over the column of their spine, the lean muscle that rippled under the ink- and the marked absence of the scars that covered Mollymauk’s torso and arms.

Aside from the tattoos, the skin of Mollymauk’s back was mostly unbroken, only the occasional old mark or scar that wrapped around from their back. 

Soon enough, Mollymauk pulled their shirt on and stepped into their patterned pants, humming to themself all the while. Caleb sat up a little straighter, running his hands through his hair and trying to pull himself together, mentally and physically. 

“Here- forgot to give you these last night,” Mollymauk’s voice was closer than Caleb expected them to be and he jumped a bit, turning to look up at the tiefling. For a split second, he caught something like hurt in their expression before it was gone behind the warm smile, though Mollymauk pulled away, taking a step back and holding out a box. “I made some approximate guesses- so if any of it doesn’t quite work, let me know and I’ll do what I can.” 

The tiefling dropped the box into his lap before Caleb could turn it back, grabbing their collection of blankets and shoving them into the box before belting on their swords and throwing their jacket on. 

“We’re heading out as soon as everyone’s packed- best not to linger around a town like this. But take your time- I’m gonna help everyone else and then I’ll be back to toss our stuff into the carts.”

An artful bow and they exited the tent, leaving Caleb still clutching the unopened box, feeling as if he’d been struck with whiplash. On one hand, Mollymauk wasn’t acting any different than they usually did- getting up, getting ready, and flitting off to do circus work. But on the other hand- Caleb felt like there was something different. 

Even if kissing him had just been a ploy to get the guards to leave them alone, Mollymauk had thanked him for trusting them- and he’d agreed that in that moment, he did trust them. That changed things, that had to change things.

He hadn’t trusted another person, even for a moment, in years. 

Arms itching, Caleb opened the box, blinking in surprise at what it contained. In the box was a simple white shirt, made of a softer material than his current clothes. And beneath that were dark brown pants, a coarse wool fabric, but much warmer and nicer than the threadbare pair he was currently wearing. 

Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Caleb quickly shucked his old shirt over his head, pulling the new one on. It was a little loose at the shoulders and looser still at the waist, but the length was right, the cuffs even covering most of his bandages. And it felt cool and soft against his skin, a reprieve from the rough, dirty fabric of his old shirt. 

Suddenly, Caleb felt self-conscious about the state of his clothes. How shabby he must look that Mollymauk felt a need to buy him new clothes on their reconnaissance trip into town. 

Finishing changing, Caleb rolled his old clothes up and stuffed them into his pack, taking up much of the free space. He wasn’t exactly used to having extra clothes- he’d have to wash them the next time they stopped long enough to heat water for laundry. 

All of his things repacked and Yasha’s furs stacked as best he could, Caleb left the tent to offer his help packing things up. Best to get to work and avoid thinking last night or Mollymauk’s mysterious gift. And thankfully, there was always something to do, someone who needed a hand puzzling the cargo into the carts or calming down the horses.

* * *

  
  


Before long, they were back on the road. Caleb had caught sight of Mollymauk here and there- the tiefling always seemed to be in precarious places, hanging off of poles or hopping up onto the support beams of the carts to place things. But the tiefling had fallen in step with the caravan at a different point than the wizard, so Caleb found himself walking mostly alone. Every now and then someone would pass him and smile, ask how he was doing, and move on, but other than that, he walked in relative silence. 

The only interruption to his solitary march was a tug at his coat hem, causing him to look down to his left. Toya was standing there, her short legs working double time to keep up even with his slow strides. Slowing his gait, he smiled down at her, small and shy.

“Hallo, Miss Toya. Can I help you?”

“Are we reading tonight, Mister Widogast? Mollymauk said they have a surprise, but only if you’re not too tired.”

“I should be fine to read for a little bit- we can start on some more words, maybe get into short sentences before you need to be in bed.” 

A wide smile split Toya’s face, revealing that she was missing a couple of her teeth, far enough back that it was difficult to notice them most of the time. She let go of the hem of his jacket, clapping her hands together and skipping almost in place before running off, turning around almost out of earshot to shout back to him.

“Thank you! I’ll tell Molly! See you at the fire, Mister Widogast!”

He raised a hand, waving goodbye to her as she ran away, her short legs carrying her away quite fast. Caleb couldn’t help but chuckle, shaking his head with vague amusement. Even if he still only knew the names of half of the circus folk, he was making leaps and bounds with Toya, at least. As far as he could tell, she had approached him entirely alone- though he was sure Orrna or Bo weren’t far off.

It was a welcome distraction, to think about what he would teach Toya once they stopped for the evening. He could focus on that while he walked, taking a notebook out of a pocket and making little notes, careful not to run into the people in front of him.

* * *

  
  


Mollymauk’s surprise turned out to be books. The tiefling was practically vibrating with excitement when Caleb joined them and Toya at the fireside, their tail oscillating like a hunting cat. They had pulled the books out with a wide, toothy grin, handing them over to Caleb.

“I asked the bookseller for the best books to use with a new reader. He was surprisingly helpful- much nicer than most of the people in that town.” 

Caleb flipped through them, a nostalgic smile turning up the corner of his lips, “These are perfect- very similar to what I read to learn. But mine were in Zemnian first- Common came later. The same characters, though- the boy and his sister and their little dog. Thank you, Mollymauk- these will help a lot.”

They waved the praise off, curling up into what Caleb was beginning to realize was their default sitting position, tail wrapped around them as they pulled out another embroidery project, something to do while they listened.

Toya sidled up close to Caleb, looking over his arm at the book that was open in his lap. He turned the book so that it would be easier for her to see, reading the sentences slowly and pointing to each word. After a couple of read-throughs, Toya began speaking with him, nervous and tripping over words and syllables, but following along. 

Turning the page, Caleb let her start, speaking the first couple words with her, but getting quieter until he faded out, Toya finishing out the sentence on her own. Turning around to look at him, she looked up at him with wide eyes. 

“ _ Ja.  _ That’s right. You’re right- keep going.” 

Toya’s teeth worried into her lower lip, the child clearly anxious about the prospect, but eventually she turned the page, looking at the sentence beneath the picture. She started a couple of times, cutting herself off and shaking her head, frustrated. Caleb reached out, placing a hand on her shoulder and smiling. 

“It’s okay- we can do it together if you are not ready.” 

“No.” Toya made a face at him, sticking out her tongue, and Caleb was certain he heard Mollymauk snort from across the bench. Putting his hands up in a show of surrender, Caleb sat back, nodding. 

“Alright. You can do this, Mauschen. You’re doing well.” 

Toya turned back to the book, biting her lip for a moment before taking a deep breath. She spoke slowly, cautiously, but with an edge to her words, as if she was trying to prove she could do it, “Spot goes down the hill.” 

Caleb noticed out of the corner of his eye that Mollymauk had stopped sewing, the needle held aloft in their hand as they watched Toya with a sort of hopeful wonderment. Meeting their eyes, Caleb nodded minutely, smiling and reaching out to pat Toya’s shoulder.

“That’s right- you got it right, Miss Toya. Do you want to keep going?” 

Emblazoned by her success, the young girl nodded, moving on to the next page and running her finger under the words a few times, mouthing them and thinking before continuing. A slow couple more pages, though, and she was growing more and more frustrated, taking longer to get words out.

Caleb reached over, placing his hand atop hers, “Let us call it a night, hmm? It’s getting dark- I have trouble seeing.” 

“Yeah, Toya- humans don’t have dark vision. The rest of us can see at night, but Caleb’s gonna need glasses if we make him read by firelight.”

Toya turned around to look at him, closing the book and giving it back to him, “Don’t go blind from the dark. Thank you- I’m reading!”

“You are- you’re learning very fast. Soon you won’t even need me, hmm?” 

Toya laughed a little bit at that, getting up and dusting herself off, righting her dress and putting on her coat. 

“Do you need a hand getting back to your tent, munchkin?” Mollymauk had packed up their sewing, looking over at the girl, who shook her head sharply.

“It’s right over there, Molly. I’ll be  _ fine.  _ You just make sure Mister Widogast doesn’t get hurt on the walk back- it’s  _ dark.”  _

“I’ll keep him safe. Goodnight, Toya.” Mollymauk reached out to ruffle her hair, but she ducked away, running off and giggling, leaving the tiefling overbalanced on an arm before they relaxed back, laughing softly. 

Caleb stacked the book on top of the other two, binding them back up with the ribbon Mollymauk had brought them in and holding them up, “Thank you for these- they’re very helpful. She’ll be able to read them all on her own soon, I think. They… were they expensive? They’re in nice shape.”

The tiefling shrugged, tail flicking as they reached into their rucksack again, “I had the money for them, and the bookseller had them. That’s the only part of the transaction that matters- and the fact that she likes them, and they help.”

With a triumphant sound, they pulled a large, paper wrapped parcel out of the bag, “I meant to give you this a while back, but we’ve been busy. And I wasn’t sure you’d actually accept it if I gave it to you back in town.” 

Blinking in confusion, Caleb took the parcel from Mollymauk, pulling the paper back off the cover and gasping before he even read the embossing. Under the paper, the thrum of arcane energy hummed across his fingers, warming them at the tips. 

“Mollymauk- where did you get this? How?” 

“The bookstore you visited in town. And I bought it, with money- c’mon, Mister Caleb, work with me, you know how buying things works.” Mollymauk was grinning, their teeth flashing in the firelight, and it was clear that they were amused by his reaction, vindicated even.

“No-  _ ja-  _ I understand that. But. How did you know to get it? And- why did you get it? It was very expensive- I know because-”

“Because you asked about it. I know. I stopped by the bookseller on my last trip around town- while you walked with Yasha. Asked the man if you’d been interested in anything, and he said the only book you really lingered on was this one. So I bought it. But I was very concerned you’d return it if I gave it to you while we were in town, so I waited until getting back there would be a hassle.”

Caleb had to laugh a little bit at that, running a hand through his hair. His other hand was still clutching the book, half expecting it to disappear from his hands, or to wake up and have all of this be yet another dream.

“Mollymauk- I cannot take this- you paid too much for it-”

“And I can’t do anything with it. I’m not a wizard. You wanted it, I could afford it, and I felt like you needed something of a pick-me-up. Or maybe something to look forward to- because you have to learn the new spells in it, right? Something like that?” 

“ _ Ja-  _ once a wizard gets a new book of spells, we transfer them into our spellbook, copy the instructions and the sigils and what not and learn it, so we can use them. But that’s not the point- the point is, you spent what? Four gold? Five? On someone you didn’t even know?” 

Mollymauk looked him dead in the eye, a bemused expression on their face, “I don’t really get what you’re poking at, Mister Caleb. I don’t need to know someone’s whole story to do something for them- to hope that maybe I can make them smile.” 

“I don’t  _ get  _ you, Mollymauk. You’re not rich- no one in a circus is rich. How can you just… throw money around? Overpay and buy surprise gifts and drop money on a book you didn’t even understand?” 

A chuckle came in response to his question, Mollymauk pulling one leg up to rest their chin on their knee. Their mouth was turned up in a smile, but it wasn’t one Caleb had ever seen before, an uncategorized smile with something almost bittersweet to it. 

“No- I’m not rich. And I’m never planning on being rich- not planning on much of anything, really. And sometimes we have enough money to eat and keep the fires lit and that’s it. But sometimes we do good and we can afford some luxuries. And I’ve got my vices, but most of that money goes to other people. Because I might be dead tomorrow, but if I spent my last copper making someone smile, my life was worth it. Can’t bring money with you.”

The statement was surprising, and chilling. So chilling, in fact, that Caleb felt a shiver down his spine and a knot in the pit of his stomach. This was the most serious he’d ever seen Mollymauk- aside from when they were fighting those shadows- and the most confusing. 

Normal, well-adjusted people didn’t generally speak so lightly of their own deaths.

Suddenly sobered, Caleb looked back down at the book in his hands, unable to make eye contact with Mollymauk, whose eyes almost seemed to burn with the truth of their statements. Pulling the rest of the paper off, he ran his fingers over the embossed letters, gold glinting in the dying firelight. 

“I guess that is fair. The Matron doesn’t accept payment at her gates- you don’t get anything for being buried with gold.” 

Mollymauk’s only response was a hum and a nod, surprisingly quiet, and Caleb looked over to see that they had turned a bit towards the fire, letting the shadows and light flicker over their face, metal catching the light every now and then. Their eyes were closed, and there was something almost tired in Mollymauk’s expression, as if their outburst had drained them. 

“I- ah. I do not deserve this. But- thank you. For thinking of me and buying it. I did want it-  _ do  _ want it, that is. I have not… I have not held a new book of spells in a very long time. 

The words were the right choice, if Mollymauk’s smile was any indicator, the tiefling turning back to him with half of their face thrown into shadow, “You’re welcome, Caleb. I’m glad you like it- it looked confusing when I thumbed through it, but again. I’m not a wizard.” 

Seemingly finished with this conversation, Mollymauk rose to their feet in one fluid motion, offering Caleb a hand. He took it, pulling himself up and clutching the book to his chest, intoxicated by the aura it gave off.

“Promise me something, though- my gift comes with a caveat.” 

Ice ran down the back of Caleb’s neck at that, the man instantly releasing Mollymauk’s hand and pulling back. 

“Don’t stay up late to read it- take a seat in one of the carts tomorrow and read it by daylight. I wasn’t joking about reading in the dark.”

Relief washed over him in a wave that made his knees weak, and Caleb tilted to the side, threatening to fall. Mollymauk was quick to steady him, warm hands on his forearms holding him upright.

“Hey- sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you, darling. Poor taste joke, I guess. Deep breaths?” 

Shaking off the dread, Caleb patted one of Mollymauk’s hands, nodding, “I’m fine. Thank you. I- will not stay up tonight reading. Because I do not want to keep you up.” 

The short laugh that came in response to that cut the tension a bit, but when Mollymauk followed it up with a wink, Caleb felt his ears burning again, “Thank you kindly- I love my beauty sleep.” 

“It shows.” 

The statement surprised Mollymauk almost as much as it surprised Caleb coming out of his own mouth, the tiefling’s eyes widening minutely before a wide grin tugged at their lips. Dipping into their trademark low bow, Mollymauk laughed again, “Thank you, thank you- it’s been a while since I had my ego stroked.” 

Caleb joined in Mollymauk’s chuckles on the way back to the tent, careful to watch his feet in the shadowy paths between the lanterns. But Mollymauk wasn’t moving so fast that he felt a need to rush to keep up- a safe pace for someone who couldn’t see and didn’t have the makeshift layout memorized. 

Laying down in the bed of furs in his new, clean clothes was a comfortable experience- so comfortable he almost didn’t want to sleep in them, lest they start to lose their softness. But the alternative wasn’t an option, even if Mollymauk seemed comfortable in their half-sheer nightgown- this still didn’t feel like  _ his  _ space. And Caleb preferred to spend as little time naked as possible. 

Mollymauk’s hand lingered over the hood of the lantern, as if waiting for Caleb to stop them from putting it out, but he just smiled, nodding. 

“See you in the morning, Mister Caleb.”

“See you at nearly noon when you wake up, Mollymauk.” 

The tiefling flipped him the bird before closing the hood on the lantern, laughing with good humor and curling up in their blankets. They were facing him this time, face peeking out from within the veritable nest. 

Caleb couldn’t sleep immediately, still vibrating with all the excitement of the day. He’d stashed the new spellbook at the bottom of all of his things, safe and well hidden and out of reach so he wouldn’t try and break it out tonight. But he kept thinking about it, remembering the warmth of new magic against his hands. 

Sometime well after Mollymauk’s breathing had deepened and evened out, the light brightened in the space. The moon must have come out from behind a cloud- it was almost full in the sky, from what Caleb had seen of it. The light washed through the little window in the top of the tent, pouring over Mollymauk in a silvery sheen. 

Breath catching in his throat, Caleb was grateful for his near-perfect memory- this was an image he couldn’t describe in words, but he knew he would have it burned into his thoughts, how Mollymauk seemed to glow with moonlight, if only for a moment before another cloud dulled the light.

“Your life is worth something- I don’t know why you think it isn’t, Mollymauk Tealeaf. But it is certainly worth something.”

  
  



	15. melt your headaches, call it home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow, everything feels different and the same, all at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if chapters are weird and sparse, it's a busy season for me!

Mollymauk seemed to have a particular talent for letting shadows slip off of them like rainwater. The next morning passed as every morning prior had, the tiefling waking up well after the sun, tossing their nightgown aside to get dressed and put the collection of charms and chains in their horns and ears. If the conversation of the previous night, the admission of just how little stock Mollymauk held in their own life, had any weight, they didn’t show it, flashing Caleb their trademark toothy grin and asking him for a hand in tying their hair back.

It was almost enough to make his heart sink, to think that even after baring themself like that, Mollymauk’s mannerisms didn’t change. 

But Caleb’s relief over Mollymauk not freezing him out won over his petty desire, his longing to mean more to Mollymauk, unfounded and confusing. There was nothing to be gained from being closer to them- Mollymauk would give a stranger the shift off their back, and had basically done as much for Caleb. But despite knowing that, Caleb wanted to be closer- wanted to know what the guarded smiles meant, what the melancholy that coated last night’s smile was all about.

Caleb wanted to know what Mollymauk Tealeaf could possibly have to hide, what pain a person who went out of their way to make other people smile could be stifling. 

He always was good at puzzles- and everything he learnt about Mollymauk just revealed them to be more puzzling. And alluring- Caleb was not so out of touch with himself that he could deny how he felt about the tiefling. Just shove it aside as baseless- the chances of Mollymauk wanting anything to do with him were slim, and on that odd chance, he was in no place to be as good to them as they deserved.

Besides, Caleb already felt as if he’d trespassed on whatever arrangement Mollymauk had with Yasha, wherever she might be.

At least the book Mollymauk had given him gave Caleb some distraction from the confusing thoughts warring in his brain. He’d taken the tiefling’s advice, hopping up into one of the carts- following after Toya. He figured she would be the most likely to accept his presence, and he’d been pleased to find Gustav and Bo also seated within- two people he felt comfortable simply smiling and waving to before curling up in a corner with his books.

For the first five minutes or so, Toya had lingered near him, looking with wide eyes at the complicated glyphs and sigils of the spellbook, but once she realized that he wasn’t reading it aloud, merely copying the spells down, she lost interest and wandered over to lay down with her head in Bo’s lap, drifting off for a nap.

Consumed in the act of learning the new glyphs, one hand tracing somatic motions in the air while the other rapidly copied the spell instructions into his book, Caleb was only aware of the changing time and passing distance through the actions of others. A couple of spells into his work, Toya handed him a piece of bread and a bowl of lukewarm oats with honey, standing over him with her arms crossed.

“You need to eat. You’re too thin- Mollymauk says so!”

Holding the food, Caleb blinked up at her, confused and a little startled, “Oh- it’s almost two in the afternoon.  _ Ja,  _ I should eat. Thank you- where did you get this?”

“Orrna brought it for you a while ago. You didn’t hear her- you were writing a lot, drawing a big circle in your book.”

Embarrassed, Caleb set the bowl down, running a hand through his hair, “Ah. I will. I will apologize to her- that was very rude of me. Thank you again- I will eat.” 

Picking up the bowl again, Caleb looked down at the food, waiting for Toya to go back to her nap, or to telling half-stories, which he’d heard pieces of when he came back to the present between pages. But Toya’s shadow stayed over him, and Caleb looked up again, quizzically.

“ _ Was?  _ Is something the matter,  _ Mauschen?”  _

“You need to eat. I promised I’d make sure you ate. So I’m watching you until you eat.” 

A snort escaped Caleb, but he took a bite of bread, making a point to look up at her as he chewed over-vigorously and swallowed. “There. I am eating- I will eat, Miss Toya. I do not leave food uneaten, especially when it is a gift. It’s… wasteful.” 

_ “What a waste, you ungrateful brat.”  _

_ A searing pain across his back, the switch splitting skin and causing him to grit his teeth, grinding them. He knew better than to cry out- the more sound he made, the more lashes he would get.  _

_ “Everything you get here is a privilege, Bren. Food, rest, time spent with your compatriots. If you snub any of those gifts, we can always take them away.” _

Viscerally, Caleb shuddered and pulled himself out of the memory, his back still burning with the heat of the switch, the skin stinging with phantom pain as if it were new-split. He looked up at Toya through bleary eyes and saw her expression, filled with fear and worry. Desperate to comfort her and cover for himself all at once, Caleb forced a smile, taking another bite of soup.

“I didn’t realize how hungry I was. Stomach hurts a bit. It will take me a little while, but I will eat. I promise.”

She didn’t look entirely convinced, but Toya was a girl raised by circus performers- even at her age, she understood when someone had a secret they didn’t want to share. She leant over, pressing a kiss to the top of his head and smiled, a little mischievous, “You better. Or Mollymauk will be  _ sad  _ and you’ll have to see them  _ sad.”  _

“Why would Molly be sad, Miss Toya?”

The look she gave him was so scathing Caleb could practically feel it, eyes rolling harshly, “Because Molly likes you. That’s why they made me check on you. Are you sure you’re smart enough to be a wizard, Mister Widogast?”

So startled by the statement, Caleb had to laugh, coughing a bit on the bite of food in his mouth, “You know, that is a very good question, Toya. I will think about it. Maybe I am not- but I am smart enough to be your teacher. I hope you’re ready to read again tonight?”

That earned him another eye roll and she nodded as she headed to the exit of the cart, “Of course. I’m gonna be able to read your books soon. Then  _ I’ll  _ be the wizard.” And with that, she hopped off the gently moving cart, calling out to someone outside and pattering off, leaving Caleb to finish his food in silence, keeping the shadows at bay once again, scars twinging.

  
  


* * *

  
  


By the time they parked in a clearing for the evening, Caleb had three spells copied from the book Mollymauk bought him into his personal spellbook. There wasn’t much left to learn from the book, but having a handful of new spells was invaluable at this stage. Someday, maybe, he’d have enough under his belt again to stand on his own two feet.

Maybe he wouldn’t feel like such a waste of space if he could only get back a sliver of his former knowledge. 

Caleb packed the spellbooks away gently in his pack, covering them in his newly washed clothes to keep them hidden. Even here, he couldn’t bring himself to be certain that the spellbooks were safe- there was always a chance that someone would find them and use them. Or find him through them and send him back. 

Being cautious had kept the Empire’s attention off him thus far, and he intended to keep it that way- as best he could when travelling with a circus. But perhaps being the least ostentatious person in a world of color would work in his favor in that case. 

That finished, Caleb grabbed the reading books for Toya and headed out to where everyone was gathering in the center of camp. Bo waved to him with a smile, gesturing to the little wooden table where Mollymauk and Toya were sitting, the tiefling laying cards out on the table and letting her point them out to be flipped over. 

Caleb approached with a smile, lingering a ways away to try and get a gist of what game they were playing. Rather than a standard deck of cards, Mollymauk was using their tarot cards, the filigreed backs glinting in the fading sun. For every card she flipped over, Mollymauk spoke, spinning some sort of elaborate explanation of what it meant that she’d picked that card. 

Not a proper fortune telling, but enough to keep her occupied, surely.

Leaning over to get a better look at the cards, Caleb’s foot slipped and he nearly dropped the books, stumbling to catch them. The motion drew the attention of both Molly and Toya, both of them looking up at him. Toya laughed, hiding her mouth behind her hands in an ineffective attempt to stifle her giggles.

“Oh, well, good evening, Mister Caleb. Trying to get a peek at Toya’s fortune? You could always let me read  _ yours,  _ you know,” Mollymauk wagged their eyebrows a bit, winking and returning all of the cards to the deck.

Embarrassed, Caleb set the books down on the corner of the table, picking at the bandages wrapped around his wrists, “Ah- no- I. I was not spying or anything of the sort. I was trying to see what game you were playing- but I see it was not a game. Were you-ah- doing a normal reading?” 

“No- we have our own style of reading. In a normal reading,  _ I  _ pick the cards, but I let Toya pick her own. Someday I’ll teach her what all the cards mean, and she can take my deck and I won’t have any work to do around here anymore.”

“And then you’ll just be old!”

“And then I’ll just be old, you’re right,” Mollymauk snorted, reshuffling their cards a few times before sliding over on the bench, patting a spot beside them, “C’mon, Mister Caleb, take a seat. I’ll read your fortune after if you like, but right now reading is more important than what the cards have to say.” 

Caleb paused for a moment, biting his lip before sitting down next to Mollymauk, a little crowded on the bench. This close, it was almost palpable how warm the tiefling was- heat radiated off them in waves, and Caleb had to resist the urge to lean into them and take some of that heat in. Instead, he sat up straighter, opening the books and beginning the lesson. 

Through the whole lesson, Mollymauk flipped through the cards, occasionally pulling a card and looking at it, humming thoughtfully, and returning it to the deck. Caleb did his best not to let the act distract him, but soon enough Toya was moving forward through the book fast enough to keep his attention. He was genuinely proud of her- she was picking up on all of it very quickly. 

Orrna brought them bowls of stew partway through, sitting down to watch a bit of the lesson before wandering back over to some other part of the camp. Caleb brushed the bowl aside, much more eager to teach Toya the intricacies of some of the more complex sentences, explaining the dual-vowel sounds, when a cough sounded beside him.

Looking up, he met Mollymauk’s eyes, the tiefling giving him a skeptical look.

“ _ Was?  _ Is something the matter, Mollymauk?”

“Your stew is getting cold. You should eat it.” 

“I- I will eat in a bit, Mollymauk, we’re in the middle of a lesson.” 

“Nah, we can be done- I’m partway through this book. We can stop for tonight, Mister Widogast- it’s important that you eat. I had to make you eat lunch!” 

Caleb looked over at Toya, who was giving him a very smug smile, that only got wider when she met his eyes. Toya got up, grabbing her bowl and Mollymauk’s, taking them with her as she called over her shoulder.

“Now the cards won’t tell you to eat when you ask them what to do!”

Left feeling a little lost, Caleb stared after her for a moment before pulling the soup over to him, eating it in slow spoonfuls. Seemingly appeased, Mollymauk went back to their cards, shuffling and reshuffling them. They were pulling cards out less often now- just shuffling the cards for something to do with their hands, it seemed.

“Ah- you. Do not have to worry about me eating, Mollymauk. I will always eat eventually- sometimes I just get distracted.”

Pausing in their shuffling, they turned to him with a smile, shrugging their shoulders, “If I remind you, you’ll be less distracted and less likely to eat sad, cold food. Also, you’re bones- I have a right to worry, I think.” 

The only response Caleb gave was a noncommittal hum, continuing to eat the stew. It was nice to have it still be warm, filling him and helping to chase the chill out of the tips of his fingers and toes.

Silence fell between them as Mollymauk went back to shuffling and Caleb continued eating, soaking up the broth which a piece of bread and finishing it off. He got up to wash his plate, coming back to find Mollymauk with their cards splayed out again, looking up at him with a playful grin, tail twitching.

“What’d’ya say, Mister Caleb? Interested in having your fortune read- you never know what the cards might have to say?” 

“I-. I am pretty sure I know what they would say, actually. And I don’t think I need to hear it again- I have heard my fate enough.”

The mischief in Mollymauk’s expression faded, replaced by a curious sort of sadness, and they returned the cards to a deck, cutting and reshuffling it one more time before slipping one out, holding it in their fingers.

“Just the message they had for you earlier, then- figure I’d better deliver it, or it’ll keep biting at our toes,” They flipped the card, dexterously showing off the filigree and art as they turned it around to face him. 

Caleb looked at the art, unsure what the card was meant to depict- and even more unsure of what it could possibly mean. Curiosity piqued, he sat back down across from Mollymauk and sighed, shrugging.

“ _ Ja,  _ fine. I’ll bite. What does it mean?”

“The four of wands- it means welcome home.” Their smile was warm, something in their eyes making Caleb’s breath catch in his throat. And when they put their cards away and got up to patrol the perimeter of the camp, Caleb was left sitting there, puzzling over Mollymauk’s words and the look that went with it.

_ Welcome home. _


	16. the higher never come down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb gets a glimpse of the knife's edge that Mollymauk is living on, and a friend returns from her travels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first scene of this chapter contains depictions of drug use and substance abuse, as well as a flashback to Caleb's time in the asylum, featuring a person who has been scarred by substance abuse. If any of these topics trigger you, message me here or on tumblr (ilananight.tumblr.com) or twitter (@ilananight13) for a censored version of the chapter!

It was late when Mollymauk returned to the tent- a late enough hour that Caleb probably should have been asleep, but he was working on a spell, and he’d been ignoring the itching at the corners of his eyes. And truthfully, he’d been waiting for the tiefling to come home- the last time Mollymauk hadn’t wandered back, they’d been in trouble, after all.

Mollymauk stumbled into the tent, eyes glowing a little eerily in the lantern light. They lacked a bit of their usual grace, seeming surprised to see Caleb awake.

“Ah- do you know how late it is, Mister Caleb? Sleep is very important, you know,” Mollymauk tossed their coat off onto their trunk, sitting crosslegged in their nest of blankets. The skin showing through the open neck of Mollymauk’s shirt glistened with a light sheen, a thin layer of sweat covering their skin.

They looked sick- and the glint in their eye and hollow quality with which they went through the motions of getting ready for bed didn’t disprove that thought. 

Clearing his throat, Caleb placed a ribbon in the book, marking his place, “I was wondering if you got lost in the woods- and this book is very fascinating. It’s easy to forget how late it is when I’m reading a good book.”

“Well. Thank you for worrying- but I’m fine. Some nights I just need to go for a walk, let off some steam. Lose myself for a while. Nothing wrong with that- maybe should have told you though, didn’t occur to me,” Mollymauk trailed off a bit, hands reaching for their cards and beginning to shuffle through them without looking at them.

There was something very off about all of this- something distant about Mollymauk, who was usually so loud and present. It made Caleb’s skin crawl, and the worry pooling in his stomach was stoked rather than abated. 

Setting his book off to the side, Caleb slowly leant over, placing a bandage-wrapped hand over Mollymauk’s forehead. The tiefling froze under the touch, but Caleb was much more concerned with how hot they were running- Mollymauk was always warm, but touching their forehead felt like burning. 

“Mollymauk- are you sick? There is no cleric here but- someone could help? Tea, maybe? Some kind of tincture?” 

A little giggle came in response to the question and Mollymauk leaned over, lightly settling their face in his shoulder. Caleb stiffened, unsure of what to do, just feeling the heat pouring off of Mollymauk in waves. Breathing in, he caught the usual sandalwood incense smell he associated with the tiefling, with something sickly-sweet underlying, like burning sugar. 

“Oh, I’m not  _ sick  _ Mister Caleb. Like I said. I needed to forget myself for a while- and I’ve got a tried and true method for that,” Mollymauk gestured vaguely to their coat, sitting back up and brushing their hair back from their face, the curls wild around their horns. “You can see for yourself- it’s not a secret. Second inside pocket on the right.”

It said something for how ingrained Mollymauk’s intricate storage system was that they could tell him that with such clarity when they seemed to be on a different plane. But Caleb reached over nonetheless, grabbing the coat and reaching into the pocket. There, he found three vials, one empty, of a white crystalline material. Opening the empty one, he wafted a bit to his mouth, catching a strong wiff of that same cloying sweet smell that lingered on Mollymauk’s skin.

“You’re high?” 

Mollymauk broke down into laughter at that, falling over and laying across the nest of blankets, head just barely resting on Caleb’s knee. The tiefling rolled a bit so they could look up at him, an amused expression on their face, though still lax. 

“Clearly. Never seen someone lit up before, Caleb? Don’t teach you that in wizard school?” 

“Of course I have seen people get high before, Mollymauk. I just. Was surprised. And I don’t know every drug- don’t know this one.” 

Their hand traced an idle pattern through the air, waving it off, “That’s just my current fix. I don’t have a single poison- I go with whatever’s available. This was cheap back in town, so I bought a lot. Works great- feels like I’m flying.”

“....What is it, exactly?” 

The shrug that came in response was almost upsetting, so nonchalant and uncaring, “Don’t know. Just know that it works.” 

Ice water rushed down Caleb’s spine, a memory in the back of his head. One of the other inmates at the asylum he’d spent so long in, a young woman curled up in a corner, waifish and shaking, hair dull and nails always broken. Blank eyes that stared at him from hollow cheeks, like a person emptied out. 

_ Some people turn to medicines and potions to quiet their heads- and eventually, everything goes too quiet.  _

“Mollymauk… it’s dangerous. If you don’t know what it is, what if it’s secretly a poison? What if it’s hurting you?” 

With visible effort, Mollymauk sat up, swaying for a moment before steadying themself and looking Caleb in the eye, albeit without their usual sharp focus. They reached out, cupping his face in their hand, a smile tugging at the corners of their lips. 

“I’m fine. I’ve been doing this for a long time, Caleb. And I’ve had some bad shite- I can tell now when it’s bad. This? This is just a good time- and the tail end. I’ll sleep it off.” 

“I- Mollymauk- just. Be careful. With these sorts of things- it can get scary fast.” 

“I’ve made it this far, Caleb. I’ll be fine,” They patted his cheek lightly, leaning in and pressing a searing hot kiss to his forehead. This close, the burnt sugar smell was almost overwhelming, but Caleb’s mouth went dry all the same, a different heat coloring his cheeks. “Just sleep- once the moon is down all of this will be a dream.”

Pulling away, Mollymauk tossed their shirt off before curling up in one of their many blankets, waving a hand in Caleb’s direction in lieu of a goodnight. 

Caleb sat and watched Mollymauk for a long while, until the sky began to lighten outside of the tent. Mostly, he watched because he was worried- because he had seen people fall asleep on something or other and not wake up the next morning. And because something told him that this lax, distracted, fire-hot Mollymauk was a dangerous one- not to others, but to themself. 

But eventually, sleep overcame him and he laid down and fell asleep in amidst the furs, sending Frumpkin over to sleep beside Mollymauk’s head in case anything happened.

* * *

  
  


The only seeming consequence to whatever binge Mollymauk had been on the night prior was that the tiefling woke even later than usual, a deeper purple under and around their eyes. They were quick to cover that up, though, painting their face with even finer makeup than usual, shining purple lipstick and red eyeshadow with a bright gold liner. 

Running a comb through his own hair and just trying to make a presentable face for traveling, Caleb cleared his throat, looking over at them, “How are you feeling, Molly?” 

Mollymauk turned to them with a bright smile, their eyes back to that sharp focus that kept Caleb grounded. They were in the middle of sliding a ring through one of the piercings on their ear and they hummed, “Fantastic. Bit of a headache, but that’ll pass with water- always does. But thanks for asking.” 

“ _ Ja,  _ well. I am… happy. That you are well.” 

“Told you I’d be fine, Mister Caleb. I know my own limits,” Mollymauk winked, finishing with their jewelry and shrugging into their coat, “Don’t worry about me too much. I’ve got my vices, but I’ve also got a pretty good self-preservation instinct. Besides, the family’s counting on me.”

“I will still worry, Mollymauk. Next time- don’t do it alone? I will sit with you- it’s better to do that sort of thing with people, no?” 

Getting up, Mollymauk stood beside Caleb and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, leaning in and laughing in his ear, “Oh,  _ well,  _ if you wanted to join me, all you had to do was ask, love. I’m always open to pleasant company.”

A shiver slid down Caleb’s spine, fire following it down, and he was sure from this close, Mollymauk could feel his ears burning. Trying to calm himself, he took a deep breath, closing his eyes, and his body naturally leant into Mollymauk- the burnt sugar smell was gone and just inhaling that spiced incense felt like coming home. 

But all too soon, a voice called for Mollymauk from outside, and the tiefling pulled away. Stopping at the mouth of the tent, they flashed Caleb one last smile where he was sitting, a little starstruck on the ground, “If you’re sitting in one of the carts again today, I’ll drop in on you. Can’t always have Toya making sure you’re eating- it’s my job to keep you healthy.”

“I eat. You all think I don’t eat- I do. But,  _ ja,  _ I think I will ride in the cart again. I am almost done copying down on these spells- the book you bought me was very helpful, Molly. Thank you again.”

“Don’t mention it- I got my thanks out of it when you saw it.”

Blinking in confusion, Caleb flushed a bit again, not entirely sure what Mollymauk meant by that, but stunned by their smile all the same. But then they were gone, calling out to whomever was waiting outside, and Caleb had a moment to gather his thoughts and himself up, pulling his coat on. His hand caught a bit on the way into the arm, and he looked in surprise at the mended hole, a slightly different square of fabric patched into the elbow.

Mollymauk must have patched it up sometime when he wasn’t paying attention. A little unnerving, really, considering that Caleb only really took the coat off to sleep, but kind. And the handiwork was fantastic- the stitching so tight it was nearly seamless with the rest of the fabric. 

Exiting the tent, Caleb headed towards the carts to do his usual job of helping arrange all of the gear in as little space as possible. However, a hand on his shoulder stopped him, turning him around. 

Instinctively, his hand went to the book holstered by his side, but when he looked up, he was simply met with Yasha’s gentle smile, the tall woman having appeared seemingly from nowhere. He hadn’t heard she was back- Mollymauk would have mentioned it, surely? 

“Yasha? You-  _ hallo,  _ did you just get back? Are you looking for Mollymauk?”

“No- I made a point to see them first, on their way to help Gustav. They said you might need a hand putting things onto the carts- and that’s my job anyhow.” As if to prove her point, she hefted up her sword, resettling it into the sheath at her back. 

“Oh.  _ Ja. Wunderbar-  _ you will help us move things much faster, yes. Thank you.” Caleb’s thoughts were racing, a mix of fear and guilt and uncertainty curling in his stomach.

Did Yasha know what Mollymauk had done in the city? Was she upset with them for it? Was she upset with  _ Caleb  _ about it? Was she mad he’d moved into her space? Would they ask him to leave, now that she was back- Ornna mentioned that Molly disliked waking alone, but now they wouldn’t be alone anymore. 

“Caleb? Caleb, can you hear me?” A hand waved in front of his face, Yasha leaning down to look him in the eyes, and he started, jumping back.

“ _ Ja. Ja. Verzeihung.  _ I was thinking, is all. What did you say?”

“I was thanking you- for taking care of Mollymauk. They told me you helped them out of a couple of very tight spots while I was away- I really appreciate it.” Her smile was genuine, warm, still smile but a little wider than any he’d seen before.

Taking a breath, Caleb smiled back, nodding, “Of course. I owed them my life, after all. And… I happened to be in the right place to help them. Everyone tells me you usually fight by Mollymauk’s side- I cannot hope to fill that gap, but I can do some things, with my book and my spells.” 

“We make a pair, yes. We’ve been working together for a very long time. Hopefully, you will not have to see us fight anytime soon- but it’s a good show, Molly says. But then, everything they do is a show- I just like to get the work done.” 

Caleb chuckled softly, “Yes- everything Molly ever does is a show. But that’s the way they like it, I think. I- uh. Did they tell you about the city as well?”

It was Yasha’s turn to laugh, and something tightened in Caleb’s stomach before she flashed another smile, nodding, “They did indeed. Molly has a singular talent for getting into trouble- and finding odd ways out of it. I’m glad it worked- and I hope you weren’t too offended by it?”

“I- no. Why would I be- I suppose it was shocking but. Not offensive. I- actually was worrying that you would be. Offended, that is?” 

Cursing his sudden loss of words, Caleb picked at the bandages around his wrists, avoiding looking up at Yasha until she snorted, covering her mouth and giggling, drawing his attention back.

“Why would I be offended? It’s not as if I’ve got bets on who Mollymauk is kissing- that’s Bo and Ornna’s game.” 

Confusion roiled in Caleb’s head and he coughed, shaking his head, “But- you’re. Aren’t you and Mollymauk. Uh. Involved- personally?” 

That laugh sounded again, quiet and hidden behind her hand, and Yasha was shaking her head, smiling with her eyes, “ _ Involved?  _ Not in any way like that. Mollymauk and I are close- closer than most people. But it is more like siblings- I’m not interested in them in that way.” 

Caleb was suddenly embarrassed, a different sort of anxiety curling in his stomach now. How intrusive of him, to make that assumption- now Yasha would be uncomfortable, possibly, and Mollymauk too, and they would both think he was some kind of voyeur and-

“Caleb. You’re doing it again. Thinking too much.”

Shaken from his spiral, Caleb looked up at her and laughed nervously, the sound empty, “Sorry- I got very little sleep. My brain gets caught up. I- I was scared you would be mad. So I am a little… on edge.”

“Well, you have nothing to fear. You can kiss Mollymauk all you like- I’m not my sibling’s keeper. Just don’t go breaking their heart, or I will have to have some words with you.” Yasha smiled again, but this time there was an edge behind it, her threat clearly genuine.

Hands going up, Caleb shook his head rapidly, “No- I. I wasn’t. I didn’t plan on. Anything like that. Kissing them or being with them or. Hurting them in any way like that. I don’t think there’s. Anything happening there.” 

Yasha regarded him for a moment, eyebrow raised, and then shrugged, lifting a box and setting it in the cart, “Whatever you say. It’s none of my business, either way. But Mollymauk chose the path they did to get you out of town- they could have taken another route. I think that’s worthy of some thought- and you wizards love thinking about things, don’t you?”

The mischief in her expression only added to the embarrassment crushing Caleb’s chest, and he looked down at the boxes, simply pointing out which one she should stack next and keeping his mouth shut, not wanting to say anything else.

But all the while, he turned her words over in his head- the insinuations, the insight that Yasha would have into Mollymauk’s confusing process, and the confounding notion that kissing him had been an intentional choice. 

Surely being attracted to him was too dangerous even for the tiefling, already burning out like a candle from two ends.


	17. trembling hands play my heart like a drum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some stresses come with rearranging their lives again- of a good and bad kind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey folx! sorry this chapter took so long, this time of year is really busy/stressful for me! i hope you enjoy and i hope you're having a good holiday season.
> 
> CW: this chapter contains depiction of a panic attack and the aftermath of one. If this material is triggering to you, DM me and I can send you a censored version of the chapter!

Caleb was quick to hop into one of the carts when the circus started off again- half to get away from Yasha’s teasing glances and comments and half to finish copying down the rest of the spells in the book Mollymauk had bought him. If he really focused, he guessed he could have it done by sundown, all of the spells added to his own spellbook and committed to memory. 

It would be almost double what he’d had previously. A vast improvement- even if he was nowhere near the skill and prowess he once held.

Nose buried in the new spellbook, quill scratching over his own, Caleb was deaf to the world around him as the cart jostled along. Some of the elements of the spells felt familiar to him, the words sliding over his tongue and the glyphs warming under his fingers like old friends- bits of old knowledge that he couldn’t quite grasp, but that felt comforting all the same. 

“Afternoon, Frumpkin- mind if I take a seat? You can hop on my lap if you like,” The cat hopping down from his place at Caleb’s side shook him from his reading, right at the end of a paragraph, and he looked up, brushing a lock of hair back from his face.

There, backlit by the sun through the flaps of the cart, was Mollymauk, who leant down to pet Frumpkin before folding themself into the newly-unoccupied space beside him. Mollymauk was, of course, a deal larger than Frumpkin, and thus the tiefling was less sitting beside him and more sitting against him, warm and very present. 

“I see I don’t have to poke you about lunch today- thanks for that.” A laugh escaped their lips as they gestured to Caleb’s bowl and plate, cleared and moved off to the side, a simple Prestidigitation enough to clean them. 

“Hello to you too, Mollymauk,” Rolling his eyes, Caleb marked his page and looked over at Mollymauk, “You don’t have to. I am bad at sleep, but fine at eating. And the stews Orrna makes are much better fare than I’ve gotten used to.” 

“She’s a good cook, you’re right. We’re pretty spoiled, if I’m being honest,” Mollymauk flashed him a smile, resting their head in the palm of their hand, “But I’m  _ sorry  _ for greeting you so rudely. How’s your magic book going, Mister Caleb?” 

“Good. I am almost finished- one more spell and I will have them all copied. And then.. You can have this back, or you can sell it in town, or-”

“Do whatever you want with it, Caleb. It’s yours- a gift. I don’t need it back, and I wouldn’t have anything to do with it. Except maybe tear pages out to make paper art,” Caleb visibly winced at the idea, and Mollymauk’s smirk told him that perhaps that was their intended result, “But if you wanna sell it? Go ahead- it won’t bug me. As long as you got what you needed out of it.” 

Holding up his own spellbook, Caleb gave Mollymauk a small smile, nodding, “ _ Ja.  _ All of the spells are in here now. So if I need them, I can just use my own book.” 

“Huh. What happens if you run out of pages in that book? Can you have more than one?” 

“Well,  _ ja,  _ I could. I have two holsters, so I can carry two books. Any more than that and it gets very difficult- but for a lot of the spells, the copying is just to help memorize. Only some of them really need me to look at the book. And if I get too many of those, I just have to choose which ones I really need, and leave the others behind. You only have two swords, even though you could probably carry more, no?” 

Mollymauk snorted, nodding, “Fair, fair. I could carry more, but I specialize in using just two. And Yasha only uses one- though her single sword is larger than me and mine combined.”

“Yasha’s sword terrifies me a little bit. But I am sure she is capable of wielding it- even if I cannot even hope to lift it.” 

The tiefling looked over at him with an eyebrow raised, crossing their arms, “C’mon. You could pick it up, at least. I can pick it up- just not use it safely. It only weighs as much as the average twelve year old.” 

Caleb chuckled, shrugging his shoulders and holding out an arm. His hand shook, no longer steadied by the pen he was holding. The bandages were coming loose- he would need to fix those later- but more importantly, his wrists were thin, fingers spindly, and the effort of holding his wrist straight up was evident.

“I’m not very strong- and that is the understatement of the year, I think.” 

Mollymauk’s hand reached out to grab his, steadying it and letting it rest in their palm, no longer strained. A little smile curled up the edges of Mollymauk’s lips as they held out their other hand, an almost-imperceptible shake running through it. “Too many slices too close to important things- my hands almost always shake if I’m not holding something. But I find that holding onto something helps.”

As if to emphasize their point, they squeezed Caleb’s hand, which had, notably, stopped shaking quite so noticeably, mostly because Mollymauk was supporting its weight and keeping it straight. Caleb curled and uncurled his fingers, brushing them against Mollymauk but not doing anything more than that, just letting his hand rest in the tiefling’s.

“I- ah. My hands don’t. Shake as much while I’m writing so. Perhaps you are right about- about holding things.” 

Caleb cursed himself for how many false stars it took him to form that sentence, flush burning at the tips of his ears, surely the same color as his hair by now. But in the end, he got it out, giving Mollymauk a small smile. 

“Well, if you ever need to hold something that isn’t a pen- just ask. I’ve got a spare hand, and a lot of things to fidget with. Can’t sit still.” Mollymauk tossed a wink to follow the first offer, but then made the second with a more genuine tone- or as genuine as Mollymauk could get. Caleb still couldn’t quite read when the tiefling was being open or closed- they seemed open all the time. 

“ _ Danke.  _ I will remember that- thank you, Mollymauk,” Suddenly desperate to change the conversation topic and avoid any more potential embarrassment, Caleb cleared his throat and pulled his hand out of Mollymauk’s loose grip, opening his book again, “Did you just come to make sure I ate and harass me about my books?”

“Firstly, I  _ told you  _ I’d come sit with you today. Second, we were passing a contingent of Crown’s Guard, and those of us who are a little more.. Flashy, let’s say, tend to duck indoors when that happens. Easier for Gustav to just talk us through it, with an imposing smile or two from Yash. So I figured, two birds one stone- get myself out of view and come check on my favorite wizard.”

“I am the only wizard you know, Mollymauk.”

“How do you know that? You’ve never asked me about other wizard friends I might have,” Mollymauk smirked with an air of smugness, their tail flicking from side to side in a manner Caleb was beginning to recognize as teasing, asking Caleb to challenge them.

Turning to a new page in his book, Caleb hummed dismissively, “Someone telling you they are a wizard in the bedroom does not count, Molly.” 

There was a moment of silence, and Caleb thought perhaps that he might have actually offended the tiefling. Before he could say anything, though, a raucous laugh burst out from beside him. Mollymauk was laughing so aggressively that they were actually shaking, one hand over their stomach and the other clutching onto the bench of the cart. They leant heavily on his shoulder, still laughing, the vibrations echoing against Caleb’s bones. Mollymauk’s horn lightly bumped against his shoulder, all of the charms jingling to add to the noise. 

“Oh, you are a  _ treasure,  _ Mister Caleb. Joke like that too often and you’ll be the death of me- and I wouldn’t even complain.” 

It took another few minutes for Mollymauk’s laughter to properly die down, coming in waves of giggles and time spent covering their mouth. And all the while, the tiefling stayed leant up against his shoulder, warm and solid and enveloping him in that spice-and-flowers scent that drifted from the tiefling’s skin like a mist. 

Caleb’s eyes slipped closed for a moment, letting the moment wash over him and savoring every detail. His perfect memory was a curse more often than not, but maybe this would be something nice to revisit, the warmth in his chest and the gentle ringing of Mollymauk’s jewelry. 

Eventually, though, the laughter subsided and Mollymauk sat up, wiping at their eyes with the back of their hand- as if wiping at tears, but their makeup appeared unmarred. Flashing him a smile full of teeth, Mollymauk winked, “Guess you got me- you’re the only wizard I know. But that doesn’t make you any less my favorite.”

Caleb couldn’t find the words to respond to that, turning the words over in his head over and over to try and put a reasoning to them. But, thankfully and yet somehow disappointingly, he didn’t have to formulate an answer.

“Molly- could you come out and drive for a minute. Toya’s not feeling well, and I’m gonna go sit with her,” Orrna’s voice preceded the genasi sticking her head in, looking over the two of them for a moment before focusing on Mollymauk. 

The tiefling rose gracefully, bowing with a smile, “It would be my pleasure- and besides, I’m sure Caleb wants to get back to his book that I’ve so selfishly been keeping him away from. Give Toya a kiss for me, would ya?” 

“Of course, Molly. And a piece of candy too?”

“Naturally.” 

At the front of the cart, Mollymauk turned to flash him one of those warm, genuine smiles- the ones that felt like they could stop his heart if he looked at them too closely, “See you when we’re stopped, Mister Caleb. Don’t make too many more of those jokes without me- I’d hate to miss them.”

“Ja, well. I will try not to- but Frumpkin is a very good audience.” 

The cat had already hopped back up, curling up with a contented purr on the warm spot Mollymauk had left behind on the bench. Molly’s eyes slid over to the cat and their expression softened a bit- not unlike the face Caleb had seen them make when Toya was falling asleep at the table. 

“I can accept that- maybe he’ll tell me your jokes later.” 

And with that, the tiefling was ducking out, whistling to themself- a tune that Caleb only caught the opening bars of before Mollymauk was out of earshot, but one he could have sworn he knew. He must have heard it somewhere before.

* * *

  
  


While it had taken Caleb a good half an hour to focus back on his books enough to continue his work, he did manage to finish just as the carts pulled to a stop to set up camp. All of the spells were neatly transferred into his spellbook, which felt heavier in his hand even though it held the same number of pages- just laden with more knowledge now. He wrapped the book from Mollymauk in a cloth and put it in the bottom of his bag- he would see if he could get a decent price for it in the next town they stopped at.

Maybe enough to get another spellbook, or a book with some new information. Something to fill the voids in his head. 

Or maybe enough to just pick something up. 

Setting up camp was as much a whirlwind as it had been for the past couple of weeks- Caleb wasn’t sure he would ever really get used to how efficient and haphazard the circus could be at once. By all accounts, the camp should have been a mess of poorly placed tents and clotheslines, but every time they wound up in a neat, spoked wheel formation with the fire in the middle. 

And it went even faster with Yasha back- the tall woman could put up the posts of a tent on her own. It was impressive, to say the least. And Caleb could tell he wasn’t the only one watching her do it- some with much more unabridled admiration. 

For someone who seemed so keen to tease him about Mollymauk, Yasha seemed entirely unaware of the attention she garnered. But it was none of his business- he didn’t know any of these people well enough to make a comment on it. 

A whistle had Caleb turning his head, catching sight of Mollymauk waving a hand, beckoning him over. Shouldering his pack, he shuffled over, falling into step beside the tiefling who was already leading him down one of the spokes.

“We had to do some sleeping rearrangements- didn’t want you accidentally putting your stuff in the wrong tent.” 

Something in Caleb’s chest dropped, and he couldn’t stop himself from picking at the bandages on his hands, stopping and nodding. He spoke with conviction, even as panic caused his heart to race at top speed, breaths coming short and quick, “Oh. Yes. Of course. Yasha is back so- I’ll be staying somewhere else,  _ ja?  _ With who, if you don’t mind- it’s okay, whoever it is, I will get used to it, I just-”

Mollymauk’s hands came to rest on his shoulders, the tiefling up on their tip-toes to look him in the eye, or as close to in the eye as Mollymauk could manage. Which was, admittedly, easier considering Caleb was slouched down, curling in on himself. 

“Hey- you’re not moving out of our tent. Unless you want to, in which case, you can stay with whoever you want- up to you. But we just picked a bigger one, so all three of us could fit comfortably. That’s all.” 

The release of tension had Caleb taking a deep breath, the sudden rush of oxygen and relaxation of his muscles enough to have him seeing stars, stumbling for a second as he lost his footing. But Mollymauk was quick to catch him, holding him up until his head stopped spinning. And when Caleb refocused, back in his body, the tiefling was talking softly, a constant stream of words.

“You’re here, Mister Caleb. I’ve got you- you can come back. That’s it, back to me. We’re here. Everything’s alright. You’re alright.” 

Taking a deep breath, Caleb pulled back a bit and nodded, running his hands through his hair and finally resettling. “Sorry. I’m usually… better about controlling those.”

“No- I’m sorry. Shouldn’t have sprung it on you like that. And I could have phrased it better- Yash and I would never kick you out, Caleb. You’re one of us.” 

“I- thank you, Molly. That… does mean a lot. I think I need to sit down, right now, though.” 

Smiling, Mollymauk slipped an arm around his back, half-carrying him as they walked the rest of the way down the spoke to a tent that was a bit bigger than the one they’d been staying in previously. Opening the tent, Mollymauk helped Caleb settle onto a bedroll, wrapping him in one of their many blankets. 

While Molly and Yasha had decorated their tent with one side for each- and Caleb had done his best to recreate Yasha’s half of the tent every time they stopped- it seemed Mollymauk had decided they’d rather be in the middle than up against the back wall of the tent. Their blankets and tapestries were arranged into something of a nest between Yasha’s furrs and the bedroll Caleb was seated on, which was supplemented with a couple of blankets.

More things that were being gifted to him, it seemed. 

Caleb calmed down by degrees, acclimating to the new space. And he was grateful for Mollymauk’s gentler-than-usual presence, the tiefling just humming to themself as they arranged blankets, and then began flipping tarot cards over once they were appeased with their nest. 

“Molly?” The tiefling looked up at Caleb when he spoke, smiling quizzically, “Do you think Toya would mind having her lesson in here tonight? I don’t really feel up for getting up again. I’m… tired, I think.” 

Unraveling themself, Molly shook their head, “Oh, don’t worry about that. She’s still not feeling well, I was gonna tell you over dinner that she wouldn’t be coming to read today. But as it is, I’ll just go and get you some food and bring it back, does that sound alright?”

“ _ Ja, bitte.  _ Thank you, Mollymauk. And… check on Toya?”

“As if I wouldn’t,” The tiefling rolled their eyes and smiled, leaving the tent with a flourish. 

When Mollymauk returned, it was with two bowls of soup, and Yasha following behind him carrying a third bowl and a plate with bread rolls on it. She offered him one before sitting, which he took with a little smile.

“You did not have to come eat with me- I’m just too tired to be out with people.”

“No one has to do anything, Mister Caleb. We’re here because we want to be- right Yash?” 

“I’m here to press my flowers. You’re here to keep Caleb company,” Yasha smirked, shoving at his shoulder before going back to taking flowers from her pocket, carefully pressing one into each page of her journal.

The ritual seemed deeply personal, and Caleb had to look away- he got the distinct feeling it wasn’t something he was meant to be a part of. Certainly not something he was close enough to Yasha to experience. And so he sat in relative silence, eating his food while Mollymauk filled him in on how Toya was doing, and other nonsensical pieces of circus gossip.

“Oh- we’ll be stopping tomorrow at a town for sure. It’s a town Gustav has friends in- and the Harvest Moon Festival is happening, so we’ll fit right in with the festivities.”

“Try not to get into trouble this time, Mollymauk. Even with two of us looking out for you, we’d like to enjoy the festival too, you know.” 

Mollymauk turned around, with an exaggeratedly hurt expression, hand over their heart, but it dissolved swiftly into a smirk that matched Yasha’s, “I won’t. I can keep myself clean just fine- I only get in trouble when people are already making trouble. And besides- I can get us out of trouble just as easily. Can’t I, Mister Caleb?” 

Coughing on a bite of soup, he wiped at the corner of his mouth, shrugging, “Well. Your methods are...effective. If a little-ah- unorthodox.”

“Everything about me is at least a little unorthodox, as a rule.” Mollymauk winked, seeming pleased with his answer, and went back to eating, talking animatedly about how much they loved festivals, and how they couldn’t wait to see what sorts of performances there would be in town.

It was easy background noise- both Caleb and Yasha falling silent and letting Mollymauk fill the air as they went through the motions of getting ready for bed. Yasha tossed one of Mollymauk’s many blankets over the tiefling, shoving them lightly.

“You keep too many of these- we’ll all overheat in the night.”

“Winter is coming, Yasha- and at the very least, Caleb will be cold. My blankets will come in handy- you don’t see  _ me  _ complaining about all of your furs. Just get some rest, love.” 

The tall woman rolled her eyes with a smile, settling down into the bed of furs. Mollymauk bent over, pressing a kiss to the top of her head before settling down themself, only half-covered by the blankets. 

“G’night Yash, g’night Mister Caleb. Big day tomorrow.” 

“Good night, Molly. Yasha.” 

“Mmm. Night.” Something about her response must have amused Mollymauk, because the tiefling snorted before rolling over and curling up a bit. 

As he reached out to close the shutters on the lantern and put out the light, Caleb took one last look at Mollymauk, taking in the picture of their tattooed and scarred back, bared to the mild chill of early fall. And as he laid down, wrapped in blankets that smelled like the tiefling, the last image burned into the backs of his eyelids was the eye staring up at him from the back of Mollymauk’s neck.


	18. tied up in pretty young things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even the most innocuous of things can spark a bad memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry again for how long this took, the holidays ate all my time. 
> 
> CW: this chapter contains a depiction of a flashback-induced hallucination and subsequent panic attack. if you would like a version with this scene edited out, drop me a message!

Caleb woke at precisely 4:37am the next morning. He never woke up slowly, never woke up with the sun, never drifted into consciousness. Every time Caleb woke up, he was forcibly thrown back into the world with enough force to have him gasping, like a man drowning and coming up for air. 

Eyes blinking in the dark of the room, Caleb slowly sat up, not wanting to wake Mollymauk or Yasha. From the sound of their breathing, the two of them were both deep in sleep. Caleb went to shift his legs, to sit crosslegged, but a loop of rope around his ankle stopped him.

Panic set in almost immediately at the tension around his ankle, and suddenly he was back in his cell at the sanitorium, back in one of the innumerable cells he’d been in and out of since getting out of that place. His breath was coming in short gasps, eyes wild, fire flickering at the tips of his fingers. 

He had to get out of here, he had to, he was trapped.

“Mister Caleb?” The voice was bleary, accent much heavier than usual, and suddenly the room was awash with the soft purple light of the lamp. Immediately, Caleb looked down at his leg, terrified, incapable of really comprehending what was happening.

And then, all of a sudden, all of the tension left him in a rush. Reflexively, uncontrollably, Caleb began to laugh, the sound rough and breathy. 

It wasn’t a rope, it wasn’t a shackle. The spade tip of Mollymauk’s tail was wrapped around his ankle, the same way he’d seen it wrap around Orrna’s or Bo’s or even little Toya’s whenever they were sitting together. 

Or at least, it had been. As soon as he began to laugh- and really, laughing was an odd term for it, as Caleb was also certain there were tears streaming down his face- but he wasn’t quite present enough in his head to notice- Mollymauk’s tail uncoiled, the tiefling sitting up in their pile of blankets with a worried expression on their face. Behind them, Yasha was stirring too, blinking at the light in the room. 

“Caleb? Can you hear me? Are you alright?” With each sentence, Mollymauk slowly moved closer, hand outstretched. 

When Mollymauk came properly into his field of view, Caleb realized how close they were and backed up, hyperventilating again. 

“No-no.  _ Nein.  _ Space. Need. Space.” Grabbing his coat, Caleb hurried out the door of the tent, standing out in the chill early morning air. He made his way to the edge of the circle of tents, flames still flickering around his fingertips, a very tenuous grasp on the world around him.

He almost lit Mollymauk and Yasha on fire, on an instinct. On a hallucination, really- a memory he couldn’t shake off. He was a second away from burning the tent to the ground, risking burning the whole place down. 

And all over Mollymauk’s tail- over something he knew, now, in the grey half-light of morning, that was a sign of trust and belonging. Especially for Mollymauk’s tail to be wrapped around him in their sleep- it meant a lot. And he was about to set the tiefling on fire for it. 

He didn’t belong here. He didn’t deserve to be here. He didn’t deserve to be so cared for and cared about. 

Caleb was suddenly aware of the weight of everything, and it was crushing his chest. He felt like he couldn’t get any air into his lungs, every breath he took stolen right out of his throat. Deep gasps, and yet he just felt more and more out of breath.    
  
Shadows danced across his vision, knees giving out. Before he was really aware of it, the ground was rushing up to meet him, and Caleb hit it with a grunt, curling in on himself. His hands clawed into the dirt, desperate for something, anything to hang on to as the fear and guilt and emptiness washed over him, compounded by the chill that was settling into his bones.

Fall was coming, and it had to be close to freezing. 

Still crying, still gasping for air, dirt under his fingernails and in the creases of his clothes, Caleb curled up even tighter on the ground, shivering and retching. The lights danced across his vision for a little longer, teeth clashing together with how hard he was chattering, and then the shadows began to creep more steadily from the edges, at the same rate that the cold numbness was creeping in from the tips of his fingers and toes. 

Panic attacks were so tiring… Caleb just needed some sleep. A rest here- that wouldn’t be too bad. It was just past five- he could sleep here a while. No one else would be up for at least an hour. Just a nap- just closing his eyes… 

The shadows were comforting against the fires behind his eyes. 

* * *

  
  


The first thing Caleb was aware of was yowling- loud, unrelenting yowling. It was right in his ear- or in his head, maybe. He felt like he was floating, like the sound was coming from everywhere and nowhere all at once. 

The next sensation that came to Caleb was visceral- he was sore. His knees ached, the palms of his hands stung, and there was a throbbing pain in his side. His hands and feet were cold, but they were wrapped in fabric- all of him was wrapped in fabric, really, some of it softer than others. 

Behind the yowling there were other sounds- voices, urgent and quiet. 

“Shh- shh- yes Frumpkin, yes. We’re fixing it, we’re helping- please shh, you are yelling.”

“Molly are you trying to reason with a cat?” 

“Yes- so he stops yelling so Caleb can rest. Poor bastard almost froze to death.” 

Blinking his eyes open, Caleb groaned. The shadows danced at the edges of his vision for a moment, the world around him bleary for the first few moments. Slowly, the tent he was in came into focus- he was lying on a cot of some sort, covered in blankets. There was a fire burning close to him- not close enough to scorch, but certainly warm. Mollymauk and Yasha were not far off, Mollymauk holding a wriggling Frumpkin- the source of the yowling. 

“ _ Schatze, Komm her, _ ” The voice that came from Caleb’s throat was weak, scratchy- and he winced at hearing it, hand coming out from the cocoon of blankets to reach for the cat. Frumpkin couldn’t be contained any longer, teleporting out of Mollymauk’s arms and reappearing directly next to Caleb, licking his face and kneading into his arm, “ _ Ja, ja. Ich liebe dich, Frumpkin. Gut Katze.”  _

Yasha and Mollymauk both turned to look at him, the taller woman touching Mollymauk’s shoulder before heading out of the tent, revealing the half-light outside. Mollymauk flashed him a relieved smile, looking far too excited about him- no one should ever look that excited just at seeing him.

“Oh- morning, Mister Caleb. Glad you’re up- here, soup. Gotta warm you up from the inside, too,” Mollymauk brought a bowl of soup over, steaming hot. The tiefling pulled up a stool, sitting beside him and spooning the soup up, offering it to him. 

“I- I can. I can do it, Molly,” Caleb reached out, intent on taking the bowl from Mollymauk. But his hands shook, tremors going down them, and Molly reached out, taking one of his hands in their own with a smile.

“It’s okay- you had a rough fall. Least I can do, considering how long it took me to come get you. Had to wait til Frumpkin came running, screaming bloody murder at us.” 

A little chuckle escaped Caleb, his hand coming up to pet the cat, who was curled up next to him and purring louder than a mill, “Saved me again, did you? You’re a good cat…” 

This time, when Mollymauk offered him a spoonful of soup, he took it, slowly swallowing and sighing at the warmth that followed it down. Nervous, suddenly feeling like everything was back to square one, Caleb smiled over at Mollymauk, “Ah- thank you. I… I appreciate it. Both this and- you coming after me.” 

“I should have gone after you sooner- you were hurting. If I hadn’t waited, you wouldn’t have passed out and half-froze out there,” Mollymauk gave him another sip of soup, a little frown on their face, “I know as much as anyone that wandering off alone after a bad dream is a bad idea. Sorry it took so long.” 

This was, without a doubt, the most serious he’d ever seen Mollymauk. Even during the few times he’d seen their guard down, that bubbly circus persona dropped for the more quiet nihilism of the evening, Caleb had never seen such sombre energy in their eyes. Mollymauk was watching him with unbridled concern, and guilt.

Caleb never wanted to see him looking like that again.

He made a move to sit up, wincing all the while, and then settled back against the pillows. His whole torso seemed sore- probably rocks on the ground wherever he’d fallen outside. And laid on for… 

A little under an hour? Assumably- it had been an hour and twenty-three minutes since he passed out, and he had to have been moved here long enough to warm back up and wake up. 

Sighing, Caleb looked back over at Mollymauk. It was difficult to smile- guilt was pooling in his stomach, along with the lingering tremors from his earlier episode- but he felt a need to reassure Mollymauk, a need to get the frown off of that face. 

“Don’t blame yourself, Mollymauk- I asked for space. I needed space… Just. Went a bit overboard, I suppose you could stay.” 

The tiefling flashed him a little smile, leaning in and kissing his temple softly. Despite himself, Caleb’s heart clenched in his chest, some part of him grateful that Mollymauk didn’t seem any less inclined to touch him, considering how poorly he’d reacted this morning. 

“I’m just glad Frumpkin came to get us when he did. I was very worried you wouldn’t pull through, Mister Caleb. You were almost dead-cold when we found you.” Mollymauk helped him finish off the soup, setting the bowl off to the side and touching his face, checking his temperature, “You’re doing a bit better- physically, at least.” 

Caleb searched Mollymauk’s face for any indication that the man was lying, or at least exaggerating, but couldn’t find any there. It still astounded him, how much Mollymauk genuinely cared for him. He couldn’t remember the last time anyone had- unless the kind woman who’d driven herself mad to save him in the asylum counted. But that aside, no one had given him even half as many thoughts or cares. 

When he spoke, his voice was quiet, hand reaching out to take Mollymauk’s again, much to the tiefling’s apparent surprise, “Thank you, Molly. I’m.... feeling a little better not physically, too. Not altogether, but a little better.” 

Mollymauk’s fingers twined around his, the tiefling looking down at their clasped hands. A little smile on their face, Mollymauk leant down, kissing his bandaged wrist. The touch, so simple and yet so personal, had a bit of a flush coloring Caleb’s cheeks, and he felt a need to clear his throat, coughing softly.

“Was it a bad dream?” 

The question pulled Caleb from his flustered musings, looking up from their clasped hands to meet Mollymauk’s eyes. Pursing his lips together, he shrugged, “Sort of. Half-dream. I- I woke up only partway. Thought I was chained up.” 

“Oh- because- ah. Sorry, darling. I didn’t realize- I’ll be careful.” Mollymauk had that guilty expression again, the one that absolutely didn’t fit, and Caleb squeezed their hand, wanting to wipe it away.

“No- no. I was just not expecting it, is all. I’m not… upset by it. I’m- I’m touched, actually. That you… trust me like that. I just have some bad experience with… chains. And I couldn’t process it correctly.” 

“You can ask me not to do it, Mister Caleb- I won’t be upset. You know that, right?” 

“ _ Ja- ja,  _ of course I know that. I- I like that you did that, once I processed it right. On my way to the ground.” 

Mollymauk snorted softly, smiling over at him, “You must be feeling better- you’re joking again, Mister Caleb. I love it when you joke- you’re fantastic.” 

Oh, Mollymauk had no right to go looking like that and complimenting him when he was in a state like this. Caleb gave the tiefling a bit of a smile, bringing their hand up to his lips and pressing a quick kiss to the back of it. 

“You always laugh at my jokes. It gives me more reason to tell them, Mollymauk.” 

Mollymauk seemed shocked at his choice of actions, the tiefling looking at him with wide eyes, a little, open smile on their face. It was a genuine smile- but smaller than the bright one they flashed him sometimes. This was another one to file away in his ever-expanding mental book of Mollymauk’s expressions, soundly in the category of ‘faces Caleb would like to see more, especially if he was the reason for them, and even if he didn’t deserve them’.

“I’d love to keep hearing them, Mister Caleb- anytime you’d like to tell them,” Mollymauk smiled, resettling their chair a bit closer so it wasn’t a stretch to be holding Caleb’s hand over his chest. 

Noticing what they were doing, Caleb shifted over on the cot, moving the mound of blankets- which, he realized belatedly, seemed to be mostly stolen from Mollymauk’s own personal nest in their tent- and making a bit more space, patting the spot next to him, “You’re normally still asleep at this hour. Come here. A little more time asleep won’t hurt either of us, Molly.” 

Another of those surprised blinks before Mollymauk laughed, carefully crawling into the tiny bed beside him, “Is that a rib at my sleeping habits, darling?” 

“Maybe a little bit- you don’t need as much beauty sleep as you think you do, Mollymauk. You’re already quite beautiful.” 

Oh, he had said that aloud, hadn’t he? Well, he couldn’t take it back but he could settle back into the pillows, trying to keep as comfortable as possible. And he could curl up a little closer to Mollymauk, disguised as stealing heat- the tiefling was undeniably warm, a pleasant heat against his chilled skin. 

“Well. I’d like to stay that way, Mister Caleb. So shh, I’m trying to get my last desperate hour of beauty sleep.” Mollymauk laughed, curling in closer to Caleb, back almost pressed directly up against his skin. 

And through slitted eyes, Caleb watched Mollymauk’s tail flick from side to side for a moment, before settling and wrapping around his ankle, a comforting weight, not a shackle at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!


	19. been waiting for somebody else to carry me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only a day's journey left until they reach town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for how late this is! i've had some serious writer's block. also! thank you to whoever sent me an anon on tumblr about this- i really love and appreciate hearing from you! <3

Caleb didn’t sleep for much of the hour and six minutes he and Mollymauk were curled up together in the cot. His eyes closed and he drifted, but the noises of the camp and the sunlight filtering through the fabric were enough to keep him awake. Instead, Caleb watched Mollymauk through half-open eyes.

The tiefling had fallen asleep almost immediately- it was a talent of theirs, Caleb figured. Their face was calm, a little smile on their face, and one of their hands was draped over the side of the bed. Mollymauk’s tail was wrapped around his calf, and now, fully aware, it wasn’t nearly as frightening. It twitched now and then, tightening and loosening minutely- never enough to hurt or cause discomfort, just little motions. 

And every once in a while, Mollymauk would shift in their sleep, curling in a little closer. The show of trust had Caleb’s heart clenching in his chest, teeth worrying into his lower lip. Idly, one hand came up to rest on Molly’s shoulder, thumb working in little circles.

Oh, he didn’t deserve this. This felt warm and safe and his heartbeat was fast and he wanted more, wanted to come home to this. This  _ was  _ home- and he wasn’t allowed to have that. He’d burned that bridge, quite literally, and building another home only put Mollymauk at risk, and everyone else in the circus with them.

“You’ve made a mistake, Herr Mollymauk. You picked up a fox. And I’m too selfish to leave- too selfish to choose what’s best for you. You deserve better.” 

The words were whispered, no louder than a breath- Caleb knew Mollymauk couldn’t hear him. The tiefling slept like the dead, a confession wouldn’t wake them any more than the birds crying at sunrise. But it felt better to say it, to admit it to himself- to admit it where, theoretically, Mollymauk could hear, and thus pass judgement on it.

And all the tiefling did was curl closer still, humming in their sleep and nudging one of their horns against Caleb’s shoulder. 

Sighing, Caleb rested his head against Mollymauk’s- letting the warm feeling wash over him. He couldn’t resist the impulse, aching for this closeness, this notion that perhaps someone would want him, someone would want to be close to him again. Because whether he deserved it or not, Caleb wanted this- wanted everything Mollymauk stood for.

A second chance.

Caleb’s roiling thoughts slowed to a stop when he heard a throat clearing in the doorway to the tent. Looking over, he saw Yasha, looking down at the two of them with a little smile on her face. Flustered, Caleb tried to pull away a bit, but was stopped by the tangle of limbs and tail.

“Get Molly up, would you? They’re a brat when they get rudely awoken. But we’re mostly packed up and we need to get going if we’re going to reach town by afternoon for the festival.” 

Blinking, surprised Yasha didn’t have something more to say to him, Caleb nodded, “Oh. Ja, of course. I’ll wake them. It’s okay.” 

Pointing to her own nose, Yasha chuckled softly, “Just tap them repeatedly- it’ll stop them from going right back to sleep once you wake them.” 

And with that tip, Yasha headed back out, though Caleb could hear her taking down the outer posts of the tent- this was probably one of the last they needed to tear down. 

Caleb took a moment to sit up a bit, turning Molly over a bit so the tiefling wasn’t as curled up around him. Taking Yasha’s advice, he leant over them, gently tapping their nose repeatedly. It seemed to work, Mollymauk’s face scrunching up and a grumble rousing them, red eyes blinking open before slipping back closed.

“Hmmmm. No, Mister Caleb. I don’t think so.” 

But Caleb kept up the little touches to Molly’s nose, and the tiefling groaned, eyes opening fully before narrowing up at him. And almost distantly, Caleb was aware that he was smirking, a little smug. Yasha was right, Mollymauk couldn’t fall back asleep so long as he was poking them. 

“You have to get up, Mollymauk. I can do this all morning.” 

Mollymauk’s mouth turned down into something akin to a pout, and Caleb felt that tell-tale flutter in his chest again- he was so close, less than a foot away from the tiefling, and he knew exactly how soft their lips were and- 

An exaggerated sigh from Molly’s lips broke Caleb’s train of thought just in time, the wizard blinking in surprise as Mollymauk sat up, taking Caleb’s hand in theirs and kissing his fingertips. Flustered, Caleb almost missed the smirk that curled up the corners of Mollymauk’s lips before the tiefling was putting on a show again.

“Well I  _ guess  _ I’ll get up then. So you don’t have to trouble yourself poking me all morning. I’m sure you have more important wizard things to do,” Mollymauk’s tail unwound itself from Caleb’s leg, the tiefling finally fully pulling away- and almost immediately Caleb missed the warmth, bereft. 

He watched as Molly got up from the cot, stretching and rolling their neck, letting out a little sigh. The tiefling turned back to him with a smile, offering him a hand, “C’mon then- you can’t wake me up and then laze around in bed yourself. If we’re going, we’re going.” 

Snorting, Caleb took Mollymauk’s hand, using more leverage than necessary to get himself off the bed. But the movement reminded Caleb of the bruising down his side and leg, causing him to wince a bit- those would be healing for a while. 

“C’mere, Mister Caleb. I’ll walk you to one of the carts, so you can sit for the rest of the day. You really took that fall hard- I saw the bruises when I carried you back here.” 

“You carried me back?” 

Mollymauk’s arm came around his waist, the tiefling forcibly taking on some of his weight as they began walking out of the tent. They waved with their free hand to Yasha, who was indeed finishing taking down the tent- the last one. They’d be off soon enough.

“Of course. Did you think you teleported here?” 

“No- I just. Assumed it was Yasha. She’s very strong, after all- probably would have an easier time carrying me.” 

The weight of Mollymauk rolling their eyes was almost enough to sting, but they followed it up with one of those little mischievous smirks, the arm around Caleb’s waist squeezing a bit, clawed fingers tapping his hip.

“Yash is stronger than me, sure. But you’re not that heavy, Caleb. I can lift you- barely even broke a sweat.” 

Oh, Caleb couldn’t stop the flush that colored his cheeks at that statement- there was something very alluring about the way that they said that, the cocky grin on Mollymauk’s face. Clearing his throat, Caleb ran a hand through his hair, shrugging, “Well. I was also wondering how you got me off the ground- my feet would drag, considering the height difference.”

A playful sort of rage colored Mollymauk’s expression, the tiefling lunging for him. Surprised and caught off guard, Caleb suddenly found himself lifted, bodily held up against Mollymauk’s chest. One of the tiefling’s arms was under his back, the other hooked under his knees, and Caleb was head over heels- head spinning from the sudden movement and also the sheer wonder of being carried. 

“Don’t underestimate me because I’m shorter than you, wizard. One of us can wield swords, and one of us gets tired lifting books.” The statement didn’t come with any bite, though, Mollymauk very visibly grinning as they carried Caleb the rest of the way to the cart, setting him down on the bench, “Speaking of books, Yasha brought your bag and stuff to the cart from the tent- it’s all here.” 

Still flustered, Caleb leant back against the wall of the cart, trying to catch his breath and get his thoughts back together. But he nodded, not wanting to ignore Mollymauk, “Oh. Please tell her thank you for me- I appreciate it. The books- they are very important to me.”

Mollymauk’s smile turned to that smaller one, the more genuine one, and the tiefling clapped him on the shoulder, “I know. I told her they were. Go get some more sleep, or read, or something. I’ll see you when we make camp.”

“Oh? Not riding with me today? Too good to sit in the cart with a dirty wizard?”

That bright laugh bubbled up from Mollymauk’s lips again, and Caleb was glad he made the joke- glad he could consider it a joke. Truly, Mollymauk was too good for him, but he knew the tiefling didn’t see it that way. 

Mollymauk leant in, pressing one of those soft, warm kisses to Caleb’s temple, their clawed fingers brushing through his hair before they pulled back. Caleb looked up into deep red eyes, a little smile curling up the corners of his own lips.

“I love sitting in here and watching you read, darling. But I have to catch up with my sister sometime- we have a  _ lot  _ to talk about. But if you miss me too much, just call and I’ll come back to you.” 

A wink and a swish of their tail and Mollymauk was gone, hopping out of the back of the cart and calling out to someone, joining up with the parade as the circus made its way back out onto the road.

Mollymauk Tealeaf was a hurricane, and Caleb was just along for the ride.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Throughout the ride, Caleb was tempted to call out for Mollymauk, to see if their promise was sound- to see if they were within earshot. But he was too proud to do it, truly, some old part of him was too proud to see that smug smile on Mollymauk’s face when they hopped up into the cart.

So he took some time to update his journal instead. A lot had happened since the last time he’d written anything down- and while he didn’t technically need this, his memory always perfect, it was a good way to keep everything straight. Anytime the past threatened to sneak up on him, or his mind played tricks on him, he could turn back to the journal.

And turn back to the most recent page, with a simple description of the morning, ending with the line:

_ I am perilously attached to Mollymauk Tealeaf.  _

“Mister Caleb- ride’s over. Did you fall asleep in there?” 

Caleb was quick to shut the book, sputtering and putting it away in his back, “Ah- no. I was. Finishing a chapter. Very riveting story.  _ Verzeihung.”  _

Mollymauk was leaning up against the entryway to the cart, tail flicking back and forth, their arms crossed. Backlit, Caleb couldn’t see their expression, but he was certain it was smug- Mollymauk was always so self-assured. 

He got up on his own this time, not needing a hand. The muscles were still sore, but resting all day had certainly helped- much better than if he’d been walking outside with Mollymauk and Yasha. And he was sure they appreciated the space- he had insinuated himself right into the middle of their lives, after all.

Mollymauk did insist on helping him down from the cart, though, the hand held out directly in front of him. Taking it, he hopped down, wincing again and sighing, “I’ll be sore for a few days. Remind me not to fall on a pile of rocks next time.”

“Take me with you next time, and I’ll catch you.” Mollymauk flashed a wink, teasing, but Caleb got the distinct sense that they were being serious. “But maybe don’t fall again today- we’re going into the city tonight.”

“Into the city? Are you going to get in trouble again, Molly?”

The tiefling laughed, elbowing him and sticking their tongue out, forked tip flicking back and forth, “No. We’re not getting in trouble. We’re going to have  _ fun.  _ It’s the harvest moon festival, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” 

Stopping in his tracks, Caleb shook his head, gesturing down at the clothes he was wearing, “Molly- I cannot go to a festival. I’m not dressed nearly well enough- I will stand out. The Crownsguard will toss me right back out.” 

The tiefling stepped up to him, leaning up on their toes to look him more directly in the eye. Mollymauk’s face was serious, determined. 

“For starters, I wouldn’t let them do that, Mister Caleb. But it won’t matter- we’ve got a plan. We’re all dressing up tonight- you included.”

“Ah- you don’t. You don’t have to do that, Molly- really.” 

Mollymauk’s finger pressed to Caleb’s lips, the tiefling’s grin positively devious, sending a shiver down Caleb’s spine and setting something alight in his stomach, something he was quick to tamp down. 

“It will be fun, Mister Caleb. I promise.”

The sentence was a proclamation, with a strong finality to it, and Caleb sighed- he knew better than to argue with a stubborn streak like Molly’s.

“Ja. Fine, alright. I will go. But if it is too much, I will have to leave.”

“Just say the word- all I ask is that you  _ try  _ to have fun.” 

Nodding, Caleb sighed again, reaching out to pat Mollymauk on the shoulder, “I will try. Alright then- play paper dolls with me. Do your worst, Mollymauk. ” 

That devious grin widened further, Mollymauk taking the hand from their shoulder and pulling it up to their lips, kissing the back of his knuckles.

“Oh no, Mister Caleb. I’m going to do my  _ best.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! feel free to pop in on tumblr (ilananight) or twitter (@ilananight13) <3


	20. the only thing that makes me feel as good as you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moon is high, the music is cheerful, and it's a wonderful night for a festival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long- it's a bit of a long chapter in return for your long wait!

The uneasy undertaking of Mollymauk dressing him up and having him go out on the town was mediated, at least in part, by the tiefling’s insistence on doing the exact same for Yasha. The woman had laughed, trying to brush them off and tell them to go without her, but Mollymauk hadn’t taken that at face value, standing in the mouth of their tent with hands on their hips.

“You love these things, Yash. There’s always a strength contest you can destroy while dozens of people watch.”

“I don’t love them as much as you do- and I don’t want you having to spend the whole afternoon dressing both of us up. Don’t you want to work on your own outfit?”

The faux-offended expression on Mollymauk’s face was enough to have Caleb snorting and covering his mouth. It earned him a wink from the tiefling, which shut him up effectively, flushed. 

“I picked out what I’m wearing  _ yesterday.  _ I knew I’d need the whole day to make sure the two of you aren’t  _ irrevocably  _ outclassed.”

Yasha rolled her eyes, looking over at Caleb with an expression that would have been apologetic if not for the little smile tugging at her lips, “I tried. But Molly can’t be stopped, I’m afraid.” 

“Ja, well, I already agreed to go. But I’m holding them to their promise of letting me come back here to sleep as soon as I am too tired of people,” Caleb chuckled softly as Molly began to braid flowers into Yashas hair. For all of her complaints, the tall woman seemed quite content to have Mollymauk pouring attention onto her. 

Caleb could understand, certainly. Having Mollymauk’s undivided attention felt like sitting in late spring sunlight- warm and leaving his skin tingling. And while it likely wasn’t the same for Yasha, it had to be soothing for her too, to have this bubbly person do her hair and makeup with the utmost care.

Just watching the exchange was soothing- it only added to the atmosphere of feeling at home. Mollymauk kept up a quiet stream of chatter, asking Yasha to hand them more flowers every now and then, but mostly just excitedly talking about the festival. And then, all too soon, it was his turn to be under Molly’s hands. 

The tiefling started by running their claws lightly through his hair, cooing. It sent a shiver down Caleb’s spine, his eyes slipping closed as Mollymauk massaged at his scalp. For a moment, Caleb was self conscious- he was sure his hair was oily- probably with dirt in it too, considering his fall earlier today. But the tiefling didn’t say anything, only clicking their tongue and carding fingers through his hair until the tangles were gone.

“Your hair is lovely, Mister Caleb- have you ever thought of growing it out?”

“Ah- nein. Not really. I keep it this length mostly- easier to take care of. I… don’t get to wash it often.” 

“Maybe we’ll find a bath house and we can fix that. But your hair is nice- you mind if I braid it?” 

“No-not at all. Go ahead, Molly,” He tried to stop himself from sounding so eager, sitting back a little bit and leaning up against Molly. But internally, his stomach was flipping and tying itself into knots with how excited he was to be on the receiving end of the same treatment as Yasha. 

Humming, the tiefling reached into a basket off to the side, opening a vial and releasing a soft, woodsy floral smell into the air. The smell got stronger when Molly walked back over to him, sliding their fingers through his hair again- some kind of scented oil, then. Not the same one Molly used personally- this was a different scent, but it was nice all the same, diffusing through the air and leaving Caleb feeling warm. 

His eyes slipped closed, Caleb leaning more fully back up against Mollymauk. He let his thoughts go quiet for once, just enjoying the passage of time while Molly’s hands worked through his hair, massaging the oil in and then braiding his hair into a crown. 

When Molly was finished, they leant down and pressed a kiss to the top of his head, patting his shoulders, “You still with me, Mister Caleb?” 

Blinking his eyes open, Caleb nodded, feeling more relaxed than he’d felt in years. So relaxed, in fact, that his mouth slid up into a wide smile when he turned to look at Mollymauk, “Ja- you were braiding my hair for seven minutes and twenty four seconds. I was just… enjoying myself.”

“Good. That’s what I was hoping for,” Mollymauk kissed his head again, this time closer to his temple, and then stepped back, the warm presence at Caleb’s back suddenly gone. It took a lot more self control than Caleb was willing to admit not to pout at the sudden absence, not to lean back to try and get some of that contact back. But he was already being selfish enough, taking this much of Mollymauk’s time.

The tiefling dropped a pile of fabric into his lap, leaning over him and looking at him upside down with a grin, “I borrowed these from Gustav for you. They might be a little big at the waist, but at least they won’t be too short. Any of my pants would be shorts on you, Mister Caleb.” 

Yasha snorted at that, rolling her eyes and flashing Caleb a little smile. Molly had laid an outfit out for her too, apparently, if the clothes in her arms were any indication. He was quick to look away, though, when she pulled her tunic over her head to change, not wanting to stare. 

Which, of course, meant that he had no choice but to look at Mollymauk, who had also pulled their shirt over their head. Caleb hadn’t gotten a chance to look closely at the tattoos back, so he let his eyes wander now. The two eyes, one above the other, stared back at him, and Caleb’s eyes slid over them, looking at the moon and sun instead. The rays of the sun met up with the moon, swathing Molly’s shoulders in gold ink. 

It was unlawful, certainly, how beautiful Molly could look, just standing in front of their mirror and braiding their hair up into an intricate waterfall. Caleb could watch them get ready for hours. 

Mollymauk’s eyes flicked up in the mirror, meeting Caleb’s gaze, and a smile curled up the corners of their lips, “If you get dressed, you can still sit back and enjoy the show, Mister Caleb. Don’t you want to get ready?”

Flustered, certain his face was bright red, Caleb tossed his own shirt off, pulling Gustav’s on and clumsily buttoning it up. The fabric was too smooth- nicer than anything he’d ever owned, and he was having difficulty getting the buttons to slot into the holes, looking down and not wanting to meet Molly’s eyes again and admit to staring.

Warm hands pulled Caleb’s fingers away from the buttons, carefully taking over for him and buttoning the shirt up. Those claws then traced up his chest, cupping his chin and tilting Caleb’s head up to look at them, a smile on Mollymauk’s face.

“Never be ashamed for looking at me- I wouldn’t be putting on a show if I didn’t want an audience, Mister Caleb. And I assure you, Yasha isn’t watching.” They laughed softly, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his cheek before pulling away, going back to the mirror to keep applying their makeup.

It took Caleb a moment to focus from that, his heartbeat rushing in his ears. And as he slowly became aware of more than the burning mark on his cheek and the coals turning over in his belly, Caleb realized that Yasha was, in fact, no longer in the room. 

There was something thrilling about being alone with Molly while they got ready. Even as Caleb put the borrowed pants on, cinching a belt to keep them on his waist, he watched Mollymauk put the finishing details on their makeup before grabbing a garment from their chair. He had to look away, then, watching Molly hook their claws into their waistband.

Show or not, there seemed something too lascivious about silently watching the tiefling undress.

If the little chuckle was any indicator, Mollymauk found his shy behavior amusing at least. Counting silently, Caleb waited what he felt was an appropriate amount of time before looking back up, gasping at the sight that met his eyes. 

Mollymauk was draped in a billowy, gauzy gown sort of garment, mostly sheer. Their tattoos were visible through it, like ghosts of the images. And it was only through layering that the more intimate parts of Mollymauk’s body were sufficiently covered. 

“What do you think, Mister Caleb? Too much?”

“Ah- nein. No. Not too much. You ah. You look lovely, Mollymauk. You will be the life of the party.”

“I always am- but thank you. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear,” Mollymauk flashed him a bright smile, offering Caleb an arm, “Come on then- let’s hurry off. Wouldn’t want to miss any of the festivities.”

A little windswept, Caleb took hold of Molly’s arm, almost floating along beside them. Yasha was waiting outside the tent, and Molly fell into step beside her, Caleb on their arm as they made their way up to the city.

* * *

  
  


The festival was loud, bustling, and easy to get lost in. If Molly’s fingers weren’t entwined with his, Caleb was certain he would have wandered off or lost track of the tiefling a dozen times over now. But it was worth it, to see the expressions on their face.

Every booth and stall they came across seemed to fill Mollymauk with newfound wonder. There was a grin on their face, eyes wide to take in the sights. Despite holding their hand, Caleb managed to miss several purchases Mollymauk made in the hustle and bustle, the tiefling adding a couple of new charms to their horns, and turning around to weave a chain into one of Caleb’s braids with a smile on their face.

He’d been flushed ever since- and he was certain every other person at this festival could see just how smitten he was, just how he was hanging off of Molly’s every word. Every person Molly stopped to talk to, purposely or just by bumping shoulders, the tiefling got a smile out of. Sometimes they flipped the strangers a coin, sometimes they pulled their cards out of a pocket, letting go of Caleb’s hand for a moment to pull one out and tell a quick fortune. But no matter what their chosen path, every person walked away with a spring in their step.

And Caleb circled closer and closer to Molly, drawn like a moth to the flame- no, to the  _ sun-  _ that is Mollymauk Tealeaf. He was basking in that light, that warmth, that feeling of belonging that he had been bereft of for so long.

That warm feeling and a couple of ales and Caleb was certain this was the happiest he’d been in years- possibly the happiest he’d ever been. It was a moment he wanted to live in, and for once in his life, the voice in the back of his head telling him that he deserved to be punished was quiet, drowned out by the sounds of the festival.

They were stopped for the moment, standing in front of one of those tests of strength. Yasha had beaten the record in a single try, taking home the prize of a colorful beaded shawl, which she had immediately handed over to Molly. Now, she was in the process of keeping that record, facing off against challengers. 

If she could hold the record past sundown, the prize was a fair amount of gold.

“C’mon- come with me,” Molly was warm against his side, leaning against him, and their voice was soft- not intended to be heard, “Yasha will find us.” 

“Where… where do you want to go, Molly?”

“Dancing, obviously- didn’t you see the square? There’s music, everyone was dancing. Come dancing with me.”

Caleb was struck with a yearning, then- a yearning based in visceral memory. For a moment he was sixteen again, waltzing Astrid around the Academy’s ballroom, Eodwulf laughing from the wings when he stumbled over his feet. The last time he’d felt even close to this happy- and it paled in comparison to how he felt now, resting his head on Molly’s.

“Ah- what if. What if we don’t know the steps?”

“Who cares? It’s a festival, Mister Caleb. We’re here to have fun- to celebrate. It’s the harvest moon- look at her!” Mollymauk pointed to the skyline, where indeed, the moon was starting to rise, visible in the fading light. Large and tinged red, it certainly was eye catching. 

Well, in for a copper, in for a gold. Taking Mollymauk’s hand, Caleb pulled it to his lips, lightly kissing the knuckles, “Ja. Let’s go. Lead the way, Mollymauk.”

The tiefling took a moment to catch Yasha’s eye, signing something to her so fast Caleb couldn’t even catch it. She nodded, though, so at least she understood. And then Molly was taking his hand again, dragging him along through the crowds. 

Closer and closer to town square, and the music got louder. Not a waltz or anything like that, more like the songs they would play back in Blumenthal, back at the harvest festivals of his childhood. And the dance looked almost familiar, more of a jig, much less refined than anything he had learned at the Academy.

And much more Mollymauk’s alley, from the look on the tiefling’s face. 

Molly pulled him into the fray almost immediately, laughing with unbridled glee. While it didn’t seem like they knew any of the actual steps, they picked up on the beat quite fast, and were content to simply hop around, spinning in and out of his arms. And Caleb couldn’t stop them if he wanted to, pulled along with the music. 

Not that Caleb wanted to stop Mollymauk- far from it, Caleb wouldn’t stop them for the world.

Several songs and twenty three minutes, forty seven seconds later, Mollymauk pulled them off of the dance floor, leaning up against an alley wall and catching their breath. Caleb leant up beside them, grinning so wide it almost hurt his face. He felt warm, not just from exertion but from within as well. 

“You’re a wonderful dancer, Mister Caleb- has anyone ever told you that?” 

No one had told Caleb that, certainly. Bren? Sure. But not Caleb- he could shake his head and just lean a little more into Molly’s space to meet their eyes, “Not in so many words- I… have not had many chances to go dancing. Not many opportunities.” 

“Well. We’ll have to change that, now won’t we? Since I know you’re so good at it,” Molly’s tail flicked up against his leg, the spade tip just lightly wrapping around the back of his thigh- keeping him close but not tight enough to hold him if Caleb chose to pull away. 

But Caleb didn’t, leaning in closer still- the half-light from the lamps and the moon, now almost a third of the way up in the sky, bathed Mollymauk in a warm glow. Their eyes were glinting, almost like rubies, and the heat in their gaze left Caleb breathless, heart clenching in his chest. 

“You- you’re a very good dancer too, Mollymauk. I could. Barely keep up.” 

A laugh filtered up from Molly’s lips at that, teeth flashing from behind purple lips. Slowly, their hands came up to rest on his shoulders, pulling Caleb down a bit so they were closer to eye level.

“You kept up just fine. I love dancing with you, Mister Caleb.” 

The music filtering into the alley was slower, winding down for the night, perhaps. Careful, cautious, wondering if Molly would push him away despite all indications to the contrary, Caleb placed his hands on their waist, settling on top of the gauzy fabric. And slowly, he began to sway in time with the music, just holding Mollymauk gently- not a waltz, not any specific type of dance, just a slow, gentle sway.

A sway that brought Mollymauk closer with every beat, or so it seemed, the tiefling brushing up against him and sliding their hands up into his hair to play with the strands. Their face was tilted up to look at him, mere inches between them, and Caleb felt his mouth go dry when Molly’s eyes met his.

Distantly, a clock began to chime, and Caleb and Molly both looked up for a second. Molly gasped, eyes locking on the moon, and the tiefling seemed to melt even closer to him, holding themself up by their arms around his neck.

“She certainly is beautiful tonight- the fullest I’ve seen her in a long while…” 

“The moon can’t hold a candle to you, Molly,” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, and they drew Molly’s attention back to him, a smile tugging at the tiefling’s lips. He wavered for a moment before swallowing down his fear- he couldn’t imagine ever having this chance again, and if he passed up on it, he would spend years dreaming about it.

“Molly- can I kiss you? Really kiss you? Not just. To avoid getting arrested, or to-” 

Before he could start running his mouth, Molly’s lips were pressed up against his, warm and soft. Molly tasted sweet- a combination of whatever lipstick they were wearing and the myriad of sweet foods they had purchased from vendors on their way here. And maybe they were just naturally this sweet, this addictive. Because the moment their lips were on his, Caleb was gripping them tighter by the waist, pulling them closer to him. 

His back pressed up against the bricks of the alley wall, a mirror of the last time this had happened. But this was different, Caleb could feel how different it was in the weight of Molly up against his chest, the hand cupping his cheek, thumb lightly brushing over his cheekbone. There was no desperation in this, no force, just warmth and closeness.

Pulling back to take a breath, Caleb rested his forehead against Molly’s, resettling his hands on their hips and lightly rubbing circles into their sides with his thumbs. He looked down, searching Molly’s eyes for something- he wasn’t sure what, just searching.

“Mister Caleb, I thought you’d never ask.” And then Mollymauk was kissing him again, one of their hands wound into his hair, the other on his shoulder to pull him down closer to him. Caleb was happy to be pulled, not quite strong enough to lift Molly up to his level, but more than capable of leaning down to meet him.

For a moment- a moment that Caleb was, for once in his life, too busy to count the seconds of- the world around them stopped. There was no festival, no Empire, no world beyond the two of them. All there was in Caleb’s world was Molly, bright and warm like the sun, slotted into his arms and kissing him like they belonged there.

And then that moment broke with a blood-curdling shriek, distant but not distant enough, the music cutting silent, and the lights of the festival blowing out all at once, leaving them bathed in only the light of the moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i might be taking a short hiatus until march- i've got to finish building my mollymauk cosplay for ECCC and i'm not sure i'll have much time to write. but you're always welcome to hop by to chat on tumblr or twitter!


	21. throw the first punch- make it a good one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what a lovely night for a brawl and an unpleasantly familiar sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long- my mental health has been really poor due to the current world situation but! i'm hoping that this chapter means i've bested the worst of my writer's block and can be getting back to my usual updates!
> 
> this chapter contains: violence, immolation, flashbacks, mentions of ptsd and trauma, and a panic attack. if any of these are triggering to you, please contact me and i will provide a doctored version!

Caleb froze immediately at the sound, still clutching Molly by the waist. The tiefling was stiff as well, head immediately turned in the direction of the shriek. 

“Whoever’s causing trouble is in for it- I did not want to be interrupted.” 

A little hysterical, Caleb couldn’t help but laugh at Mollymauk’s statement, letting go of them as they pulled back. It was just his luck that this one opportunity would be fraught with travesty. Maybe this was just a reminder- a rude awakening that a person like him didn’t deserve a person like Mollymauk. Mollymauk Tealeaf had much better people they could be kissing- anyone at all, really. 

“A rain check on those kisses, love? If you’d like to go back to that at some point?” 

Blinking in surprise, Caleb flushed, voice failing him for a moment. Instead, he nodded, clearing his throat, “Uh- ja. We. Can we talk later?” 

“Later. When there’s not some shite happening.” 

Molly slipped into a shadow by the wall, disappearing from Caleb’s already dulled vision- the moonlight was enough to make out shapes, but nothing more than that. Trying to follow after Molly, his foot caught the edge of a loose cobblestone, causing him to stumble. 

The tiefling’s hand came out to catch him, stopping him from falling and taking his hand. Even in the dark, Caleb could see the flash of Mollymauk’s teeth, stark white and sharp in the moonlight as they grinned.

“How about I lead- just be ready if anything comes at us. I’m down to a knife, I’m afraid.” 

Caleb hadn’t thought of that- Yasha had her sword, and that was presumably why Mollymauk had felt comfortable leaving their scimitars back with the circus. He wasn’t entirely sure where Molly was hiding a knife in their gauzy chiffon ensemble, but it was better than nothing, he supposed. Nodding, Caleb squeezed Mollymauk’s hand and slipped his other hand into the pouches at his waist, checking his stock of spell components.

Not the usual arsenal he kept in his coat, but hopefully it would be enough.

Mollymauk was much more dexterous than he was, much better at slinking from shadow to shadow. But they pulled him along as best they could- it was easy to slip unseen through the streets when everyone else was doing their best to rush away from the epicenter of whatever was happening.

All of the lanterns were out, but at least it wasn’t a magical darkness. This, at least, Caleb’s eyes could adjust to, so he could begin making out the silhouettes of buildings and people bustling away. 

“Molly- shouldn’t we- also be going out?”

“Not a chance- Yash won’t be running away, so we can’t either.”

Well, Caleb couldn’t exactly argue with that. If there was danger at this festival, of course Yasha and Molly would be throwing themselves into the middle of it for the good of everyone else here. It was a sobering reminder of just how much better they were- how selfish Caleb was in comparison, scared and simply wanting to be safe.

Suddenly, there was light ahead of them, and Mollymauk pressed up against a wall, pulling Caleb with them. From here, Caleb could see over Molly’s head, looking into the intersection that was lit by torches. 

Naturally, Yasha was there. Standing with her sword drawn, between a figure lying prone on the floor and what appeared to be a circle of shadows, brandishing torches and swords. One of them was talking, but Caleb couldn’t make out the words from here- he could only tell that whatever it was saying, Yasha was clearly unhappy about it.

The conversation stopped abruptly, Yasha lashing out and slicing clean through the shadow that was talking, causing it to crumple in on itself and disappear, darkness diffusing out from it. The rest of the shadow soldiers jumped toward her, swarming her from all sides.

“Not the most welcoming of parties, but I think this is our cue, love,” Molly flashed him a grin, something glinting in their eyes. For a person who was normally so calm, Mollymauk did seem to take a savage sort of glee in this. 

Reaching into the folds of their chiffon gown, Mollymauk pulled a knife from some unknown space, brandishing it so it glinted in the torchlight before sliding it across their hand, causing the blade to light up with a warm glow. And with that, they were off, hopping into the fray and slicing through the shadows, trying to fight their way to Yasha in the center.

Caleb lingered at the edge of the clearing, running a hand through his hair. There were a lot of them, and he didn’t know why they were hear. Whatever they were, they were clearly summoned by magic. And that meant that somewhere nearby was the person who’d summoned them.

That was who Caleb was really concerned about.

Cursing quietly under his breath, Caleb pulled out his diamond, spinning it and shooting orbs of acid into the shadows. The sooner they cleared them out, the sooner they could get out of hear- ideally before their master showed up. 

It seemed to be going fairly well- Caleb only felt a shot of ice through his veins once, when one of the shadows sliced Molly’s side open with a particularly quick hit. The tiefling spun out of it, though, eyes flashing as flames erupted from their feet and consumed the shadow and one of it’s nearby companions.

Tossing firebolts from the shadow was all Caleb could comfortably do- if the shadows could catch a shot on Molly or Yasha, they would make short work of him at close range. But it meant that he had a better view of the whole intersection- and when the caster stepped into the light on the other side of the clearing, it meant Caleb was the only one who saw them.

Academy robes. Scourger robes. The sight alone had his heart pounding in his chest. He needed to run- he needed to get as far away from here as possible- to be certain that whoever was under those robes didn’t see him, didn’t recognize him. He couldn’t go back there, he couldn’t be taken in again- he couldn’t lose himself again.

It had taken years to rebuild what fragile sense of self he had after the asylum. He couldn’t risk winding up back there again.

Caleb turned, ready to run, ready to disappear, to fade into the shadows and not resurface until he was at least two weeks ride away. 

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t turn away. He watched the caster raise their hand, light surrounding it as they prepped a spell- a spell neither Molly nor Yasha would see coming, a spell they wouldn’t have a chance to avoid.

Shaking with fear and anger, Caleb held a hand out, flames encircling his wrist. The spell came to him as easy as breathing, memorized and ingrained into him despite any of his efforts. And with a snarled phrase, the fireball blasted forth, easily giving away his position in the alleyway.

Not that it mattered- the spell caught the other caster unawares, too engrossed in their own ritual magic. It set their robes ablaze, consuming them in a sphere of flame that didn’t quite burn loud enough to drown out their screams.

He couldn’t take his eyes off of the silhouette, shrieking and writhing in the flames. He watched as they fell to the floor, first onto their knees and then all the way down, trying to no avail to put the flames out. Slowly, the screaming faded, the figure’s flailing dying down until it came to a crushing stop. 

But in Caleb’s head, the screaming only got louder and louder. More voices joining in- his mother’s, his father’s, his own. Louder and closer and more intense, till all Caleb could hear was screaming. 

“Mister Caleb? Caleb, love? Can you hear me?” 

A gentle tapping on his cheek was the first sign of the outside world that Caleb became aware of. He had lost time- genuinely lost it. It took him a moment to find it again, thinking and rearranging his thoughts.

11:37. He had been spaced out for almost ten minutes. What had happened in those ten minutes? Was he still in the alley? Was the caster dead? What about the shadows? 

Another tap to his cheek, and then warm lips pressed to his forehead, “You’re scaring me, Mister Caleb. Come back to me.” 

Caleb blinked, refocusing on the world around him. The lights were back on now- lamps and torches and paper lanterns. People were trickling back in from shopfronts and inns- and there was a small circle of people in the middle of the square, presumably around the figure Caleb had seen collapsed there earlier.

From here, on the ground, Caleb couldn’t see the burned out remains of the other spellcaster, and he was grateful for that. He couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t go right back into a spiral if he saw them. 

Slowly, he was able to meet Mollymauk’s eyes, becoming fully aware of the fact that he was shaking. The tiefling was kneeling in front of him, one hand on his shoulder and the other cupping his face as they examined him carefully. 

“There’s my wizard. I thought we’d lost you in your own head there for a second.”

Mollymauk leant in and pressed another kiss to his forehead, smiling that little conspiratorial smile, and Caleb let himself slump forward against them, still shaking. Molly was here- and they were well enough to be comforting him rather than binding up their own wounds. 

His arms came up to wrap around the tiefling, burying his face in their neck. A not-quite-surpressed wince told Caleb that Molly wasn’t entirely unscathed- that cut he’d seen earlier hadn’t been healed yet. But they wrapped their arms around him in return, and that was really what Caleb needed. Something to ground him in the here and now, and push those memories as far back as he could get them.

The sound of a throat clearing behind them had Caleb turning, tensed for a moment before he realized it was simply Yasha, standing over them both with her arms crossed. She looked tired, but had a small smile on her face- they had all come out of this relatively unharmed. One of her hands came down on Molly’s shoulder, a faint glow surrounding the two of them as Molly’s wound stitched itself closed- some kind of healing magic.

“We should probably get going. The guards will be grateful, I’m sure, but they’ll also have questions. And we don’t really do well with questions.”

Mollymauk nodded, turning back to Caleb and looking at him, as if waiting for Caleb’s confirmation. It took Caleb a moment, assessing that all of his limbs were in the right spaces- and that his hands weren’t smoking from underneath the bandages- to nod as well. 

The tiefling took him by the hand, lifting Caleb to his feet and then wrapping their arm around him. Grateful, Caleb leant heavily on Mollymauk as they made their way through the much quieter streets, here and there smiling politely to the passers-by that thanked them, or waving off coins that people tried to press into their hands. 

Mollymauk did all of the talking- “Pleasure to be of help.”, “It’s a festival- there needed to be some sort of trouble to liven things up.”, “Save a drink for me tomorrow.” Any number of quick ways to get out of a conversation but still accept the gracious thanks on their way out of the city.

By the time they had finally made it back to the circus tents, Caleb felt like his body was made of lead. Tired, heavy, and almost entirely held up by the force of Molly’s arm around his waist. Clambering into the tent, he collapsed to the floor, not even bothering to take off his boots.

“Now- you can’t sleep like that. Lay back- I’ll handle this,” And before Caleb could even think to protest, Molly was unlacing his shoes and tossing them aside, removing his book harness and carefully setting it beside his pack, and placing a pillow under his head. “There. Now you won’t be sore come morning.” 

“Ah- ja. Danke schoen, Molly.” Even his tongue felt heavy in his mouth- Caleb really couldn’t comprehend how tired he was, just feeling the exhaustion wash over him in waves. There was so much to process about tonight, and he simply didn’t have the capacity for it right now. That could wait- he could overthink it all later. 

He was just about washed into the black sea of sleep when a warm body pressed up against his side. Cracking his eyes partway open, he looked down to meet Molly’s gaze, the tiefling resting their head gently on his arm with a smile. 

“I can move, if you’d like me to, Caleb.” 

Shaking his head, Caleb simply shifted so that he could better slot Molly in under his chin, sighing and relaxing down into the blankets and furs of their tent, “No- no. This is fine. Good night, Molly.” 

“Good night, Mister Caleb.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you! and please feel free to hit me up on tumblr (ilananight) or twitter (ilananight13)


	22. we're lost in a dream now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything has fallout- for better and for worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies again for the wait- things are difficult. but we're powering through.
> 
> content warnings for this chapter: nightmares, ptsd, flashbacks. If any of these things trigger you, contact me and I can provide a doctored version of the chapter for you!

It was still dark when the whimpering woke Caleb from his sleep. 

He was a light sleeper to begin with, and the noise was unusual. Molly slept in well past sunrise and if Yasha made any noise in her sleep, Caleb hadn’t heard it. But the sound was very clear, and it rang out again as he blinked his eyes open.

Caleb didn’t need dark vision to know the sound was coming from Mollymauk. The tiefling’s tail had unwound itself from his leg and was instead flicking from side to side as they wriggled, constricted by some unseen barrier. They shook from side to side, shoulder bumping against Caleb and recoiling back immediately. 

Still trying to process how he could help, Caleb watched as whatever was troubling Molly in their sleep intensified. Their face twisted into a mask of fear and desperation, hands curling into claws and swiping in front of them, though their elbows stayed clenched to their sides, as if bound in some way. 

“Empty. Empty. Empty empty  _ empty!”  _ Their voice started as a whisper, hoarse and broken, and got louder and sharper as they thrashed, distressed and choking on something that Caleb couldn’t see. 

Sure, Caleb knew he wasn’t supposed to wake a person having a nightmare- it always left them disoriented or worse- he had seen plenty of that at the asylum. But he couldn’t just sit idly by while Mollymauk struggled like this.

Carefully, Caleb reached out, placing a hand over Molly’s forehead and finding it burning hot. Cursing under his breath, he got up, grabbing a cloth rag and getting it lightly damp before laying it over Mollymauk’s forehead. 

The thrashing and muttering hadn’t stopped, or even begun to subside, and Caleb couldn’t keep watching this, couldn’t see Molly’s face twisted into the mask of fear and desperation, eyes screwed shut.

So, Caleb reached out and shook Molly, breaking the rhythm of their thrashing and causing them to cry out. As if suddenly unbound, one of Molly’s hands clawed across his chest, catching in the threads of Caleb’s undershirt. Caleb pulled back, heart pounding in his chest, but it was progress- Molly didn’t seem to be as constricted now, though they were still in the throes of the nightmare, eyes now open but seeing past the tent, focused on something that wasn’t there.

Remembering Molly’s go-to whenever he was lost in his memories, Caleb shifted so he was kneeling beside Molly’s head, leaning down and taking their head in his hands. Gently, he kissed their forehead, murmuring to them in Zemnian, just a constant stream of encouragement and calming words, anything Caleb could think of. 

Another couple of close swipes, Molly wasn’t lashing out and attacking him, but in their struggle to escape whatever they felt was holding them, their claws nicked him more than once. But Caleb kept brushing Molly’s hair back from their face, peppering their forehead and cheeks with little kisses and keeping up the monologue in Zemnian.

Slowly, painfully, Mollymauk stopped thrashing, their tail calming and their hands relaxing from claws. Eventually, the unearthly light left their eyes and Mollymauk focused on Caleb- really, truly seeing him for the first time since the nightmare caught him. 

Before Caleb could say anything, Mollymauk’s arms were wrapped around him, the tiefling pulling him close and burying their face in his chest. It only took Caleb a moment to realize that the full body shudders wracking Mollymauk’s body were sobs, silent but visceral.

Wrapping his arms around Molly in turn, Caleb pressed a little kiss between his horns, shushing and cooing. Eventually, he transitioned from just shushing to humming- an old lullaby, something he hadn’t really thought about for decades, probably. Not since he was a child, frightened by a nightmare or a noise outside.

It seemed to work for Molly as well- the tiefling calmed down by degrees, still clutching at Caleb but breathing more steadily, the sobs quieting down. After a few minutes, Mollymauk pulled back, wiping their eyes with a corner of the blanket and trying to cover the blotchiness of their face with a watery smile.

“Caleb- thanks- sorry for waking you. Ah. Bad dream. I’m- I’m going to go for a walk. Clear my head.”

“Can I come with you?” Caleb knew what it was like to have a nightmare, and couldn’t help but remember what Ornna said, about Mollymauk not liking to wake up alone. And if the smile on Molly’s face widening was any indicator, Caleb was glad he asked.

Nodding, Molly slowly got up, extricating themself from Caleb’s arms and grabbing their coat, simply tossing it over their nightgown and offering Caleb a hand, “Sure. Just gonna wander the grounds- fresh air helps.” 

Caleb took Molly’s hand, using it as a lever to pull himself up, and keeping ahold of it once he was standing. He threaded his fingers through Molly’s, sticking close as the tiefling carefully exited the room, patting Yasha’s head when she started to rouse.   
  
“I’m fine, love. Going for a walk. Get your rest.”    
  


The air outside was chill, and Caleb shivered- remembering just as it would be too awkward to go back that he hadn’t grabbed his coat. He could handle the chill for a while, though- it just meant standing a little bit closer to Molly, who didn’t seem to mind. 

“Do you… need to talk about it? Your dream, Molly?” 

The tiefling hummed, leaning up against Caleb’s shoulder and bumping him with their horns gently, “Nah. It’s always the same. And I’m fine once I get outside. It’s… more a memory than a nightmare, really.” 

Caleb could understand that, certainly- most of his nightmares were based in memories as well. But he also knew that some people took some comfort out of talking it through, grounding themself back in reality- he certainly found it easier to get out of his nightmares these days, with Molly kneeling over him. 

“Well. If you ever do need to talk about it. I can listen.”

Mollymauk looked up at him with a warm smile, genuine and open and absolutely heart stopping, and Caleb almost missed their response he was so stunned, “Thank you, love. I appreciate it.” 

Caleb wanted to drown in that smile- to burn it into his soul and let it wash over him. But at least he had the knowledge that he’d remember it forever- he had no chance of forgetting the soft curve of Molly’s mouth, the warmth in their eyes, the way the orange-tinted moonlight washed over their skin. 

They walked for a little longer, Molly’s spirits gradually rising more and more. By the time they were back to the tent, Molly was humming to themself, swinging their hands between them. 

“Mister Caleb- what time is it?” 

“Four forty three, why?”

The tiefling let out a groan, shaking their head and lightly clonking their head against his arm again, “That’s ridiculous. I’m going back to sleep. Nightmares or not, I need my beauty sleep.” 

Chuckling, Caleb took Molly’s hand and brought it up to his mouth, kissing their knuckles, “I think you’re plenty beautiful- but this is early for you,  _ ja.  _ No one else is up yet.” 

Mollymauk smiled again at the little kiss, making a trilling noise in the back of their throat, “I stay this beautiful because I sleep in. Everyone else should try it sometime.” With that, they gently tugged at his hand, pulling him back into the tent and down into the pile of blankets, “C’mere, love. Back to sleep.”

Unsure if he’d be able to sleep, Caleb settled beside Mollymauk all the same, wrapping his arms around the tiefling and slotting them in under his chin, “ _ Guten nacht, Mollymauk.  _ Sleep well- to keep your beauty.”

The tiefling gave him a little chuckle in reply, nuzzling in closer and humming. And before long, their breaths deepened as Mollymauk drifted back to sleep.

It was close to when Caleb would have woken up anyway, but he was content to hold Molly and gently drift, sliding in and out of a light sleep and rubbing gentle patterns into Molly’s back.

* * *

  
  


No one came to rouse them until almost a quarter to nine, and Caleb certainly wasn’t going to wake Molly after the night they’d had. Yasha had gotten up around seven, giving him a little smile before heading out- presumably to help with something around the circus or just start her day. But Mollymauk was sound asleep, and Caleb was far too warm, comfortable, and selfish to let him go.

Orrna’s head poked into the tent just before nine, a smile on her face, and she rolled her eyes when she saw Molly still sound asleep, “Morning, Caleb. Get sleeping beauty up, would you? The Crownsguard’s here to thank them and Yasha for whatever you folks did last night, and Yasha’s really not the talkative, accepting rewards gracefully type.”

Trying to stifle the dread that built in his stomach at the mention of the Crownsguard, Caleb nodded and forced a smile, “I’ll get them up. Thank you, Orrna. Where are they?” 

“By the bonfire- we’re keeping ‘em busy. Just don’t let Molly take too long.” Orrna laughed a bit at that, ducking her head back out of the tent and whistling as she walked back away. 

Caleb took a couple of deep breaths, forcing the panic down before gently shaking Molly, pulling away from them a bit, “Rise and shine, Mollymauk. It’s morning.” 

The only response that came from Molly was a petulant whine, the tiefling burrowing into his chest again and wrapping their tail around him.

Amusement at Molly’s response replaced some of Caleb’s anxiety, a little smile playing on his lips. He shook his head, rolling over and holding onto Molly so the tiefling was out of the blankets, prompting another groan, “No- you need to wake up. There’s people here to see you.” 

Molly’s eyes opened at that, narrowed and bleary, and they sat up a bit, resting on Caleb’s chest. When they spoke, their accent was thick, that low brogue that had Caleb’s whole chest warming up, “Someone to see me? What for?” 

“Ah- Crownsguard, Orrna said. To thank you and Yasha for your help. Last night.” 

Mollymauk rolled their eyes, sitting up and getting off of Caleb to stretch and roll their shoulders, “More like to pay us so we don’t go around talking about how incompetent they are. But that’s fine- the circus could always use the extra coin. And they’re less likely to kick us out if the townsfolk think we’re heroes. Means we’ll get to perform tonight.”

That was something to look forward to, at least. Caleb had seen the performers practicing at camp, but it had been a while now since he’d last watched the show. And maybe this time he’d be able to sit through the whole thing- he’d seen Orrna use her abilities around the camp often enough to not wince at the sight of fire. 

He wondered if Molly would perform- he had seen them practicing their dance, but anytime he asked about it they shrugged- said they only performed when someone else was feeling ill and they needed to fill the roster. 

It would be nice to see Molly in the full regalia of performance- nice enough of an image to keep his mind off the fact that the Crownsguard were here.

Slipping his coat on, Caleb cleared his throat to get Molly’s attention, the tiefling turning to look at him with their pants hanging off their hips, half dressed, and Caleb’s thoughts short circuited for a second before coming back to him, “Ah- Molly if. If you could keep me out of it. Out of whatever you tell them. Just don’t… say I helped with the fight. Say I hid in a shadow the whole time- I was too scared.”

He felt like a coward asking for that, and his pride stung, but he knew it was safer this way. Eventually, the Academy would hear about their rogue acolyte getting killed, and if there was even a chance of his involvement being whispered of, they would all be in danger. And he couldn’t do that- not to himself, not to Mollymauk, not to anyone in the circus.

But Mollymauk just smiled, pulling their shirt on and grabbing their coat with a nod, “Of course. I’ll sell whatever story you need, love. Do you want to come with me? Or stay here?” 

Caleb thought for a moment, biting his lip before sighing, “I will come but. I do not think I will do much talking. After all- I am very shaken up from yesterday.”

That got a little laugh and a grin out of Molly, who offered him an arm. Taking it gratefully, Caleb fell into step beside him, enjoying the closeness. 

They still needed to talk about last night- about the kiss, about whether that was just a product of the alcohol and the high of the festival, about feelings. But Caleb was frightened of the prospect of that- equally frightened of rejection and acceptance, for different reasons. And so he was content not to bring it up, to walk in silence beside Molly, who greeted every person they passed. 

As the approached the bonfire, Caleb let his face fall into more of a sullen frown, putting on the face of someone still touched by the events of last night. Mollymauk gently sat him down on a nearby bench, kissing his forehead before flouncing over to sit next to Yasha in front of the Crownguard, still thankfully within earshot.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, good sir. I was tired- and our bookkeeper is still a little shaken up. How can we help you?” 

The Crownsguard, for what it was worth, seemed happy to be here. And Caleb didn’t miss how his eyes slid over Molly appreciatively as they sat down. 

“No issue- I’m here to thank you both, after all. For responding so quickly to the attack on our city.” 

“We did what we could- and really, you should mostly be thanking Yasha. I wasn’t nearly as much help with just my dagger. She did all of the heavy lifting.” 

“Even so- you saved a son of one of our most influential families from those… shadows. And we wanted to extend a personal thanks and welcome to the both of you.” The Crownsguard put his hand out, which Molly took to shake. Caleb watched with a bit of hidden amusement as Molly’s smile took a blank quality when the handshake took a little too long.

“Anything we can do to help- is he doing alright? He was still unconscious when the healers took him away.”

“Resting. He did ask to see the both of you, though. If you have time before leaving town.” 

Mollymauk smiled, nodding and looking over at Yasha, “Certainly. We could stop by tomorrow. Or, if he’s feeling well enough- tell him we’ll save him a front row seat for the show.” 

“Show tonight? Are you both part of the circus?” 

Yasha spoke up for the first time, clearing her throat, “Molly is. I’m just the muscle.” 

“Well- I’m sure you do a very good job of that. But uh. Let me know if you need any extra muscle. While you’re in town.” 

Mollymauk smiled, chuckling and leaning in- clearly putting on the charm. Caleb had seen them do this more than once, “I think we’ll be fine, dear. But I appreciate the offer. You should just come see the show- if you’re off this evening.”

Clearly flustered, the Crownsguard nodded with a dopey smile, “Of course- oh. Gods, I almost forgot. Do either of you know what happened to the mage? Everyone we spoke to said they just watched her catch fire.”

Caleb tensed, though he did his best not to show any sign, still watching from the corner of his eye. 

Mollymauk shrugged, a picture of confusion, “No- I wasn’t looking at her. I was a little busy with the shadow creatures. I’m sorry.” 

When Yasha shook her head as well, the Crownsguard turned to place his eyes on Caleb, expression shifting to something a little more pitying, “What about your friend, did he see anything?” 

Molly was quick to put themself between the Crownsguard and him, getting up and shifting to stand beside him and lean in, kissing the side of his head again, “No- Mister Caleb was staying safe in the alleyway. I feel bad, really- I took him to the festival as a date and then all of this happened. Now I’m not sure he’ll give me a second chance.” 

They let out a little laugh at that, trying to lighten the mood and distance Caleb from the whole conversation- which he was grateful for. But he hoped that really was a joke- hoped Molly didn’t think that this changed his view of them.

It was kind of satisfying, though, seeing the Crownsguard’s face fall at the mention of Molly taking him on a date. The prideful monster in Caleb’s chest wanted to gloat, wanted to grin, wanted to kiss Molly right in front of this man- to say that they chose him instead. But he was playing the part of a scared bookkeeper, so he just stayed quiet and leant into Molly a little bit.

“Right. Well. If anything comes to mind- be sure to let us know. And nonetheless, we’re grateful. Thank you folks again- and maybe I will see you at the circus tonight.”

The Crownsguard set a bag on the table that clinked- a reward of some kind, and stood to leave, smiling at all of them again. He shook Molly’s hand again, though he didn’t linger this time on his way out.

“Hope to see you there. Thanks for stopping by.” Molly kept that polite smile up for as long as the Crownsguard was in sight, before rolling their eyes and snorting, snatching up the bag of coins. Taking a few out and passing them each to Yasha and Caleb, they tossed the bag to Gustav. “That should keep us going for a while- don’t you think?”

“You sure, Molly? You can keep your rewards, you know.” 

“I don’t need it as much as we do- take it. Buy some new ropes and tentpoles. Whatever we need. We’ve got a show tonight.” 

Gustav smiled, leaning in and clapping Molly on the shoulder before smiling and heading out- presumably to do just that, leaving the three of them as they only ones left beside the bonfire.

Heaving a sigh, Mollymauk settled down beside Caleb, resting their head on his shoulder, “Thank you for playing along with my story, Mister Caleb. You’re a very cute sad bookkeeper.” 

Caleb chuckled, gently placing his head atop Molly’s, careful of their horns, “And thank you. For keeping my secret. It means a lot. And.. it will keep us safer, I think.” 

“Nothing to thank me for, and nothing to explain. Besides- I think that story put him in his place. I can only handle so many strangers wandering around smitten with me,” Mollymauk winked, grinning with a spark in their eye.

A little emboldened by that prideful beast in his chest, Caleb grinned back, eyebrow raised, “You do know that your worries are bullshit, right? Seeing you fight those shadows wouldn’t scare me away for an instant- though I would like a less interrupted second date, if possible.”

Molly’s expression was more than a just reward for his bold statement, surprise for a split second before a grin brighter than the sun split their face. Sitting up, Molly grabbed his face between their hands, pulling him in for a short kiss that left him breathless nonetheless, shocked by the response. 

“It will be a much better date- you have my word, Mister Caleb. Just the two of us, no interruptions. Dinner, dancing- whatever you like.” 

Flushed, Caleb smiled, a little dazed, “Just a night. I… I trust you will make it a good time.” 

“I won’t let you down on that. I’m nothing if not a good time,” Mollymauk laughed, tossing him another wink and kissing him again, short and sweet, “Will you watch the show tonight, Caleb? I’m performing- one of the twins is sick. And I’d love for you to watch me dance.” 

Caleb felt his mouth go dry, and he was nodding before he could even really process Mollymauk’s words, “ _ Ja, ja.  _ Of course, Molly. I would not miss it.” 

“Fantastic- I can’t give anything less than my best with you in the crowd.” Mollymauk had a gleam in their eye, a spring in their step as they got up, almost dancing, “I will see you then- preparations to make, warm ups to do. I’ll have your seat reserved, Mister Caleb. Front and center- be sure to watch for me.” 

They blew him one final kiss, earning a fondly exasperated sigh from Yasha and a clench of Caleb’s heart, enamored. And they were already gone when he responded, whisper quiet.

“I always am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you! feel free to drop me a line on tumblr (ilananight) or twitter (@ilananight13).


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